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Normais Os 2003

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Ships are mind-boggling, huh?
- What?|- Ships are mind-boggling...
- aren't they?|- Sure.
Why is that?
- What?|- Why are they mind-boggling?
They don't sink.
Were they supposed to?
Sure. So heavy and|so huge, filled...
with heavy stuff. They|should... sink right down.
- and enjoy our|convenience stores.
We wish you all|a great trip.
Make way for the newlyweds!
Newlyweds passing through.
Excuse us, please.
Is there a priority check-in|for honeymooners?
Yes, there is.
Well, then...
I'm not good at farewells.
Me neither.
See you around, then.
- Enjoy your honeymoon.|- Thanks. Take care.
Are you going on your|honeymoon by yourself?
I hope not, if I find|a well-hung sailor aboard.
I just heard we won't leave|for 2 more hours.
- So?|- In my state, I can wait...
2 hours by myself.
What do you want me to do?
Would you keep me company?
For 2 hours? Doing what?
Have you thought we might|never see each other again?
You said you'd call me.
But who said I keep|my promises?
- You don't?|- No, I do, but...
we might hit an Antarctic|iceberg near Punta Del Este.
Icebergs don't get there.
- They do.|- No, they don't.
- Do to!|- Do not!
Groom passing through!|Make way for the newlyweds!
Are there any icebergs coming|from the Antarctic?
No, there are not.
I must be the lousiest|company on earth.
He won't keep me company|for a minute!
1 minute is ok.|Even 15 minutes is fine.
But 120 minutes need|to be filled up somehow.
So would you stay with me,|if we fill up those 2 hours?
Yes, I would.
Excuse us, please.
I know what we could do|to fill up our time...
and, at the same time,|ease our tension.
Both? I like it already.
But you mustn't believe|your soul will go to hell...
and God will punish you.
Do you believe that?
Excuse us.
Coming through!
- How do you do?|- Fine, thank God!
All's fine for the faithful.
May I ask what you|are looking for?
For you, father.
Exactly. For You, our Father!
Not that Father. This one.
Right. For you, father.
- And we found you.|- Halleluia!
- You married us, remember?|- Yesterday?
I do.
But serious events last night...
made us realize we've made|a big mistake.
And since a wedding annulment|is expensive...
Would you please come out?
Hidden like that,|it looks like...
- You're in...|- The outhouse.
Yeah, in the... privy.
- That's better.|- Much better.
Where were we?
We'd like to know if...
When you purchase|an appliance...
there's a 24-hour|return period.
- It's been less than 12 hours.|- Exactly.
- So, I though...|- Say no more.
You think I can annul|your vows? No way!
- No!|- "Annul" is a strong word.
Way too strong.
We thought you could just|rip our wedding papers up.
- Rip them up?!|- Or burn them.
Are you two crazy?
- We're not...|- At all.
Listen, father...
We had a tense night.
- Indeed.|- Relax, my children.
I've officiated at weddings|for 20 years. Next-day...
jitters are quite normal.
But anyone can see you|were made for each other.
We what?
No, not us. We weren't...
We met yesterday.
We met yesterday.
Not in there! Give me the money.|This is for the... huh...
- I'll win the bet.|- Will not.
- Will not!|- I will!
You don't know|who I bet on.
Who's the groom?
- I am.|- You?
Congratulations.|I wish you all the best.
I'm the 6 PM bride.
- Congratulations.|- Thanks.
All the best.
We meant to vacate the church...
- You haven't?|- The nave's free...
but we're still at|the receiving line.
You were to vacate it|25 minutes ago.
There's a problem.|Nobody brought rice.
Everyone expected someone else|to bring it, so there's no rice.
I wish mine had no rice.
Don't say that. Without rice,|your wedding is jinxed.
- Oh yeah?|- Really jinxed.
- Just a sec.|- Thanks.
Has anyone brought rice?
Rice? It's right here.
What is that?
100 lbs. Martha wanted to|make sure we had enough.
Martha's family always|exaggerates.
Great. Martha's your fiancee?
We skipped the|engagement part.
Me, too! From Sergio's|girlfriend to his bride.
- Engagements are dated.|- Yeah.
A thing from the past.|So...
can I have a handful?
Angela, give the lady|here 200 oz.
No can do, Rui.
I'm Martha's bridesmaid,|and the Bag Keeper.
- "Bag Keeper"?|- The rice bag.
The priest might mistake it|for charity.
That's so exciting, daddy.
You liked it, sweetie? I had|it selected just for you.
So cute, daddy.
And I know how hard|switching the ring tone is.
If not today, when would I|ever use that?
You're not gonna answer?
Let it ring a bit longer.
Answer it. It might be important.
Hello? Rui, let me guess:|The wedding's off.
No problem. We'll save on|your apartment mortgage.
Give it to me, come on.
Hi, Rui. We're stuck|in gridlock.
Well, brides are supposed|to be late anyway.
There's no hurry.
The 6 PM bride's here with me.
She is? How come?
What happened?
She needs some rice.
Just 48 oz.|I'll pay it back.
Angela won't let anyone|near our rice.
Rightly so. She's|the Bag Keeper.
Talk to her and|green-light it yourself.
All right.
- It's important.|- Cool.
She said no.
- No way!|- Why, Martha?
Too bad they forgot|their rice.
I won't ruin my wedding|for their stupidity.
Martha, there's 100 lbs. Here.|Enough to bury us.
Look, Rui. There are|500 guests.
100 lbs. Divided by 500 guests|equals 100 oz...
barely a handful.
What did she say?
100 lbs. Divided|by 500 guests...
equals 100 oz per guest.|Just a handful.
But not everyone|throws rice.
Heard that? Not everyone|throws rice.
"Says who? In case they all|do, there won't be enough."
Someone might wanna|throw 2 handfuls.
I'm not asking for a bag.|Just a handful.
She wants only a handful.
Will you stop aggravating|me right now?!
My answer is no!
Okay, but that's absurd.|You're being selfish...
but I won't argue with you|in the vestry.
I forgive her, cause|she's nervous.
She is nervous?|And what am I?!
I will have no rice thrown.
You could throw flower|petals. That's in.
Bitch! Fuck! Miser!
Sit down, guys.|I was the 6 PM bride.
But I paid for half|of these flowers...
and I'll have to take my half|now by force majeure.
Rice is out.|Petals are in, okay?
Throw the flowers I gave you.|Come on!
Wait! Not the stems!
It's almost 7:30 PM.|Honk!
Louder! They're ruining|my entrance.
Who is that?
- Crying over there?|- Beats me.
- Been at it forever.|- Why?
I don't know.
Are you all right?
Why are you crying?
Keep it down.|Was it a guy?
Stop, Vani. Don't!|Don't tease them.
Come on, baby, get into|the swing of it.
What's the use of renting a|carriage, if you act normal?
Going to make babies, huh?!
Go deep, big daddy!
- You're on fire, baby!|- The groom's a cuckold!
Oh, great! This is so|embarrassing!
Stop it. They're|jealous of us.
Whore! Whore! Whore!
Can't we go any faster?|Let's gallop!
This is part of the|carriage's romanticism.
Those bastards up front|won't move!
- Penguin!|- Fuck you!
Don't! Don't do that!
They're irate. Soon,|they throw eggs at us.
Please. Who'd throw|eggs at a bride?
We're have come here today|in the sight of our Lord...
to join in holy matrimony|Martha and Rui.
But, first, I'd like|to share with you...
a few thoughts on|another matrimony...
held in Canaan,|2,000 years ago.
Rentals are disgusting. So many|balls must've sweated in here.
Stop. People are staring|at our butts, Rui.
Who? They are not.
Grooms get sweaty balls.|It's a warm spot.
This suit must be impregnated|with men...
and it itches.
It itches badly.
Look at the crowd, honey.|They are sending guests away.
And I fretted over|the attendance.
Told'ya I don't believe|in bad luck.
- Son, son!|- Mom!
Guess what happened?
The local druglords...
shut down all businesses|in the district.
- What?!|- No shit, mom?
The reception hall is closed.
The bouncers said today's|reception is canceled.
- I'll talk to...|- Weddings are not businesses!
Weddings are sacred!
Get me this druglord|right now!
Wait here, son.
Women know how to|deal with these problems.
She's sensible.
She'll charm him|with her sweetness.
She'll straighten this out.
Shut up, mom.|I've got a migraine.
Vani can handle it, son.|Let her take care of it.
We're screwed! Screwed, mom!
- I...|- I...
Martha Figueira...
Martha Figueira, promise...
to be faithful to you...
- to love...|- to love...
- and respect you...|- and respect you...
for better or for worse...
for better or for worse...
as long as we both|shall live.
As long as we both|shall live.
May God bless you,|and bless...
your love and commitment.
You may kiss the bride.
10 years from now, in a routine|physical, the doctor...
will find rice stuck|to my balls.
Spare me your|scatology today.
I've got rice everywhere.|Open it.
I need lessons on|unbuttoning all these.
Call me when you throw|the bouquet, okay?
It's the best part.
- Not today.|- Why not?
I promised my mom I'd|throw it to her cousin.
- Who?|- A miserable woman...
abused as a kid by her drunk|father, and her 3 boyfriends...
all drunks, who beat her up.|A tragedy.
Didn't you see a skinny girl|crying in the front row?
Thanks, guys! My pleasure|collaborating with you.
Too bad you cleaned me good.
I hope to collaborate further|in the future.
Motherfuckers! Thieves!|Police!
There was rice left.|I had an idea.
What idea?
Now what? Do I|leave you here?
No, take me to our bed, Sergio.
Do we just go ahead|and do it?
On their wedding night, most|people are anxious to do it.
Right. And are you?
Anxious to have sex?
No, but something has to go|right for us tonight.
I'll take a shower first.|I'm all gooey with egg...
I'll take one, too, then.
You'll smell good,|whereas I'm all stinky.
- Are you?|- No...
only in certain spots.|My dress train is long, hot.
But I'll go first.
Wait! Take me to the kitchen.
I wanna pop our champagne.
- Wanna "pop" in the kitchen?|- Yeah.
Watch out, Sergio.
Look, there's leftover lasagna.
Heat it up in the microwave.|I'm starving.
Give your body pleasure, Macarena|Cause your body's for good things
Give your body pleasure, Macarena|Ehhh, Macarena!
Bouquet pots are a fun,|traditional wedding game.
The groom and his best men|bet on who will grab it.
Whoever wins, donates|the pot money to charity.
- That's nice.|- Yeah, and I bet on you.
I support charity organizations|for the poor, so...
I really have to win.
I'll try. It's in|my own interest.
Here's an insider's tip|for you, ok?
Remember that girl|crying in the church?
Martha will throw it at her|out of pity.
- No way?|- Here's the deal:
Try and position yourself...
Girls, I'm gonna throw|the bouquet!
I wanna see you,|and hold your body
Sleep with you
Day and night
Everyday of our love
I wanna love you forever...
Whose lipstick is this?
What lipstick? I bet|it's yours, Vani.
It's not. I've checked.
I was taking all my lipsticks|to our honeymoon.
"Was?" You won't anymore?
You got me all right.
No, I didn't. Are you accusing|me of something?
Not yet. First...
I want to know|whose lipstick this is.
Gosh, it could've been|there for ages.
It would've dried out, then.|But it's wet.
Someone drank from it today,|or no earlier than last night.
If not you, then who?|Perhaps the cleaning lady.
Dona Rosa?
A kardecist widow, mother of 5,|sexless since 1963?
Drinking champagne|with bright pink lipstick?!
It's the only other woman|who comes in here.
She might be a major drunk,|and we don't know it.
I've noticed there's...
a bottle of French|champagne missing.
Go ahead and look. There's|only 5 in there, right?
- 1...|- What the hell?!
- 2...|- Stop it!
- 3...|- That's French, Vani!
- 4...|- What the heck?
5. Right. One's missing.|I get it.
You two must have drunk it before|you stuck it up her ass!
Whose ass? Vani,|are you crazy?
That's what I want to know,|Sergio. Whose ass?
And don't call me crazy!
Don't! That's an expensive TV.
The whole office chipped in|to buy us that.
I think a whore from your|office screwed you here!
That's absurd, Vani.|You're delirious.
Crazy people are delirious,|and I'm not crazy!
Goddammit, Vani!|What the fuck!
I'm glad it's nothing serious.
A minor problem|shouldn't ruin our party.
DJ?! Put some music on!
Let's party, let's dance.
Our next question's worth|this mini-system...
or your mom's tacky|soup tureen.
What was her name?
Who cares? Sheila, Shana,|Sharon, whatever.
What was she like?
Look, the guys from work|insisted on a bachelor's party.
Don't, Vani!
Wrong answer!|What was she like?
A fake blond call girl,|with a black patch...
a Southern accent. That's it.
Where did you do it?
Goddammit, Vani.
I told you. Right here.|There you have it.
Wrong answer! 5 seconds|for the correct one.
5... 4... 3... 2...
On the couch. There.|I said it.
On the couch.
- Not on our bed?|- Of course not!
The truth! I'm an expert in|detecting bitches' traces!
Ok, it was on our bed...
but I sat in the corner.
It was just a quickie.
On our bed, Sergio?
The bed we were|meant to share?
The cradle of our future family?
I've apologized a million times!|It was a stupid thing.
- 1 or 2 stupid things?|- For God's sake!
1 or 2 stupid things?!
I don't get it.|What do you mean?
Okay, 2 stupid things.
But the 2nd one was lame,|sort of haft-assed.
And what did you do with|that whore in between?
I refuse to answer that.
Don't! Vani!
Vani! What the fuck!!!
You throw rice and|I'll kick your asses.
Do you know how much|your fit cost us?
Can't answer. I have|an appointment now:
I'll go down and screw|the first guy I see.
What's so funny?|I'm serious.
I'm gonna screw|the first guy I see.
And you're fixing your|makeup for him?
Exactly. Anyone with a dick,|I'll screw.
Even Stinky, that bum|in the corner?
Best alms he's ever|been given.
Come on! Who are|you trying to fool?
I'm fine. Never been better.
I'm fine. Never been better.
I'm fine. Never been better.
Look up here, Vani.
Would you please|look up here?
There: The 1 st guy you saw.|You'll have to do me.
Sergio, my love...
screw you!
- I'm beat.|- Are you?
I'm gonna go to bed|and sleep like a log.
What? Are you crazy?
On our wedding night?
Let's consummate it.
- Consummate?|- Means "screwing" in Catholic.
- I don't believe it.|- What?
You've become an old man|a bit too soon, haven't you?
You won't fuck me|on our wedding night?
Honey, my back and feet hurt...
the poor skinny girl|almost died...
A minor head trauma, no big deal.
It was. We'll have the rest|our lives to do it.
No, not the rest of our lives.
That's the 2nd tradition|you break.
Our marriage is double-jinxed.
- You don't believe in jinx?|- I don't believe in "tradition."
Well, I do. I'm a|traditional guy. So...
I'll consummate our wedding|by myself, ok?
My left hand, with the wedding|band, represents you.
So long I don't get drips...
I can't promise that.|With your major jinx...
who knows?
Vani, look here, please.|Don't do this to me.
Look. I wanna show|you something.
You got mail! Look!|An e-mail!
Throw it to me.
Server problems.
Now, the lipstick.
- Gosh!|- You said your left hand.
I've got rice stuck in|a place I can't reach.
Don't ask for my help.
When we pull over,|I'll take off my pants.
Dad? I can't talk.|My battery is almost dead.
Yes, dad?
Sergio, you got mail.
I got an itch from|my pants, you know?
Let me see it.
It's upside down.
Gotta go, dad. Bye.
Flip it.
You must be Martha, right?
- Who's this?|- The bride before you.
You ruined my wedding,|you know?
By refusing to give me|a handful of rice...
everything's gone wrong|in my life.
- It jinxed you?|- Jinxed?!
- You cursed my marriage.|- That rice thing.
Your honking made my|carriage horses panic...
then people threw eggs at us,|making our horses fart.
There was no reception. The|druglords called a curfew.
And, to top it off,|when I got here...
Where is...? Gone?
- Your place?!|- No, the asshole I married.
Vani is fucking crazy!|She is crazy.
Vani's making me crazy!
Sergio Rodrigues de Mattos!
He always makes it look|like I'm crazy.
You coward! Get out|of my sight, hear me?!
Now I'm fucked.|I'm fucked!
I'm totally fucked.
He won't show up. He's|paranoid I'll make a scene.
Look what he wrote.
- In the back, too?|- What?
- There's more.|- I wrote that.
- It's upside down.|- Sorry. We had a fight.
He threw a bachelor's party...
here the night before|our wedding.
I went crazy. So I came down|here to...
Screw the 1 st guy you saw.
Not really.|I just wanted to...
- Piss him off.|- Yeah. Then you showed up.
Sergio! Come out, or I'll|make a scene! Where is he?!
Let's go, Rui.
Listen, do you need any help?
Are you okay?
Shall we, Rui?
- You guys live across from us?|- Yeah.
Can I go up to call my sister...
and see if I can sleep over|her place?
Sure. Come on up.
It's our wedding night, remember?
- Weren't you going to sleep?|- I don't mean to intrude.
We were leaving|on a cruise tonight.
Now I don't know|what to do.
Relax. The worst is over.
You don't get it. We'd|booked a cruise...
to Montevideo.
A liner, you know?|First class, expensive stuff.
Wait, hold it, Martha.
Sorry. I didn't mean to ruin|your honeymoon.
You didn't. Hurry, Martha.
- He shouldn't have...|- It's okay.
He shouldn't have...|How could he?
- Rui!|- Yes?
- Me, too.|- You, too, what?
You have to carry me|inside, too!
Oh, right.
Crazy. This is so crazy!
I'm sorry.
I had all these feelings|bottled up and...
then, suddenly... they...
- Calm down.|- I'm calm.
It's just that now...|I'm not so sure I...
I'm lost. Get her a tranquilizer.
- What?|- Go get one of your pills.
Me? I just got here.
Is that asking too much?
She's not a bad person.|She's taken to her mother.
It's gonna be fine.
I don't know how to thank you|for being so nice to me.
Thank you so much.
Shit! I got my period.
- Got what?|- My period.
- I can't get my dress dirty.|- How did you know?
Women can feel it.
- Where's the bathroom?|- There.
Ask you wife for a thing.
- Like what?|- A tampon. I need a "super."
Super, eh?
There's mini, regular and super.|Ask for a super.
Super? Fuck!
Is your pussy mini, regular,|or super?
- Tampons. She got her period.|- On the couch?
I didn't see any stains.
- She's so inconvenient.|- Let me see.
Regular? She needs super.
Nonsense. They're al the same.
Watch that stranger and our|$25,000 dollar sculpture.
Does she still need that pill?|I can't find it.
She's got her period.|She needs it even more.
Hi. Thanks.
- That pill's coming right up.|- Regular? I said super.
Martha said it makes|no difference.
Oh really? Suppose you go|buy condoms.
Would you buy just any size?
- Course not. Why?|- A "mini" one would be too tight.
Exactly. It's gotta be the right|size. What's yours?
- What?|- Size.
- Size?|- Your condom size.
- Mine?|- Yeah.
Is there one in between|normal and super?
Normal to super, huh?
Congratulations, eh?
Get me a super, okay? Thanks.
Hey, listen.
You just got married, and|I don't mean to jinx it...
but I think you're gonna have|marital problems.
We are?
She being a size mini, and|you, a regular to super...
intercourse must be slightly|uncomfortable for her.
- You think so?|- And, in married life...
"slightly uncomfortable"|becomes unbearable.
She'll end up avoiding sex|with you altogether. Watch out.
Is she already avoiding you?
It's our wedding night.|I said: "Let's do it."
- Quite natural, right?|- Right.
- She didn't feel like it today.|- Told'ya.
She said her back hurts.
Typical excuse.
It's not her fault.
It's our hypocritical society's.
Now, you lost me.
In our society, women don't|tell their men:
"Honey, my vagina is too mini|for you penis' size."
Specially a huge one|like yours.
Get me a super, okay?
Is having intercourse with me|uncomfortable for you?
She said it is, but you don't|have the guts to tell me.
Give me a break!
Since your vagina is regular, and|my cock is regular to super...
you avoid sex with me.
I avoid sex with you?!|Since when?
Today. You shunned sex|on our wedding night.
You told her that?!
- What's the problem?|- Several!
One: Don't discuss our sexual|life with strangers!
And 2: My vagina is normal!
- It's regular.|- Regular is normal!
No, normal is normal. Regular|is in between normal and mini.
And since when is your cock|normal to super?!
- Is it not?|- No! It's normal, not super!
- I know it's not.|- You see many cocks?!
In locker rooms.|I know what normal is.
And why is yours super?!
The width. Mine is thick.
Who told you that?
You're jealous your pussy|is regular!
Don't let that freak near|our priceless ballerina!
Here. Martha said they're the|same. It's just a sales pitch.
It's society's hypocrisy.
- Will that do?|- I don't know.
You wouldn't believe|the pressure of my flow.
It leaks sideways.
- Bad?|- Yeah, real bad.
What if you wear 2 at once?
Never done that.|I'll try it, then.
- I'll stick 2 in there.|- Stick'em!
Now I'll need that pill|more than ever. Please?
- We're looking for it.|- It'd be nice.
Have you found it?
Yep. The last one.
Where is it?
It's going down my esophagus.
I'd been forewarned.
Once they marry, women|show who they really are.
I'm a monster. Didn't you|know it?
I enter people's homes, menstruate|on their couches...
I badmouth other women's vaginas.
Her marriage is ruined.|Show some solidarity.
- Here.|- What is that?
A dieting pill. Same thing.
Same thing?! That's|amphetamine. It's an upper.
Trust me, it's all in her head.
All she needs is attention from|a guy and a colored pill.
Won't she talk our heads off?
Course not. That's a myth.
I loved your apartment! Gee!
It's so spacious, bright,|and airy, huh?
Our place is... well...|It's half...
the size of this one.|And when the sun...
comes in, ours gets|sweltering hot.
- I loved this.|- Don't touch!
It was Martha's|great-grandpa's. She loves it.
It's quite delicate.
Sorry. How much do you|pay in taxes here?
Our rent is $800 reais...
and there's no cart|for our grocery bags.
Where's her fucking head?
Mariana? It's me. Pick up.
We need to talk. Pick up.
I'm in trouble.|What's your number?
It's 3-4-3-6-6-6-6.
Shit! How do I do this?!
Fuck! Why are these|keypads so compact?
- There's no "redial" button?|- There is.
- Is there?|- Yes.
It's faded. It's this one here.
Thanks. I love|redial buttons.
It's the modern technology...
improving our lives, and...
Hello? Schh! Mariana?
It's Vani. Concluding my|message, I'm at this number:
3-4-3 or 4-3-4?
I won't leave until|I hear from you.
- You won't?!|- Relax.
My sister got wasted tonight.|She won't take long.
Take your time.
Guys, an anguish has|come over me.
From within.|My mouth's dry...
I'm gonna have a piripaque.
Stop it right there!
Piri what? "Piritaquio?"
No, "piripaque".|A fit, you know?
No, piripaque is more|like a seizure.
- It's pronounced peripaque.|- No, piripaque, with an "i."
It's peripaque, from Tupi|Guarani.
- Huh?|- From Peri, the Indian...
and paque, meaning "attack."
No! That's English:|"Pity pack."
Pity as "sorrow," pack as|"massive." Thus: Pity pack.
It's as if massive pain|had come over you.
I've never heard such|nonsense.
I have: "peripaque" means|Peri's attack.
Peri's a fag who throws fits?
- He's an emotional Indian.|- A fag!
Vani, forgive me.|Come back home.
I love you so very,|very much. Sergio.
I mean it. I'll have|a piripaque!
I fucked up! I'm fucked.|That's fucked up!
Check out Vani's|piripaque, Rui.
An orange! "Vani,|I love you."
Why would I believe your|love's sincere, Sergio?!
Forget me, okay?!
Shit. My love's not sincere?
What a joke. I'm being|totally honest.
Here's what I do to|our past, Sergio!
I'm tearing it up, and|throwing it away, ok?
How can it be over, Vani?|It's just begun.
A great love, full of kisses|and promises... Shit.
That's the romantic stuff|I dream of.
Ok, I'll hit you|with a watermelon.
She wants the truth?|She'll have it.
So cute, and romantic.
- The Cupid's arrow.|- It's phony.
A slide show! Great!
- That's him?|- Yep.
I won't fall for your cheap|trick! Forget it, honey.
Look. Is that a barbecue?
It's a party at Nono and|Nene's, my cousins.
- Your cousins?|- The well-hung one's in the back.
I want my stuff back...
and all my photos.
You'll get them. Here they are.
Is that your cousin, too?
That's... an ice cream that...
My lawyer will collect my|photos tomorrow, hear me?!
Explain these butts now.
Whose butt is "AMA?"
It's mine. Looks great, huh?
No way! Our intimacies!
What's that?
That's... my dad...
I can't explain that.
Stick that projector up|your ass, Sergio!
Fucked ya.
End of the show!
- What a life!|- Yeah, quite colorful, eh?
Pardon my French.|I seldom swear, but...
that asshole pisses me off.
That fucker will have to beg|me to come back, damn it!
For the love of God!
Swearing is uncalled-for.
Forgive me, father.
- She's foul-mouthed.|- Your mamma!
- See?|- "Mamma" is a curse word?
That's offensive.
- Your grandma, then.|- That's offensive, too.
- Your aunt, then.|- Which one?
- Whichever.|- It could be offensive, too.
Enough of circumlocution.
- I'm foul-mouthed?!|- He meant get to the point.
I feel slightly better,|you know?
Where were we?
- Us?|- Yeah.
Can't remember.
You were discussing|my vagina.
Right. You said your penis is|too big for her vagina.
I did not. You did!
Whoa! I haven't seen|either one.
You said it must be unpleasant|when we do it.
- We?!|- Not us. We.
You said she avoided sex.
I avoid sex?! I'm very much|interest in sex!
He said that.
- I did not!|- Since when do I avoid sex?!
- I didn't say that.|- She said you did.
- I did not!|- I bet you did!
- Who will you believe?|- Guys!
Just-married and fighting|like this?
Calm down. Put some music on.
What kind? Modern or oldies?
An upbeat flashback. How's that?
How's that?! I'm the king|of flashbacks.
- Comin' right up.|- I feel great.
Listen to yourself!
- How about you?!|- What about me?
You told your husband to stick|the projector up his ass!
- That's different.|- How?
I, want to know...
what you said, regarding my|interest, in sex.
I didn't, say, anything,|about that, comma.
I said, your tampon, was...
average, that is, smaller|than normal. Stop.
That's why the penis is|a muscle, not a bone.
To fit in different receptacles.
You know what|your problem is?
You believe what you read|in the packaging...
you believe men are faithful.
We're discussing tampons,|not men.
You know what regulations are?
Wouldn't it be illegal if|"regular" and "super..."
were identical sizes?
I didn't say "identical,"|but practically the same.
- They're not.|- They are.
They are not!
- Stop!|- Stay out of this.
I'm really glad I didn't|give you my rice.
Fine. And I'm glad...
I got my half of|the church flowers.
- You took'em?|- Yes, honey.
Same thing if you had a regular|or a super decoration.
- Let's...|- Shut up, Rui!
- Wanna bet?|- What?
That both sizes are almost|identical.
- How much?|- $50 dollars.
- What time is it?|- Two-ish.
Too late for a drugstore|delivery.
Don't you have a super|tampon at your place?
I do, but I won't got there.
I'll go get it.
- Second floor, right?|- Yeah, #202.
Does your husband know|where you put your tampons?
Course. Every man knows where|his wife puts her tampons.
She said "put," but meant "keep."
You meant where I keep'em?
In my suitcase.
There's this song Martha hates.|Should I put it?
I won't waste your time
I'll lay it out flatly before I die
I need a remedy real strong
I bet Sergio's spying on us.
Will you get it, please?
But I get no one to answer me|Who cares?
- Thanks.|- Sure.
Look, there's a bug here,|a cockroach, right here.
He said there was a magic drug
which cured all and didn't hurt
Try yourself.
Give it to me slow
Give it to me slow|so it won't hurt
Give it to me|nice and slow
Put it slowly|inside my heart
Tiger! We've only|got 10 minutes.
You're crazy.
You're crazy!
Open up my dress, Sergio.
There's so many|fucking buttons!
We've only got 5 minutes.
You're crazy!
Do you always come up to|the rooftop to have a smoke?
Martha has asthma attacks|from the smoke.
I can't sleep with her wheezing|next to me, so I smoke up here.
Incredible. How can a smoker...
marry a girl who wheezes|with smoke?
That's what I'm telling you.
- What's that?|- People should only marry...
the lids to their pots,|you know?
- Come again?|- Haven't you heard that?
- What?|- "He's the lid to my pot?"
- Right.|- So, that's what I think.
Right on.
And how does one know|if he's someone else's lid?
Well, when you find the lid|to your pot...
you get some sort of sign,|you know? There.
I did get a sign.
Her dad signed our home's|downpayment.
Jesus! You're so materialistic.
Not that kind of sign.
It's like, when you kiss|for the first time...
you hear bells, you know?
Did you hear bells?
- When I first kissed Sergio?|- Yeah.
I heard flushing. We were|in a Club's restroom.
He might be the lid|to your toilet bowl.
I've lived with Martha|over a year.
We got married, cause|her dying grandpa...
wanted to see her|go down the aisle.
So you didn't hear|any bells with her?
When I first kissed her?
I heard: "Don't touch|my boobs!"
- You...|- I just...
grabbed them.
I understand, cause Martha...|Gosh! She's got...
such a rack.|It's amazing.
I chose Martha as|my soul mate...
mostly for her...|you know?
- Tits?|- No. Integrity.
Martha's very loyal.
Button me up. We won't|meet for a while.
Are you leaving the Gym?
No, you are.
- Right. It's risky.|- No, I enjoy risks, but...
newlyweds shouldn't|have affairs.
That's my case.
Marrying on the same day is fine,|but why in the same church?
Couples can only marry|in their local parishes.
I had to present my|electricity and gas bills...
Bills? To be married? Insane!
Indeed, damn priests.
One thought I was Jewish.
Had to show him if my dick|was circumcised.
- And is it?|- Damn, Martha!
Found it.
Tell her I'm dying|with guilt, I swore...
I'd change, and you saw|I meant it.
I'll say you were tear-eyed.
No, I've never cried|in front of her...
let alone in front of|a stranger, see?
Will you bring me a gift|from Montevideo?
Okay. Tell her I love her|way, way more than life.
"Way, way more," okay.
You're crazy. And gorgeous!
- He'll kill himself.|- What?!
Yep. He's threatening|to kill himself!
He's crying like a baby.|If you...
don't take him back,|he'll swallow DDT!
Did he say that?
Yes. And that if you didn't|come back in 15 minutes...
I should tell you that...
he loves you "way, way more|than life."
15 minutes, he said.
A bet is a bet.
- A tiny difference.|- Tiny, my ass. It's huge.
Are you crazy? Rui!
It's neither tiny nor huge.
I can't tell from here.|We need an "anatomic" angle.
Did you save your wedding|cake figurines?
I did.
Now we're talking.
Regular, right?
And now, super.
Super... Regular... Super...
Tell me there's no difference.
Of course, there is.
I refuse to discuss|that with you.
I got more important things to|do than discussing my uterus.
And so do you, by the way.
I'll see you. We're neighbors.
Yeah. I'll see you around.
What if your cousin calls?
Cousin? No, my sister.
If she calls, what do I say?
Tell her I went over Sergio's|to settle this.
I won't sleep over her place.
There, honey.
$50 dollars and your "Super|Pussy of the Street" trophy.
She's jealous.
Indeed. Hey, that's my trophy:
Indoor Soccer Champion!
- So, what's he like?|- Who?
Who, Martha? The guy.
Worse that she is.
A cheap womanizer.
She seemed even-keeled.
Reasonable, given her situation.
Freud would explain this.
She left those behind?
I said you were in tears,|threatening to take DDT.
I said you were in tears,|threatening to take DDT!
- Who is this?|- Me, you dumb-ass!
You left these behind.
Oh, yeah. Throw them to me.
Come on.
Man... I'll give you a hand.
Careful, huh? Wait.
- What?|- Wait.
- I can't breath.|- I'm slipping.
Got them?
- This way.|- Wait!
- Well?|- I'll sweep my leg across.
I'll get them now.
You okay?
I can't reach.
Let me just...
Let me kneel down here.
Kneel where? Wait.
- Hey, my dress!|- Sorry!
You said I'd poison myself|and she stayed on?
Yep, because of that|tampon bet I told you about.
- And who won?|- What?
That's it. Scream,|if you need anything.
I just might.
No, if you need a ride, advice,|or a punch in his face.
That I will need.
- Hey?|- Did you talk to me?
Well, congratulations.
You refusal to say who|won is taking more time...
than saying it straightaway.
She won, okay?!|Happy now, man?
Who's this?
- Who is it?|- My mom.
She's shocked|at all this mess.
- You said "man."|- Did I?
Yeah, "happy now, man?"
Mom, did I said "happy, man"|or "happy, mom?"
"Mom?" "Happy, mom?!"
For what, Martha?|I'm lost.
I did say, "happy, man?"|My mistake.
Mom, I gotta go now, and|consummate my marriage.
Bye, mom.
What's this "mom" shit?
- What?|- Nothing. It's fine.
And remember:
Consummate it with your left hand.
I'm here.
I'd poison myself with DDT,|if you didn't come back.
I'd poison myself with DDT,|if you didn't come back.
- You would not.|- Yes, I would.
Would not.
- Why not?|- Because.
- Of course, I would.|- Would not.
Yes, I would.
Would not. Would not.
- Okay, I wouldn't.|- I knew it.
Cause I knew you'd come back.
- I would not.|- Yes, you would.
Would not. Why would I?
Because I love you.
- You do not, Sergio.|- I do, Vani.
- You do not.|- I do.
- Do ya?|- Look at me.
Have you ever seen me|this tear-eyed?
Now you'll know the pleasures|of sex, my damsel.
No, your damsel's|got her period.
No problem. There are|other possibilities.
- What was that?|- What?
- That noise.|- What noise?
That one.
What is it?
- What is that, Martha?|- Well?
Was my show regular or super?
- It was super.|- Didn't hear ya.
Come here, then. Come on.
Open up these buttons.|I have a surprise for you.
- What surprise?|- Open them, and I'll tell you.
- What?|- I've saved...
part of my virginity for|our wedding night.
I'm serious.
There's one thing I've never|done and I want do it tonight.
- What is it?|- Well, Rui, it.
- What is it?|- It, Rui.
We've already done "it."
No, I mean something|much better.
In that case...
it can only be "it."
- How odd. Wait.|- What?
Didn't I button you up last?
- In the car?|- Sure.
Well, someone's missed|3 buttonholes.
Am I missing a button?
No, someone's buttoned you up,|but missed 3 buttonholes.
I-I had to use the b-bathroom|at that m-maniac's...
husband's place.
- His bathroom?|- I had to p-p-pee. Why?
The guy in tears threatening|to kill himself, and you peed?
Yeah, s-s-so what, Rui?
Did you have to undress|your top to pee?
N-no. I-I washed my face,|so I-I lowered it...
to... to avoid g-getting it wet.
- Why are you stammering?|- I'm not.
Am not! Why?
See the level of your|galloping paranoia, Vani?!
I don't even know what|I'm being accused of.
This rice, Sergio. How did it|end up on your bed?
How would I know?
- You brought that girl in here!|- No.
Was she in the living room|the whole time?
And she went into the kitchen|to get your tampon.
So, these rice grains came|jumping all the way here.
Actually, they're not rice.
They're Mexican albino|jumping beans...
- right, Sergio?!|- Why are you asking me?
You know damn well dona Rosa|is responsible for the cleaning.
You're gonna blame her now.
A kardecist widow, mother of 5...
sexless since '63?
So she drank champagne|in our glass...
wearing pink lipstick, then|picked rice on our bed?
People do crazy stuff.
Like you. Didn't you fight|for that Pussy Trophy...
while I was killing myself|with DDT?
I didn't not fight for any...
How did you know that?
I hadn't told you.
Have you been talking|to that woman?
Where are you going?
- Guess.|- No idea.
I'll verify your story|at that guy's.
"My story?"|Are you crazy?
This is between you and me,|between the two of us.
The 4 of us. Look what I found.
- I can't see it.|- Rice.
A little rice, no biggie.
- So what?|- Exactly what I said.
I found it on our bed. It|must've come from her!
- From me?|- Yes! You bitch!
I know they did it|while she was here.
Look for her pink lipstick.
You're insane!
No, you are! Bitch!
- Don't call me that!|- Let go of her, asshole!
I'm trying to help!|She's my wife!
His mini-dick must|fit her regular pussy.
You're 100% crazy!
I'm going over there.|I don't want make a scene.
Where's my glass?
I don't know what you're|talking about.
Where is it? Oh, you'll|have a little juice?
That's been sitting there|for over a year.
- Tastes great.|- I doubt it.
You're trying to fool me.|Where's my glass?
I'm your husband now.|I could have you committed.
For a jerk, you're|a terrible liar.
- Where's my glass?|- I have no idea.
In the fridge.
Rui, if you ruin my|lipsticks, I'll kill you!
That won't come out.
We'll need a new paint job.
I feel like retaliating|your act of vandalism.
What can I do?
What if I smash that cheap|dinnerware set...
we got from your parents?
Yeah! I'll break that cheap|dinnerware set...
we got from your parents.
Easy, Vani. If you|flip your lid...
you'll cease being right...
which you are. Gotta be|outraged, yet sensible.
Oh, great!
Where's that fucking|lipstick?!
You broke my great-grandma's|ballerina!
I did not!
This is unbelievable.
My assets suffered a blow,|and you rant over lipstick?
And only I wear it?!
Next, you'll say Patrick Lemar's|made it exclusively for me.
Liar! He already knew I'd won|the Super Pussy Trophy.
Was he the man on the phone?
- Did she call anyone?|- Not anyone. My mom.
Don't fall for this nonsense.
- She's out of her mind!|- Where's the phone?
My mom went to bed|right after we hung up.
Is her number 3...?
She wears earplugs.|My dad snores.
- What's her number?|- 2-7...
Don't! You'll cancel the last|number! Press "redial."
Do it and we're through.
- Press "redial."|- Will you trust this woman...
you've just met over me?
Press it. Press it.
Pardon me?
What was that, Rui?
- I got mixed up.|- Poor him.
I meant to say "piripaque."
Say "piripaque," "piripaque,"|real fast, it sounds like...
"what-the-feck", see?
I still don't get it.
How did "piripaque" turn|into "what-the-feck?"
I had an adrenaline rush...
cause several people's fates|depended on that redialing.
The brain sends the tongue|an impulse it can't control.
Once, I left a party|really wasted, and I...
got pulled over|by the police.
Instead of saying,|"Good evening, officer..."
I said, "Can I go|if I flash at you?"
- Anyway...|- Yeah, anyway...
Hello? Good evening.
Who's this? I see.
This is the phone company.|We're running some tests.
Would you please stick|your phone up your ass?
- Was it her mother?|- Unbelievable!
A prankster caller at such|an ungodly hour.
People have no respect,|really.
What's next?
Shit! Won't that animal|break them apart?
Well? Want me to stick|that phone up your ass?
Enough! Say no more!
- He didn't do it.|- I didn't.
- I'd never do that!|- I would...
- but I heard screaming.|- Screaming?
A cat fight. Lotsa screaming,|but no one gets hurt.
Stop it! Your story's|so sinful...
I can only hear you|in the confessional.
We're not here to confess.
We haven't sinned. They have.
We're the victims in all this.
I'm boarding a liner in 1 hour.|No time to confess.
I'm staying right here.
You want to talk to me? You'll|have to confess, individually.
I refuse to confess.
And I'm claustrophobic.
I'm not moving. You decide.
If we must confess,|we should sin first.
And confess later.
A really hairy sin to|have your full attention.
Excuse us while we|have a quickie here.
The first one to be done|will confess to you, ok?
Time's running out to prevent|a sinful act in your church.
Let lust begin!
I'm gonna French kiss him.
French kissing in the vestry?|Wait till the Vatican hears it.
Heads will roll!
- Did you hear that?|- I did.
All aboard!
Departure's at 10 o'clock!
All aboard!
Departure's in 25 minutes!
I won't forfeit my only|transatlantic cruise...
by staying here!
We both heard bells. What|more do you want?!
Do you want to date me?|Call me to catch a movie?
Maybe. Why not?
Because I'll never ever|date again.
- Liar.|- Oh yeah?
I'll have sex, get married,|have children, but I won't date.
I could get a divorce, but|I'm too old to date.
Wait. Come here.
Put me down! I'll honeymoon|wherever I want!
Look, I did that, cause I've|got something for you.
Really? I want nothing from you.
It's a piece of jewelry.
A heirloom I saved for|that special woman.
- Jewelry?|- I thought...
Martha never really|deserved it.
What kind? A diamond?
It's solid gold. I wanted you|to have it...
to remember me on your trip.
I'll wait here. But hurry back...
or I'll just go ahead,|and board.
Life is so crazy
So short
Since I can't take you|with me
I want you to take me|with you
Out of the way!|Come on!
See, Martha? I knew|he'd come back.
I'd love to strangle you.
- Coming! Who is it?|- Severino, the doorman.
Stop! You're trespassing.|I could call the police!
Easy, I'm calm.|I was angry back then.
- Where's Vani?|- Let's act as civilized men.
- Much better.|- What's your name?
My name? Sergio Fontenele.
Rui, Martha's husband.|The girl you've been banging.
Ouch! Wait! My bursitis!
- Too bad. What's your team?|- Flamengo.
Favorite cartoon characters?
- The Flintstones.|- Okay. So...
you'll sing Botafogo's anthem|in the Flintstones' voice.
- Hey, Fred.|- No, sing, sing.
Botafogo, Botafogo,|1910's Champion.
My piece of jewelry?
- You stayed?|- No, I'm gone. See me there?
Where's my solid gold ring?
- I won't take cheap stuff.|- Fine.
- My ring!|- Your right hand.
- What?|- Right hand.
"Rui, 9/17/96."|That's yesterday...
but until we go to bed|it's still yesterday.
Your turn.
- Put my ring.|- What?
Gotta read it first.
"Vanilce, 9/17/96."
Vani is my nickname.
Nobody's perfect.
- Now what?|- We're engaged.
You said "no dating."|So we're engaged.
And what's with that|wedding band, you dog?
When we met that day|It was just as I expected
You didn't recognize me|but pretended it was okay
I know you must have kept|a bit of me inside you
Like a silent movie|before words were invented
I've tuned up my ears
to hear your calls
Now that you're all dizzy...
those cards will roll up,|with info on the characters.
This fisherman invested in|smuggling the $50 dollars...
Vani paid for this "cruise",|and got rich.
Rui & Vani are still happily engaged.|(At least, last we checked.)
Their love bore a totally|normal 71 -segment TV series.
Martha & Sergio had sex a few|more times, than got bored.
Sergio got a sheriff's|daughter pregnant...
and finally got married.
And Martha is here,|in the last row...
feeling the ex-fisherman's|crotch.
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