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Nacktschnecken 2004

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Six, six, six.
Six, six, six, six...
That counts.
Johann, I've been thinking.
Where you work...
they spend tons on PR, right?
So let's do a commercial for the Post.
It's not called Post anymore,
now it's called Telekom.
Wrong, the Post is...
still in charge of mail & phone calls.
Who still calls from the Post?
The commercial is done, but we say...
we're a creative young team...
with a great idea.
Give us an office for 3 months...
with Internet and everything else,
and we'll design...
a revolutionary new ad concept.
If you're not happy, pay nothing.
Sure, they do it all the time.
They're not risking a thing.
That's 3 months of...
surfing, games, and free phone calls.
Plus they'll want our commercial too.
'Cause it's brilliant.
Wanna know how it goes?
I rolled a six.
Black background. 3 seconds long.
Coming from left...
midway down the screen,
you see in yellow the word "post,"
and right afterwards...
the same word again, and again,
"post," "post," "post"...
The text runs from left to right...
across the screen.
And you hear a male voice,
sonorous but young, saying, "post,
post, post"...
Blows your mind, doesn't it?
It'll be the start of a whole new craze.
On the streets people will wink at each other and say:
"post, post, post. "
You could at least mention it to your PR manager.
Sure thing. I'll talk to him first thing tomorrow.
Yeah, I mean, it doesn't hurt to ask. It's a terrific idea.
Yeah, but you said you'd talk to the PR manager.
Y'know, about the commercial.
Yeah. Post, post, post, yeah.
It'll work for sure. Yeah.
Post, post, post...
I imagine how you look still half asleep...
as you drink your coffee at the breakfast table.
How you bend forward and reach for the butter,
and your bathrobe slips.
I imagine my hand between your legs,
how nice and warm it is here...
in your little nest.
Has anyone ever written back?
Leave me alone, I've got a headache.
Wildbach. Funny.
Gerhard married a girl from there. - Oh yeah?
He was my best friend in grade school.
We sat next to each other for 4 years.
Julia Loibnegger. Bet she's dying to move in with you guys.
OK, put it back now.
We are but tiny stars born of a cosmic bang.
What's that supposed to mean?
Here, look.
It was singing so pretty just now.
I got a few 100 grams sausage.
I need you to come pick it up, make cold cuts...
Answer the phone.
It's 60 for the house sausage.
I'm out of caramel,
but I'm getting some fresh raider next week.
I'll let you know next time.
And I'm not the bank, OK?
You know how much you owe me?
You'll get your money, don't worry.
Are you jerking off?
Don't call me Seppi.
You do know that that's not the answer.
I don't care.
What are you thinking about?
Could it be...
that you wrote another letter?
I imagine you in the morning...
as you drink your coffee.
Thanks a lot.
I lost it.
You really turn me on the way you butter your roll.
Hello. - Hello.
Do you take credit cards?
You want a receipt too?
Very funny.
Come in.
Forget it.
Smart girl.
A true professional, I like that.
Honey, I'll be right back.
I don't need any dope at the moment,
turns your brain to mush.
But I hear you're...
interested in films and whatnot,
and that you know that scene. - Where'd you hear that?
Not important. I might have something for you.
A video, see?
Fuck off.
With boy and girl students.
With sex and whatnot.
Amateurish is OK, like a home movie,
just let the camera run.
I'd be the producer.
What did you have in mind?
Well like with intellectuals, you know,
who get together and say smart stuff...
and screw each other.
But nothing lame.
With blow jobs...
and bare asses and juicy stuff like that.
That's what folks wanna see.
Forget it.
Let's have your 100.
Is that ganja?
Normally I'm the ganja man.
I can't believe you don't know a couple of guys...
who just think about porkin' all day.
Hey, isn't that Martha over there?
Didn't you make out with her at Mao's party?
Yeah, a little.
Who's that geeky teaching major behind her?
Beats me.
Old becomes new. Now that can't be.
New becomes old, Marie.
Warm becomes cold.
And now should cyberspace replace your dear grandson?
A keyboard wet with tears of woe.
Where did all the people go?
Go on, she's just playing hard to get.
I could sure use some pussy again.
I've been thinking the same thing.
We don't get the kind of regular sex we deserve.
I don't know.
Why does some geeky 30-year-old think I'm sexy...
and not the 20-year-old babe?
Teaching-major-chick would have gone to bed with you.
I'm not that hard up.
I was a teaching major too for a while,
but the way she was dancing...
Yeah, no way.
I mean, so wild and uninhibited,
but at the same time totally uncool.
We've got more important things on our minds.
Like how to make sure that in our next life...
we don't get reborn as ourselves.
You wanna split a kebab?
Business is going good?
It's OK. How's it going with you two?
I play soccer every once in a while...
I've seriously been thinking...
about quitting my job at the post office.
Changing shifts so much...
makes my head spin in the afternoon.
So what's your plan?
I'd like to do something creative.
Dance instructor maybe, huh?
Lambada classes for swinger couples.
There's an untapped market.
Or we could make a porn flick with you as stars.
Very funny.
That'd be something creative.
It's what you men always dream about.
You can count me out.
Did someone buy box wine? Mr. Cheapskate strikes again.
I think we should have a good story...
with credible characters and real emotions and entanglements.
And what I like are the mix-ups.
You know like someone slams the door of a hotel room...
and the nine turns into a six. - I don't know.
We're making a sex film not a Jerry Lewis comedy.
I think the intellectual side has to...
It's gotta be realistic, y'know,
like in the George Michael video at the ski lodge...
where they have a blast and everyone screws everyone.
Except for with us it's summertime.
I think the best stories are like real life.
Students go to the countryside to study for an exam...
hoping it'll improve their concentration, and then...
everyone fucks everyone.
In between they drill each other and quote Aristotle and stuff.
Where's the story?
They flunk the test.
Oh, real life, just more intense...
And more stimulating: "friction fiction. "
We may call it fiction,
but that doesn't mean we can't really do it in the film...
just so the people watching can lean back and say,
"It's just a movie. "
Like the gorgeous female character...
who appears in the male character's...
fantasy sex scene...
that turns out to be just his dream.
But she really was naked - in the movie.
And in reality too.
During the dream sequence shoot.
I think we should cheetah some alcohol.
I think we should cheetah some alcohol.
I see, meaning what?
I'd like to cheetah a little alcohol tonight.
It doesn't mean anything.
It does so.
Then where does this come from,
to cheetah alcohol?
Obviously from cheetah.
The animal?
Akin to leoparding.
I don't know, I think she's lion to us.
You're using it as a verb.
That's crap.
It really does exist. I swear.
She's leopardizing our friendship.
That's a verb. - There you have it.
Of course.
I assume this works with every animal.
I mean why not giraffe a pint or camel a six-pack?
Or we could apple or orange ourselves silly.
You get 3000 up front, I'll throw in some ganja,
that'll take care of expenses.
You get the rest when you deliver.
How do I do a whole porn flick on 3000?
That's just for starters.
if things work out...
and it sells well,
I'll give you a cut.
You let me down, though, you got a problem.
There's some milk left...
Roger. And thanks.
Have a safe trip.
The bike isn't too sturdy, I'd rather...
Let's go, Reini.
First Vienna Wet Pussy Raffle.
Hey, an orgy where you wear paper bags with faces drawn on them.
You want this one too?
Who are we balling anyway?
We'll be casting the female roles.
And I'll be directing, as non-playing captain.
Now I get it. You wanna play director.
Max, leave the dildos alone. C'mon we're outta here.
Ciao. Bye. See you later. - Max, let's go.
Listen to this dialogue.
Mashed potatoes still good?
Mao is absolutely right.
If these idiots can earn money like this, so can we.
Look, what's so hard about that?
And you don't care if Mao's making all the decisions?
The main thing is to get the job done and collect.
And Mao's the right person for that.
With my share of the money I'm going to Mallorca.
I'll learn how to kite surf and get drunk every night.
And when I come home, I'm gonna start a new life.
Say what you want about porn flicks,
but they kick ass when it comes to names.
See, Gina Wild, for instance.
Teresa Orlowski, that's hot, man.
Shouldn't we be thinking of male names?
Oh brother.
I mean, for example, Clit Eastwood...
He sounds like a hermaphrodite.
What about Boris Pecker? - He's got enough problems.
But the beat-all of names is...
Phil Mydick.
He's for real. It comes from feel my dick.
You get it?
I know what you mean, but seriously,
what about Joe Meat? Joe because my name's Johann...
I like Joe Meathead better.
Give us a call and stop by.
"Politeness. " OK.
Check moaning skills.
"Suitability. "
I'm not sure about that one. - What?
That's a key point, you dork.
We have to see if they really want to do it.
Alright OK.
If you want, we can scratch "politeness"...
and replace it with "cleanliness. "
Hey, it's important to me.
And how did you want to monitor that?
What? - Sabine.
And this is Johann, my partner, or Joe.
I thought I'd try anyway.
Can't you read, we're only casting women.
Do I have a chance?
My parents are so fuckin' stingy, it drives me crazy.
I don't know how I'll get through the summer.
Be in our film.
I'll cancel your debts and you can earn some spending money.
Shit, I should be studying for my entrance exam.
It's your call.
Well, Mara.
What makes you think you're right for this job?
I just know it.
Is this really so important?
I had group sex on my high school graduation trip.
No problem.
I'm very generously endowed.
It's her.
I know.
It's her, I'm positive.
Should we go over our lines?
Were we supposed to learn them?
The scene where I drill you.
I'm at the kitchen table holding the philosophy book.
Watch the road.
Wow look! It's an old pub turned into a whorehouse.
Stop, I think I need a drink. - Nothin' doin'.
That feels so good.
Sometimes I need to work up a sweat.
Sitting at the desk all day makes my muscles and bones ache.
Then we cut to the stationary bicycle, right?
Gimme that letter.
I imagine how you look...
still half asleep... ... drink your coffee.
...butter, and your bathrobe slips.
I imagine my hand between your legs,
how nice and warm it is in your little nest.
What does that mean little nest?
We are but tiny stars born of a cosmic bang.
What's that supposed to mean?
This crap turns you on?
Turn right.
Are you kidding, it's on the left.
No, the right. I ought to know where my parents live.
Drive carefully. People have died on this road.
Calm down, there's nothing wrong with the way I'm driving.
There it is.
I'm allergic to Schînbrunn yellow.
Yuck, all over my car...
Roll down your windows.
I don't believe this. - Why didn't you say something. Gross.
Turn off the windshield wipers, fat lot a good they're doing.
Hold on, Mara. I'll deal with it later.
Are you still nauseous?
You know how much this call is costing...
Hi, can you hear me?
Hi sweetheart. When did you get there?
The weather's lousy, tomorrow should to be nicer.
It's already clearing up a bit.
Remember to lock the door to Papa's room. You know how he is.
And also...
I have to tend to things, OK?
Motorized windows.
They're worthless, always broken.
Where'd you get this place?
Reini's been working on it for years.
Where's the TV?
Locked up.
That's off-limits.
This door stays shut.
They're only slugs. - Garden slugs.
Yuck, you guys are so gross.
This is so disgusting.
They're all over the whole lawn.
How can I act here? I'm not lying down...
until it's cleaned up, is that clear? - It's not a lawn it's a yard...
Get a bucket and collect the slugs.
Normally you pour beer on them, huh?
What a waste though.
Or you use ducks.
Just the Indian runner ducks that go upright.
They can't fly, huh?
Yeah, selective breeding. Now all they do is eat slugs.
Up to 150 a day.
I'd like my own room.
Tough luck.
I don't bite.
You think they're a delicacy?
If there's this many, they can't be a delicacy.
A delicacy is uncommon & special.
In that case I'm a delicacy too.
Per day we need at least an indoor...
and an outdoor fuck or oral sex scene,
plus one lesbian scene, and we'll be done by Saturday.
I'm Marika, an exchange student from Serbia.
I'm so unexperienced in studying,
I can't wait to bone up with the boys.
Whether from the front or the back...
I read every book from cover to cover.
Was that OK?
I study law.
This is my 18th semester.
I've invited a few friends to my house.
We'll be studying for a mighty tough exam.
I wonder...
how this twitching in my testicles...
will affect my studying.
My name is Joe.
I study philosophy and this is my 12th semester.
Our young study mates...
are eager to learn...
and simply dying to start cramming with us.
I'm sure we'll be delving deeply...
into some very stimulating subjects.
I've been thinking about our parts.
And the sports student...
The sports student still isn't clear to me.
I can't relate to her.
What do you mean?
Well, to me she's this introverted character...
For being introverted she sure goes all out in aerobics.
It suits you though.
That's totally irrelevant here, OK?
My character gives head too,
but if you suck dick the way you drive,
you're gonna make everybody puke.
Is this girl mental or something?
Let's talk about this like adults.
I bet she's never given a real blow job.
My God, she's so crude. I wish I'd known this before.
In the next couple of days you have the chance to earn 2000 each.
I think that's reason enough to get along.
Who wants some more goulash?
I bet condoms look lame on film.
Are you crazy?
You can catch something so easily doing porn.
They said they're clean. They're young. I believe them.
Hi Mara.
Graduation trip. Group sex.
Herpes, syphilis, AIDS.
You're insane.
Who do you like better?
Martha or Mara?
That's something professional porn stars never ask themselves.
You just take things as they come.
This feels so good.
Sometimes I need to work up a sweat.
Sitting at the desk all day makes my muscles and bones ache.
Sitting at the desk all day makes my muscles and bones ache.
Our bones are aching too.
I'll show you a workout that will really pump you up.
I'm burning to start,
on fire like an Olympic torch.
Well maybe after all this studying we should have a little fun.
What do you think, Marika?
What kind of car is this, Georgie?
A Corvette.
It's not just a Corvette, it's a philosophy.
I'm a philosopher myself.
And you wouldn't want to lose it?
Harry, I need this car.
In my business, image is everything.
I can't drive a Micra Mouse.
You don't pay, you don't drive anything.
Harry, I give you my word of honor:
in 2 weeks you'll get the rest of your money,
or I'll return the car myself.
You knew the conditions. Your Corvette is history.
You can't do that.
Cause and effect.
It's like the flap of a butterfly's wing.
What's with the flap of a butterfly's wing?
Can honor produce an effect? Listen.
I am listening.
Tell me what your concept is.
I've got something killer in the works.
Nothing half-baked.
It's tight.
Yeah, it'll work out.
I need a partner. I can feel it in my bones.
I'm talking wampum.
What's in your bones?
Y'know, loot.
A treasure trove.
Let me swallow your torch.
Don't look at the camera.
And besides that's my line, and it goes...
"Let me swallow your fire. "
Can we get on with it?
No, I can't work if she doesn't know her lines.
Redo the lines afterwards.
No, we're not post-dubbing this.
I have to agree with Mara. John Doe from Smalltown...
won't go into a porn shop...
asking for Titfuck Parade instead of...
Thirsty Ladies in Negligés for the soundtrack.
Is that an erection?
Hi George.
No, you're not disturbing, we're doing a shoot.
What? 3 days? That wasn't the plan.
Unexpected complications. Whatever.
You're not cutting corners, are you?
Don't worry, it's under control.
It's choppy, too many holes in the dialogue.
Bad timing. I gotta go.
It's not that hard. Max says "torch,"
you strip, and he fucks your big dialogue hole shut.
I'm not fucking next to you, you slut.
Is she whacked?
Get off there, you brats.
I'll blow you away.
I'll blow a hole in your heads...
so the blood shoots out the front and the back.
All day and not a single scene we can use.
Too stupid to fuck.
Then do it yourself, if you're so smart.
I don't need porn to fuck.
Or friends either. I can do it myself.
She doesn't need friends?
C'mon, Mao, Hansi, stop being silly.
Don't call me Hansi.
I told you it was a harebrained plan from the start.
Shut the fuck up, you spoiled bitch.
Hey Max.
Great party. Now she's really snapped, the retard.
Are you crazy? Say that one more time, say it.
Say it again. - Retard, retard...
Stupid bitch.
If it's embarrassing or you don't want to do it,
then we'll stop, OK?
I promise.
I have the feeling I'm about to get my period.
Then you don't have to fuck.
It's like in gym class at school.
Let me just go fix my makeup, OK?
Way to go. Excellent.
Fantastic. Keep it up.
Fuckin' ay, man.
Great closeup.
Good, Martha. You're both doing great.
Do you know this one?
A man comes up to a woman and says:
"I know a magic trick. "
The woman says, "Alright, let's see. "
The man says, "It's easy. "
"Get down on your knees and suck my dick,"
"and afterwards vanish into thin air. "
I am so thirsty.
Get her a drink and then we'll get started.
Great job. - Bring the chocolate too.
I've got one too.
A princess comes up to a pond,
sees a little frog, and thinks,
"How cute. " So she says,
"If I give you a kiss,"
"will you turn into a prince?" Frog says,
"No, that's my brother, me you gotta give head. "
This round's on the house.
It won't make us blind, will it?
It's only good if it burns.
How do you make a woman scream twice?
First you fuck her in the ass...
then you wipe your dick on her curtains.
That was a good one.
Totally stupid.
Let's get back to work, OK?
Martha blow job.
I feel sick. I need to lie down on the sofa.
What's wrong?
You stoners, see what happens? - She's snoring.
Sound asleep.
Let's carry her inside.
I told you to go easy on the hash.
Are you kidding. This is the alcohol.
Hash doesn't get you sick 'cause it makes you eat.
Mao is a strange name.
My real name's Maria. But Reini thought that...
as a baby I looked like Mao Tse-tung, and it stuck.
What do we do with her now?
We fuck on the sofa.
Anita, come down, this is wild.
No Reini, please.
You come upstairs.
It's so far out.
Here's to a wonderful vacation. - Cheers.
Same to you.
Does Mao have a boyfriend?
There's probably someone.
I hope it's not one of those two turkeys.
Definitely not.
I think she prefers women. - Nonsense.
She's never brought a boyfriend home.
Me either.
Crappy music. We should have brought our own.
I think it rocks.
My old man and his records.
What's wrong?
Don't you like your dad?
He fights the system from the inside out.
Subversive to the core.
And we allegedly ruined his revolution.
He has a fit if Mom talks on the phone too long.
Where did they go for vacation anyway?
A Communist castle. Run-down, but cool.
And no TV.
His way of punishing himself...
for earning too much and building this place.
You're not serious.
I love you.
I have a hard time fucking just anyone.
I don't mean that as an excuse because...
the girls are really sweet...
But with you and me, we're already a team.
Or how should I put it?
You and me,
we could be something magical.
You know?
I mean, it's already there.
I like you a lot, really, but I'm going to sleep now.
Can I spend the night here anyway? - Max, please.
We were pretty drunk. Your normal graduation trip.
And do you do this... I mean, have you done this a lot?
Shit, I should use a condom.
It's too tight.
You have to wait till you're hard.
Yeah, I know that,
but it's not easy with you on top...
Then I'll be on the bottom.
Did you know we made out once?
Of course.
Well what?
Yeah well,
didn't it mean anything to you?
I don't know, I guess it was OK.
I mean I was pretty drunk.
And now?
Actually, I'm pretty drunk now too.
Hey... - What?
I'm not sure if we're on camera.
Don't worry. We're fine. It's close enough.
You can't see us.
Sure you can. It's fine.
I want to stop.
Stop. Stop.
Stop, you asshole.
Hey, Mara, I'm sorry.
It's been 2 years since I had a girlfriend...
and half a year since I had sex.
Please forgive me.
You know what?
We'll erase it, OK?
I'm really sorry.
I don't believe it. The bitch. I should have known.
Maybe she just went to the next farmhouse. To get milk.
Should we go look for her?
It's a 3/4 hour walk at least to the next town.
And she stole my makeup case too.
What a lousy, rotten thing to do.
Can you lend me your Kajal?
Mara, I'm sorry about last night, honest.
I just wanted...
It still happened, didn't it?
Want some?
About last night... I dunno...
It's OK, but now let me think.
You gotta help me.
Or this won't work. Please.
See if I care.
We've got a deadline,
and we still haven't filmed anything remotely usable.
Much less a closeup or a cum shot.
We haven't filmed absolutely nothing.
What did we film?
The lesbian scene won't be a problem anymore.
Why not?
I'll be back in an hour.
Where are you going?
What's going on?
C'mon George, pick up the phone.
Look a butterfly.
I don't see anything.
There, a butterfly.
A butterfly has 12,000 eyes.
You know, butterfly comes from flutterby,
so it means to flutter by...
and not a fly that likes butter.
Life insurance is another funny word, or earwig.
I mean, it doesn't come from ear or wig.
This might sound silly now, but...
I liked you from the first time I saw you during casting.
I thought it would pass,
but it didn't.
We've slept with each other,
but this is the first time we're really talking.
Good morning.
Is the boss around?
No thanks, we've got enough girls.
No, it's not that. We need a girl.
Miss, we're not open yet.
Sometimes I write letters...
with no return address,
to women.
And I image them opening them...
and reading, and their jaws dropping,
not literally, of course.
It's kind of like hide-and-seek, except they can't find me.
I've never told anybody that.
Not even Max.
Once some guy called me for three weeks...
every single day...
and babbled nonsense.
He didn't tell me his name either.
Mostly he didn't say anything.
And besides, how should I put it?
What do you mean by we? We need?
All of us. All of you.
Or someone else...
who needs something, if you know what I mean.
We want to borrow a girl for a movie...
We might not get her back.
I've got money.
So do I. Good day.
George, can you help us find a new girl?
What's wrong?
Martha ran away.
The specific identity of their renegade cunts...
doesn't mean beans to me.
The exact names of your bitches...
don't mean a fart to me.
What? You aren't making sense.
Listen, by Saturday I need the video...
with what you've filmed so far.
Do they understand?
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Or they won't get a cent.
Or you won't get your dough.
It can't be that hard. Others have gotten the job done.
I agree, it can't be that hard.
End of discussion.
I imagine you reaching across the counter...
and handing the No. 2 wrench to me on the ladder,
still sweaty after tearing the plastic packaging...
off our new wall-to-wall bookshelf.
And then I imagine your skirt slipping open...
and I...
work your hot nest with my plane iron until sparks fly.
You can read it yourself.
Hello, Mrs. Schreiber. - Good morning, Mrs. Loibnegger.
Then you are from our village?
You wrote me the letter.
Loibnegger, Julia.
How funny.
I always imagined you completely different.
I'm just passing through.
Breakfast in my bathrobe.
The warm nest.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
Why do you do this?
I didn't know it was you? It was a coincidence.
No reason. It's always the same letter.
But I don't know that.
I thought the letter was for me.
That's mean.
Really mean. - It wasn't anything personal.
Look at me.
I'm not disappointed. I just pictured you different.
I always compared you to Gerhard, and I just thought...
you were somehow special, that's all.
You need more confidence, it was a nice letter.
Really nice.
You're so beautiful.
I love you.
You're my wife.
We are but tiny stars born of a cosmic bang.
A cosmic bang.
What's going on here?
He's really getting into it.
That's the best you can come up with?
I think this is cool.
Yeah well. At least he's putting up a fight.
Other people just know how to talk big.
Oh. And yourself?
You just know how to spread bad vibes, right captain?
Get changed.
Wait. I'm about to come.
You look great.
What are you thinking about? - C'mon,
don't make it more complicated than it is.
I've imagined sleeping with you so many times...
but somehow...
Then think about something that turns you on.
What are you thinking about?
A phat slimy frog.
Can you two try not saying anything?
You're a little too heavy.
OK, turn on the camera.
Give it to me.
Do you feel me? - I feel you, this is so sexy.
Just do it.
I can't.
Have you ever noticed...
that all your names begin with "M"?
Martha started with "M" too.
Really weird, huh?
Hey, what's the big idea?
How does it feel?
It sucks.
Georgi, what's all this?
You've speeded through every radar in town.
I've got a fast car.
How would it look if I drove like a dead snail?
Are you really as stupid as you look?
The Corvette is mine.
You're 10 installments behind, tickets out your ears.
I bet you don't even drive anywhere.
Oh yeah, well that's a dirty lie.
Where do you drive when you're out driving?
Places, y'know. Appointments.
Yesterday I bought me this jacket.
With fringe. Killer, huh?
Jacqueline says I look like a young Johnny Winter.
That's not the problem, Georgi. You're a sweetie,
but you gotta learn to manage your money.
Last chance: drive to the house...
where they're shooting and get that treasure trove.
You're the producer, think of your image.
You can do it.
Sometimes, Georgi, sometimes everything works out in the end.
I behaved like a total jerk,
and I swear I didn't want to ruin everything.
I'm really sorry that we lost a whole day because of me...
Do you have my Kajal?
And now what?
I dunno, we have to try a different approach,
totally different.
I think I know how.
Is anybody scared to do this?
Yeah, me.
OK, but why if we all want it?
I'm not completely sure, inside.
Then why are you here?
Not because of the sex. - Then what?
Because of the money.
It's for the money, so...
if we fuck, we get money; if not, nothing.
So you're saying, we have to think differently...
and say, "Money equals fucking," is that it?
If money equals fucking, then we just fuck.
No more thinking. We do it and get paid.
We have to get out of this thinking mode...
and into the action mode instead.
That's what I think.
I don't see what the problem is.
You're making things more complicated than they are.
It's so strange, if you say it's no problem for you,
I can totally see doing it with you.
I mean doing this with you.
Because it's like...
you're scared the other person might have a problem with it...
and you become the problem yourself.
Take dogs, for instance, with them it happens twice a year:
in the spring and in the fall it's mating season.
The dog knows he's got a job to do and that's that.
And that's why it's so hard to shoot doggie porn,
they're only horny twice a year.
On the contrary, doggie porn would be easier...
because you know come spring, come fall,
when it's time to do it, they can do it.
I think it makes a difference...
if you're an animal or a human being.
Humans think about their drives constantly and animals don't.
I wish I could turn off my brain for once and just go all out.
You mean with a woman?
If one person is having fun,
if he's totally into it and he completely lets go,
the whole group starts to believe in it too.
An awesome feeling. - And that can be...
so intense you forget everything.
Look, what are we fighting against here?
We all want it more or less, right?
Yeah. Well, yeah.
Yes. Yes we do.
We just have to get rid of the "more or less," right?
In other words, our problem is that we're humans...
and not primitive animals and we're uptight about fucking.
What we yearn for is a state...
where we don't care. Back to a...
primordial herd-fuck state, the sexual primal soup.
Look, if we could just forget everything,
and regress to a primitive animalistic...
throbbing mass of bodies...
I'm not filming.
Why are you doing this, huh?
Why are you fucking him?
Do you need it?
I thought you liked women.
What's your problem?
Everyone just slept with everyone.
But that was for the movie. I thought that was something special.
You want me to film you?
This is what we all yearn for,
the primal state where nothing matters.
And nothing matters. You said so yourself.
Stop it, Max, get lost.
Shut up, I'm not talking to you.
OK, then fuck. I'll get it on film and we'll sell it.
We won't get rich, but we had fun.
Go on, go ahead and fuck.
What don't you understand? That we're fucking without you?
That we didn't ask your permission?
What's wrong?
Move in with us so you can cook for him.
Stop it, OK.
We can go shopping again like a family.
Stop it, you idiot.
Johann doesn't really mean anything to me.
Oh yeah?
And if he did, would that be so bad?
I'm in love with you.
Come on, you don't believe that yourself.
Seeing you two was too much for me...
You were too much for me.
I fished it out.
Come back you little chicken shit.
I can't understand you.
This can't be happening.
Don't scream at me.
That son of a bitch.
You're not getting anything from me.
Who's she talking to? - Listen,
we've got a minor crisis...
Don't tell me to listen, you listen to me,
I've had it up to here with your crisises.
I'm coming by to look at the tapes.
Calm down, George. Calm down.
I'm the producer and I want a screening.
It's bad timing.
Bad timing?
You know what I'm doing with your bad timing?
Look. You see this?
Is he dangerous?
I have no idea.
I'll blow your bad timing out your ears.
Beaver Ranch
Please, please no.
This can't be happening.
From da front... - Swallow it-da back...
Da front... - Da back...
Swallow it swallow it...
swallow it swallow it...
...da da da torch.
Swallow da torch oh yeah.
This isn't happening.
What am I gonna tell Harry?
What am I gonna tell Harry?
Sorry about the movie.
What movie?
And about Mara too.
Yeah, alright already.
Hey Mao,
I realized something else.
Oh yeah?
There really are cheetahs.
I saw it too.
What does Mao do for a living anyway?
'Cause she's spending a few days vacation at home.
She just said they wanted to relax...
and then study for an exam.
Hope we don't disturb their study session.
Don't worry, I get along with young people.
Johann, I was thinking...
Max, back off, OK.
For once just leave me alone.
I don't care how many cheetahs you guys see.
OK, it's all the same to me.
It's just too bad we blew our chance.
Yeah, no kite surfing in Mallorca...
No, I mean the movie itself.
Lots of people have made porn flicks,
but there are lots more who haven't.
Did you want to show it to your grandchildren?
See what a stud grandpa was?
But look, that's not grandma.
No, I'm serious, Max.
You and I are two vain peacocks coming home empty-handed.
When the peacock spreads its tail, the asshole comes out.
Once an asshole, always an asshole.
The porn industry reflects our neoliberal...
Do you two mind shutting up for once?
Just until we get home, OK?
Don't you understand?
It was a '68 Corvette...
with more extras than you can imagine.
You'd never see them on a factory model.
Tires out to here,
a heated driver's seat...
Let's go.
My kidneys get cold really easily, y'know?
double shock absorbers.
And I tell you it purred...
like a Keith Richards solo.
Then it was high time.
What do you mean by that?
C'mon, get in.
It's not funny.
Some things you don't joke about, OK?
But Johann, I'm totally convinced...
I don't care how many pigs you see.
I told you guys to shut up.
No way. Hey, what about me?
No way.
The 6 is gone. - We could take a train.
You got money?
No. - Six.
Me either.
We could hitchhike.
It's your turn.
Six, six, six... - No.
Nobody's ever stopped to give me ride.
Screw you.
I'll explain it once more, OK? Nice and slow.
I always say, "Don't think small, think tall. "
You gotta think big.
Small investments don't pay off. You're always the idiot.
Are you saying I'm an idiot?
No, I mean in general,
you're always an idiot if you think small.
So you did call me an idiot?
No, you're not listening.
You're right, I am an idiot.
You're not an idiot.
Yes sir, I'm a complete idiot.
You're not a complete idiot, OK?
A regular idiot.
Not a regular idiot, you're not an idiot at all.
What an idiot.
Good morning.
Are you folks done?
I'm George, I'm the producer.
Good morning, Pusterhofer. - Morning.
I own the Beaver Ranch. Meet Glory and Bessie...
Say hello.
Last night while I was walking I had a great idea.
Key word: alternative healing.
No matter what,
people are always going to be sick.
Sick people are the biggest target group.
And those are precisely the people...
my commercial is aimed at.
Think: Kirk, Uhura, Spock,
the Vulcan greeting: "Live long and prosper. "
Did someone just stop?
No idea.
All is quiet in tense anticipation.
A huge audience stares up at an empty balcony.
Out comes Spock.
He gazes out at a crowd of Earthlings...
in the middle of the 21 st century. He gives the Vulcan greeting,
turns to the crowd and speaks:
"Chi gong and prosper. "
The crowd cheers and applauds wildly.
I mean, it's absolutely brilliant. Or think: retro.
"Play Pong and prosper. "
Or once cannabis gets legalized, how about this:
"Give bong and prosper. "
It's brilliant, isn't it?
Translation: Kimi Lum
Na Cha The Great
Na Tum Jaano Na Hum
Na samote u lesa
Nabi CD1
Nabi CD2
Nacktschnecken 2004
Nada Mas
Naissance de lAmour La
Naked 2002
Naked Ambition CD1
Naked Ambition CD2
Naked Gun 33x3 - The Final Insult
Naked Gun The - From the Files of Police Squad
Naked Jungle The (1954)
Naked Killer
Naked Lunch 1991
Naked Weapon CD1
Naked Weapon CD2
Naken 2000
Name Of The Rose The CD1
Name Of The Rose The CD2
Nameless - Los sin nombre
Namnam buknyeo (2003) - Love Impossible
Nan bei zui quan
Nanguo zaijan nanguo - Goodbye South Goodbye
Napoleon Dynamite
Narayama Bushiko - Ballad of Narayama
Nashan naren nagou (1999) - Postmen in the Mountains
Nashville 1975 CD1
Nashville 1975 CD2
Nashville 1975 CD3
Nathalie X
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation
National Lampoons Christmas Vacation 2
National Lampoons Vacation 1983
National Security
National Treasure CD1
National Treasure CD2
Nattens Engel 1998
Natural Born Killers
Natural City
Nausicaa of the valley of Wind CD1
Nausicaa of the valley of Wind CD2
Navigators The
Navigators The 2001
Near Dark
Ned Kelly (2003)
Needing You
Negotiator The CD1 1998
Negotiator The CD2 1998
Nell (1994)
Nelly and Monsieur Arnaud
Nest The 2002
Net The
Network 1976
Never Die Alone 2004
Neverending Story
New Alcatraz
New Guy The 2002
New Nightmare
New Police Story CD1
New Police Story CD2
New York Stories
Next Friday
Next Karate Kid The (1994)
Ni Liv (Nine Lives)
Nicholas Nickleby (2002).CD1
Nicholas Nickleby (2002).CD2
Nick of time
Nicotina 2003
Night At The Opera A 1935
Night Flier
Night Wish - End of Innocence CD1
Night Wish - End of Innocence CD2
Night and Fog
Night and the City 1950
Night at the Roxbury A
Night of the Demon (1957)
Night of the Generals The CD1
Night of the Generals The CD2
Nightbreed 1990
Nightmare (2000 Korean)
Nightmare Before Christmas The
Nightmare Before Christmas The - Special Edition
Nightmare City
Nightmare On Elm Street 3 A - Dream Warriors 1987
Nightmare On Elm Street 6 A (1991) Freddys Dead
Nightmare on Elm Street 3 A - Dream Warriors
Nightwish - End Of Innocence
Nightwish - From Wishes to Eternity
Nikos the impaler
Ninas Tragedies 2003
Nine Half Weeks
Nine Lives (2004 I)
Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat The
Nine Months
Nine Queens
Nineteen Eighty Four - 1984
Ningen Gokaku (Kiyoshi Kurosawa 1998]
Ninja Scroll
Ninth Gate The (2000)
Nip Tuck 1x01
Nip Tuck 1x02
Nip Tuck 1x03
Nip Tuck 1x04
Nip Tuck 1x05
Nip Tuck 1x06
Nip Tuck 1x07
Nip Tuck 1x08
Nip Tuck 1x09
Nip Tuck 1x10
Nip Tuck 1x11
Nip Tuck 1x12
Nip Tuck 1x13
Nirvana 1997
Nixon CD1
Nixon CD2
No 3 Limited
No Blood No Tears 2002 CD1
No Blood No Tears 2002 CD2
No End 1985
No Good Deed 2002
No Mans Land
No Mans Land 2001 Limited
No News From God
No Way Back
No way out
Noam Chomsky Distorted Morality (2003)
Nobody Someday
Nobodys Fool 1994
Nocturne (1980 I)
Noi The Albino 2003
Noises Off 1992
Nomads 1986
Non ti muovere
Norma Rae
Normais Os 2003
North Sea Hijack 1980
North Shore
North To Alaska CD1
North To Alaska CD2
North by Northwest (1959)
Nos Miran
Nosferatu eine Symphonie des Grauens
Nostalghia (Tarkovsky 1983)
Not One Less CD1
Not One Less CD2
Not another teen movie
Notebook The CD1
Notebook The CD2
Nothing Hill Collectors Edition
Nothing to loose
Notorious (Hitchcock 1946)
Notre dame de Paris CD1
Notre dame de Paris CD2
Notting Hill
Notting Hill (Collectors Edition)
Notting Hill - Ultimate Edition
Novo 2002
Now Or Never 2003
Now Voyager
Nowhere To Run
Nowhere to Hide
Nude for Satan (Luigi Batzella 1974)
Nurse Betty
Nutty Professor 2 - The Klumps (Uncensored Directors Cut)
Nutty professor The (1963) Jerry Lewis
Nynke 2001