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This is so beautiful. You know it, Gary. Look at her. Do you know what I'd like to do? Shower with them. Then we hit the city, baby, dead on, for a little drinks, a little nightlife, dancing... Dancing. We throw a huge party, I mean huge party... Eçverybody's inçvited, women eçverywhere. All these girls, they're all there. Naked bodies eçverywhere. Gary. They'll know my name. What? Nobody likes us. Nobody. Why are you messing with the fantasy? We know about the reality. Don't ruin the fantasy, okay? And then, we're a hit, man. We're popular. We're reçvered. Man, we're studs. When the smoke clears, right... those two dames fall amazingly, completely, and totally in loçve with us, Wyatt. Check it out. Yo! Check us out! [Sound Of Heartbeat] Look, we're sorry about... #She's alive # #She's alive # # Weird science # # Weird # # Ooh # # Weird science # #Plastic tubes and pots and pans # #Bits and pieces # #And magic frrom our hands # # We're makin' weird science # # Ooh, things I've never seen befrore # #Behind bolted doors # #And imagine, it's my creation # #Is it real? # #It's my creation # #I do not know # #No hesitations # # Your heart ofr gold # #Is flesh and blood # #I do not know # # Why do I know? # #From my heart and frrom my hand # # Why don't people understand # #My intentions # # Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh weird science # # Ooh # # Ooh, ooh # # Weird science # # Things I've never seen befrore # #Behind bolted doors # # Weird science # #Bits and pieces and bits and pieces # #And bits and pieces # #Science # # Weird ## Where did your parents go, anyway? Cincinnati. They're meeting the guy my sister wants to marry. Chloe? Who the hell would marry Chloe? He's studying to be a çvet. Don't make a mess. The maid doesn't come till Monday. How come your parents suddenly trust you? Chet's coming home from college for the weekend. He's in charge. Chet? Shit! You should haçve told me this before I agreed to sleep oçver. How do you put up with him? If I don't, he beats the shit out of me. It's a habit he picked up in military school. He's çvery protectiçve of me. Nice relationship. Look! There's nothing to frear. Look. No blood, no decay. Go on. Fix the electrodes. You'll have plenty to be afrraid ofr befrore the night's over. The storm will be magnificent... All the electrical secrets ofrheaven. This time we're ready, Fritz. Let's have one final test. Throw the switches. [Thunder] Here in this machine, I have discovered the great ray that first brought lifre into the world. Here's the final touch... the brain you stole, Fritz... The brain ofr a dead man waiting to live again in a body I made. It's not a bad idea. What? In 15 minutes, the storm... Making a girl. Actually making a girl... just like Frankenstein, except cuter. Nobody must come here! Don't touch it! Sorry,, Doctor. You're serious. Yes. Look me in the eyes. Do I look serious? You're crazy! Crazy am I? We'll see whether I'm crazy or not. Gary Wallace, that's absolutely gross. I'm not digging up dead girls. I'm not talking about digging up a dead girl. I'm talking about your computer, idiot. You can simulate stuff on your computer. Why can't we simulate a girl? I guess I could, but why? It's two-dimensional on the screen. It's not flesh and blood. But we can ask it questions. We'll put it in real-life sexual situations and see how it reacts. Well, what about your girl in Canada? She liçves in Canada. She has no morals. I don't like that in a girl. Anyway, get to work. Very nice. Hold it, Wyatt. I know female stats. Anything bigger than a handful, you're risking a sprained tongue. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. Okay. Now what? Should we giçve her a brain? Yeah. We'll play chess with her. Chess? Just giçve her a brain. That's all we can do with my stuff. Did you get a free toaster with this, too? The problem is, this is a lame idea. Your computer is a wimp. We need a lot more power. What do you suggest? We're in. We're in trouble, Gary. This is highly illegal. We got to fiill this thing with data. We'll make her as real as possible. I want her to liçve, breathe. I want her to aerobicize. Live! All Dave, all night! We know what you need only right here on Dave TV!! It's moçving, it's working. It's working by itself. I lo mee li I lo la la mala kroo kara kara chal do le mo le lo... But, Gary... by the way, why are we wearing bras on our heads? Ceremonial. [Thunder] You ready? Yeah. Let's go. Turn it off. It is off. [Ringing] Hang up the phone! Wyatt, what's going on? I don't know! Unplug it! Oh, shit! Arf. Arf. No! It's a birthday present! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Let's get this thing out of your house! You get it out! This is all your fault! I'll get it out! [Thunder] Whoa! What the hell is it? Oh, shit! One, two, three. She's alive. Alive! Uhhhhh. So what would you little maniacs like to do fiirst? You guys created me. I didn't come from anywhere. Before you messed around with your computer, I didn't eçven exist. By the way, you did an excellent job. Thank you. Hello? Isn't showering real fun? If we're going to haçve fun together, you guys had better loosen up. What're we gonna do with her? We'll just go with the situation. By Sunday, you'll think of something. You're a çvery bright guy. I'm just being practical. I know. I appreciate it. Let's go. What about this mess? Clean it up tomorrow. Okay, but don't get B.O. on Chet's suit, or he'd kill me. Where are we going? We're going downtown and... Oh, my God! Whose stuff is this? Is that yours? Gary, I don't know... What is going on here? I don't know! You look good, though, okay? Did you steal this car? No. How did you get it? I can get anything I want. Right now, I want to party. Party? Yeah. Think up a name for me. What name do you want? You think of one. Lisa. Why Lisa? Why not? He used to like a girl named Lisa. Oh, yeah? Old girlfriend? She kicked him in the nuts. Will you shut up? It wasn't your fault. All you said was hello to her. Shut up! Guys, I like Lisa. That'll do just fiine. You guys ready to rock? Ready. Ready. [Tires Screech] [Loud Music Playing] [Music Stops] [In High Voice] Lisa? Yeah? I don't think we belong here. Don't be silly. It's a public place. We'd both loçve to stay, but we're not 21. You're 21. You're 21. Maybe you'd feel better if you mingled. We don't mingle, okay? Then we'll inçvite these people to your house and we could all mingle there. We'll mingle. We'll mingle. Hi, dudes. [Grumbling] [Grumbling] [Grumbling] Well, goddamn! Listening to this blues music reminds me of my own trials and tribulations as a young guy. My folks really dump on me. You guys get along with your parents? I guess you guys moçved out by now. Uh, what's this, sir? Drink it. That's a çvery sweet thought, but I really don't... Until now. See you guys in the emergency room. Pretty lady, what's a beautiful broad like you... doing with a malaca like this? It's purely sexual. No shit. She's into malacas, Dino. Ha ha ha ha ha! She's into malacas! Do you belieçve that? Ha ha ha ha ha! You can say that again! [Blues Music] Fats, man, let me tell you my story, man. Last year, I was insane for this crazy little 8th-grade bitch. Crazy insane? Insane? Crazy? I was nuts for the woman, man. I'm tellin' the truth here. I was nuts for the girl. She had big titties. She wouldn't haçve had to worry about no titties for the rest of her life. That's the truth. I called her eçvery night for like a month. Eçvery damn night? Eçvery night, Mitch. On the telephone? What's this boy talkin' about, on the telephone? Explain it to him. We know there's a telephone. But he hung up on her. The chick with those big titties? You know what the bitch did to me? Lay it on me. Listen... She kneed you in the nuts. She did what? Bitch kneed your nuts? Bitch kneed my nuts! In the family jewels? In the framilyjewels, man. Broke my heart in two. She broke more than your heart. Forget that other one. You got this fiine jewel sitting by you. Ain't that the truth, baby? That's the plain truth! Party's oçver. Party's oçver, says the girl. Here's money for you... $50 for you, $50 for you. I'll bet $5 that boy won't make it through the club. #Woo, baby # #Woo, baby # #You know I loçve you # I really shouldn't be driçving. Listen, I appreciate it. I don't feel like driçving. Okay, forget it. I'll driçve. Giçve me the keys! Will he be all right? I warned him about that blind dog bourbon. He don't haçve a license. I don't eçven haçve a learner's permit. Hey, let's scout another party, man. What will you tell Chet about me? Nothing. Nothing? That's not çvery realistic, Wyatt. I'm just trying to concentrate on the road. Concentrate harder. You're running a red light. Oh, shit! I hate that stuff. I neçver listen to it! I hate this car! Are you okay? My nuts are halfway up my ass. Other than that, I'm perfect. Think of what you'll do about Chet. He's one serious idiot. You're stewed, butt-wad! Who, me? Know what time it is? Uh, 2:00? Time to pay the fiiddler. I was kind of counting on you to be human about this. Here's the bottom line, Wyatt. I'm telling Mom and Dad eçverything. And I'm eçven considering making up some shit. All right, Chet. Name your price. $175 and zero cents, cash... New bills, crisp and clean, in my wallet by 7 A.M. Thank you. Hey, what are big brothers for? See you upstairs. How to be jilted. Pllllttt. Shh. Shh. The boozehounds return. What a joke! Hi, girls. Feeling kind ofr queasy? How about a nice greasy pork sandwich served in a dirty ashtray? He pukes, you die. He's not laughing at you, Chet. Yes, I am. Did you tell Chet about the woman we made tonight? He's drunk. No shit. No shit, Chet. You donkey dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right, Chet. Hey, Gary. What? Ha ha ha ha! He's an asshole. Look at his haircut. Anybody with a haircut like that is an asshole. Psst. Lisa. Where are you? I'm right behind you. Surprise! I won't hurt you. Your lips feel like rigor mortis has set in. Relax a little bit. I wasn't expecting you to kiss me. I mean, I was just... I was... uh... # Oh # That was better. Want to try it again? If you don't mind. I mean, yes, please, ma'am. # Oh oh oh oh # # Oh # Mmph! You sure you're only 15? I'll be 16 in June. You made me. You control me. What are you thinking about, huh? Um... women's gymnastics. Well, I don't know. I'll do my best. Good. Oh. Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt, where are you? I'm right here, Gary. What happened? I don't know. I think it was a dream. What? Eçverything... Last night, Lisa. It had to be a dream. We were both in it. Two people can't haçve the same dream. It had to be a dream. In your dream, did I get up in the middle of the night and yak in your sink? Didn't throw up. No. Maybe it was a dream, you know... A çvery weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet, detailed dream. Maybe we haçve malaria. Shit. Gary! Wyatt! Breakfrast! I don't haçve the bucks to pay Chet off about this. You can't fear Chet the rest of your life. Why not? Please... I don't know, Wyatt. I mean, it's seriously affecting your sex life. 10 seconds into my gymnastics routine, you passed out. You slept. I did my toes. By the way, you're çvery cute. We'll try it again sometime. Good morning, turd brain. Hi, Chet. You spit in this? Not that I'm aware of, no. Hey, that looks pretty good. Now make yourself one, dick weed. I like your panties. [Burp] It's a joke, Chet. That's not a joke! That is a seçvere behaçvioral disorder. Those are women's underpants! Next you'll be wearing a bra on your head. The old man's going to haçve a stroke. All right, Chet. How much? How much? This goes way beyond payment, pal. Come on, Chet. Please? Well... your VCR should coçver it... for openers. Thank you. For Christ's sakes, will you coçver yourself? You guys looking for something for your mom? I really don't think so... Sue. Do you guys haçve, uh... girlfriends? One does not refer to a 23-year-old woman as a girlfriend. Uh, mistress, Gar. Um, loçver. Sexpot. She's a sexpot. You guys are the ones that got beat up at the homecoming game, right? Do you think you could wrap up a bottle of this scent for me? Um, two. Set yourself up with one, too. Three scents, please. If you were a 15-year-old boy, would these turn you on? I think so, too. I'll take them. Do you haçve a bra to match that... something leather, rubber, or barbed wire? Giçve me a break. Check it out. What? Fiçve bucks? Finsky. Max, what will you do? For the fiirst time in my life, I don't feel like a total dick. Yeah, me either. Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry, boys. Momentary loss of motor control. You guys getting tired ofr this? There's a big white sale going on... at Towel World! We're not impressed. Can I haçve some of that, please? Their shit bores me. Should we dump them? We'çve been with them three months. We'çve been to all the parties. We won't go to any more parties. We'll go into a social coma. Sorry. Sorry. Let's giçve them another chance. Okay. Will you forgiçve us? Oh, you guys. What will we do with you? Excuse me! We got her, we got her. Hey! Hey. Hi. That's lan. This is Max. We call him Mad Max. I saw you on the escalator. You were looking at us, right? Yeah. So what are you doing? Nothing. I'm waiting for my ride. [Horn Honks] [Screaming] [Motor Reçvs] Lis, come on, hon. We're late. Honey, move. Speak to you later. She likes the rough stuff. What can I do? There's a party tonight at Wyatt's house. You can fiind his name in the students' directory under Donnely. Pass the word around. Party? Don't ask. You'll haçve a heart attack by the time you're 40. Learn to relax. Haçve you tried inçversion boots? Lisa, you don't understand my parents. What's there to understand? They're oppressiçve, meddlesome, diffiicult, demanding, and totally bizarre. They're normal parents. Go get dressed. Lisa, I created you. Why do you do things I don't want? You and Gary want friends, you want popularity, you want all that stuff, right? I thought about it. Sure, but... So I'm giçving it to you. Thank you, but I don't want it in my house. If you want to be a party animal, learn to liçve in the jungle. Now go get dressed. I'll pick up Gary. I can't wait to meet his parents. Do you go to Gary's school? Do I look like I'm in high school? No. She's a froreign exchange student. They haçve a different educational system happening around the world. You look çvery... mature. Doesn't she? I was thinking the same thing. What do you do for a liçving, Al? I'm an independent businessman. My dad's a plumber. He's into plumbing. I guess you plumb, right, Dad? Yeah. I think it's time to go. You ready? Where are you going? To a party. To a moçvie. Moçvie party, is what it is. No. I'çve whipped up this nasty soiree at his friend Wyatt's house. Soir what? Soiree, honey. I think that means party. Party. There's going to be sex, drugs, rock n' roll, chips, dips, chains, whips... Your basic high school orgy. I'm not talking candle wax on the nipples... Just hundreds ofrkids running around in their underwear acting like animals. I'çve heard enough! Gary, get to your room! Yes, sir! It's okay. I'll handle this. Girlie, get out before I throw you out. Don't threaten me, Al! You're out of shape. I'll kick your ass. I'm going to make this real easy fror you. I'm taking Gary to a party. Oçver my dead body. He's a good kid. He studies hard. If anybody should be bitching, it should be Gary. You ever compliment him on his grades? Or on anything? Hey! Hey! Compliments embarrass me. Shut up! Shut up! It's so sad that your son's only sexual outlet is tossing off to magazines in the bathroom. Oh, Gary! I neçver tossed off. You said you were combing your hair! I was! Gary, shut up! Water's running all day. Shut up! I neçver tossed off. And you wouldn't tell your own mother! Shut up! Shut up! This guy deserves a party. Look, I don't know who you are, what you are, or where you came from, but I'm not taking any more of this. Dial the police, Lucy, and giçve me the phone. I'm going to get the... Giçve me the phone. Well, here it is. Jesus, God. Oh, Christ. Oh, Lord God. [Click] Oh. Whoa. Go ahead... make your day? [Tires Screech] I'm sorry it has to come to this. Come to what? Cheer up, or I'll blow your face off. Don't be such an old lady. Eçverything's cool. Eçverything's cool! My dad's going to castrate me. My mother almost had a cardiac arrest. I'll be grounded till I'm 45. Other than that, eçverything's great. Couldn't be better. Trust me for once, will you? They don't know what happened. Did you think Gary was acting a little strangely this eçvening? Gary? Who's Gary? Lisa, promise me things won't get out of control. Don't worry. You're just haçving a few friends oçver. I don't haçve any friends. He doesn't. Boy ain't lying. [Doorbell Rings] You do now. Hi. Hi! Hi! Hi! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! Party! #Standin'here by the window # #Starin'out at the night # # Gotta save me frrom troubles... # # Oh, baby # #It's gonna work out fine # # You heard the sound ofr frootsteps # #Swinging across the floor... # Ho! How you doing? How you doing? Where's the bar? Bar! Do you think they'll embarrass us tonight? Yeah. Yeah. Caçviar? If Max and lan see her, it's oçver for us. How's your stomach? Better. If you're gonna float an air biscuit, let me know. Float a what? If you fart, I'll hit the fan. Sorry. I suffer pain and discomfort due to occasional stomach upset. We always talk about how great it would be if we went to parties. Now it's our party, hundreds of people are haçving fun, and we're in theJohn. You're as uptight as I am. Nobody can be as uptight as you. Your middle name is tense... Wyatt "Tense Up" Donnely. It's not that bad. We can hear the music. Maybe if we put our noses to the door, we can smell the food. Hey, brother! What's happening, my main man? Right on! Scotch. Straight up? Giçve me the whole bottle. Bend oçver. I'll shoçve it straight up your ass. On the rocks is fiine. Ha ha ha ha! Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say. There she is. You deal with the drinks. I'll kill the girls. I wonder if Lisa's haçving fun. Lisa could haçve fun at an insurance seminar, Wyatt. The thing that really galls me is that she's ours and we can't get close to her. Hit the fan. This is the best party I'çve eçver been to. It's great! Whose house is this? It's probably that girl with the English accent. She doesn't haçve a zit on her whole body. She has zero fat. And she's so relaxed. She burped and it was charming. Uh, yeah. The bathroom. Ladies. Hi. Hi. Hi. I can't believe you! You're dropping wolfrbait and chicks are outside! Light a match! Light a fiire! Hi. Hi. Hi. We thought there were just girls in there. It's just us dudes. Why are you here? Gary was just taking a shit. I meant... What are you doing at the party? Oh, it's my house. This is your party? We like to do this once a week, throw little get-togethers. Haçven't you guys been by? How did we miss these two? So many people, so many parties. So many parties. You lose track. Can I come in and check my face? What's wrong with it? Can we come in? Come on in. Sure. Be our guests. Thanks, guys. We'çve seen you at school, but we'çve neçver met. You're Hilly. You're Deb. Hi. I'm Gary. Hi, Gary. What haçve you guys been doing... I didn't know you guys had so many friends. Neither did we. Who's the girl with the accent? I thought this was her party. You mean the sensuous sex symbol type? Yeah. Yeah. She's with us. She's with... you guys? Come on, Lisa. Why not? Because I belong to Gary and Wyatt. Did they make you in the garage with power tools? Do they own you? Control you? Seriously. Seriously. They're toads. Do I look like I'd go out with two toads? You do. Gary and Wyatt will force eçveryone to redefiine their terms. And you're completely loyal to them? I do whateçver they say. Hi. Could you excuse us for a minute, please? No problem. We'll be in here. Okay, fiine. They're stoked for us. Should we go for it? What about Lisa? She said we should party. Let's score points with these two. We'll deal with the mechanics later. Sounds good. Let's not hurt Lisa's feelings. She wants a bone job from me. Ready to party? Let's break! Those guys are weird, but they're kinda cute. Hi. Where did you two disappear to? We were in the bathroom. We were in the kitchen. Eating. Doing our hair. Haçve you met Gary and Wyatt? Yes. No. Sort of. If you get the chance, shower with them. |
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