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How to Beat the High Cost of Living

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And so it's 6:59 on a beautiful morning here in Eugene.
We pause for a moment to bring you...
the latest national news.
Good news again for the nation's housewives.
The government announced this morning...
that the cost-of-living index...
rose only 1.2% in the month of August.
Dr. Fenton Cooper, one of President Carter's...
leading economists, vacationing in Bermuda...
stated that if this trend continues...
we may see inflation held to less than 18% this year.
18%. Fenton, that is wonderful news.
Now I know I can go to the Safeway in January...
and still get bread for under $5.00 a loaf.
On Wall Street, the stock market is down six points in...
Come on, honey. Time to get up.
How do you feel?
Like this.
Robert, I've got something really dumb to tell you.
Do you know for the first time...
since I've had Laurie and Billy, I'm late.
So am I. It's almost 7:00.
- Robert? - Yes.
Do you love me?
No, Jane, I don't love you.
I love your car, and I love your garage...
and I love going to sleep here three nights a week...
because we can't afford a motel.
- Baby-sitter. - That, too.
Because your children might go bananas...
if they were to wake up in the middle of the night...
and see their divorced mommy...
lying in bed with some lovable stranger...
they've been calling "Uncle Robert" for two years.
Robert, I hate to be pushy first thing in the morning...
but we've got to get married.
We'll get married as soon as Old Man Wheeler retires...
and makes me manager of the store.
You've been telling me that for nearly a year.
It's not fair. I love you.
Don't bother, Charlotte, I'll find him.
Can't you redeposit the check?
It's already been returned twice, Mrs. Bailey.
I have to talk to you.
First take off your clothes and hop on the table.
Albert, this is your wife, not your nurse.
You'd think after being married for nine years...
to the funniest vet in southern Oregon...
you'd have developed a sense of humor.
Oh, Jesus. Jesus, you taste good!
Why do you always taste so good?
It's those damn mints you carry in your purse.
Lock the door and we'll turn your unexpected visit...
into an X-rated commercial for Certs.
Albert, I haven't even had breakfast yet.
Stop licking my face, you dumb dog.
God, even the animals here are oversexed.
Yeah, they are.
Remember, Louise, a good man is hard to find...
and a hard man is good to find.
Albert, I need $1,000.
I wrote some checks for merchandise yesterday.
Yes! Ye Olde Antique Shoppe!
When is that silly store going to show a profit?
This year, I promise.
That's what you said last year.
Just write me a check.
We're being audited by the IRS. You know that.
The accountant says no more checks for two weeks.
Screw the accountant!
Not my type.
Albert, you're a doctor.
You must have cash hidden somewhere.
I did. Remember? I gave it to you last month.
- Lent. - Gave.
Isn't it about time you admitted it?
Admitted what?
You're a terrible businesswoman.
Albert, I need $1,000.
Please don't make me beg for it.
We'll talk about it tonight after dinner...
over a bottle of Dom Perignon, under the covers.
You don't have to get me drunk to sleep with you.
I love sleeping with you.
It might be the only thing we have in common.
No, Louise, we have something else in common... money.
My ability to make it and yours to spend it.
You are without a doubt the perfect example...
of the half-liberated American woman of the Seventies...
"I want to do my own thing as long as my husband pays for it."
Albert, I am not a perfect example of anything.
I am also not the Barbie doll you think you married.
I'm a grown-up human being wife...
and I deserve to be treated like one.
Do you understand?
Quit stalling. Let's do it.
Jesus, I love it when you talk French.
Elaine? This is Natalie Pokempher.
We're doing a show...
for the first anniversary of the Valley River Center...
and I need you to help out backstage.
You're just so organized.
I absolutely won't take no for an answer.
Think about it, OK? Good-bye.
Hi, honey. This is me.
Look, don't bother to make dinner tonight.
I won't be home.
Elaine, this is...
Look, it's nothing you've done, but...
It is so something you've done, you selfish bitch!
You never cared for or appreciated Millard.
Susan, stop! Give me back the phone!
Elaine, look, please try to understand.
I know you're going to be upset for a little while...
but you're still a damn attractive woman...
and there's a lot of other fish in the ocean.
You bastard!
After he did in the checking and savings account...
he emptied all of your jewelry out of the safety deposit box...
and handed me the key.
- Is there anything left? - Yes.
There's $480 left in the Christmas Club.
I'll take it in cash.
You can't. Not until December 10th.
Oh, shit.
Elaine, he'll be back.
As soon as they run out of clean socks and underwear...
they always come back.
What makes you think I want the rotten son of a bitch back?
What do you want?
I want this lousy bank to lend me some money...
or at least extend my Mastercharge limit.
Patty, you've got to help me. I'm flat-busted broke.
The house and car payments are due on Monday.
I need money.
You know how banks operate.
They only lend money to people who don't need it.
Elaine, would you let go of my hands?
- People are staring. - I'm sorry.
Everything checks out, Dr. Travis.
In fact, by my calculations...
the United States government owes you $11.19.
You can take us out to lunch.
Except for one small item.
What's that?
The deductions you took on your wife's hobby.
My wife doesn't have a hobby.
Sure, she does. The antique thing.
Oh, yes. Ye Olde Antique Shoppe.
That's a business, Mr. Pike.
I don't think so, Dr. Travis. Let's see.
You gave Mrs. Travis a total of $36,532...
in the last three years.
He didn't give her anything. It was a business loan.
According to what I see here, not a very good one.
Unfortunately, as we look at it, Dr. Travis...
when a husband gives his wife money to start a business...
and that business doesn't show a profit...
within a reasonable time, it is not a legitimate business.
It's a business, Mr. Pike. I swear it.
Louise works 6 days a week, 15 hours a day.
This January, when she had the flu...
she went to work with a 104-degree temperature.
I'm sure. But isn't it customary...
I'll tell you.
When you built your animal hospital in...
July 11, 1968.
Good. Where did you get the money?
The bank here in town loaned me...
the initial down payment... $10,000.
Did you pay it all back?
Right on schedule. Yes, sir.
- Plus interest? - 7%.
How much interest are you charging your wife?
It's a hobby, Dr. Travis.
And that means you owe the United States government...
taxes on $36,532, plus penalties and interest.
Oh, my God.
Unless we can prove it was a legitimate business loan.
Sure. Unless you can prove otherwise... quickly.
She's ugly, Eddie.
I've seen her.
How could he? She's only 19 years old.
Forget about Sinatra...
she doesn't even remember the Beatles.
Men are fools.
I'll admit it. So maybe I was a lousy cook.
And I probably spent too much of his money on clothes.
I never really said I liked the buildings he designed.
I used to call him Frank Lloyd Wrong.
Twice last month I fell asleep when he was making love to me.
But is that any reason to leave? Nobody's perfect.
Did you love him?
Nine years ago I loved him.
I loved him when I married him.
Lately, it's been like trying to put toothpaste...
back into a tube.
I'd like him back right before dinner on Sunday.
After dinner.
Where's your baseball, buddy? You won't win...
the Little League championship without batting practice.
- Ask Mom. - The baseball broke.
- Buy him another one. - I can't afford it.
Buy it. I'll pay you back.
No pay me back. Pay me more!
I don't want to talk about this in front of the kids.
Then don't. Come on.
Tom, I need more money.
I cannot swing it on $200 a month anymore.
That's the deal we made when you left me.
That's what the court order said.
You divorced me, remember?
$200 a month four years ago has my kids drinking Kool-Aid...
instead of milk twice a day.
I don't want to hear this bullshit, Jane.
Now, I mean it. I got it rough, too.
Come on, in the backseat. Everybody.
Know how hard it is to survive...
on a high school football coach's salary?
Ask for a raise.
With a one and nine record last year?
Don't be insane.
Let Sally go to work.
- My wife already has a job. - Oh, yeah?
She takes care of me.
You're lucky I'm around to help you at all.
Did you hear what happened to your friend Elaine?
Good night, Eddie.
Drive carefully, Mrs. Houghton.
Oh, perfect!
Good evening.
Good evening.
How would you like to tell me one I've never heard before?
Bionic Man can't get it down.
Want to step out of the car, please, ma'am?
You've heard it before.
How many drinks you have this evening, ma'am?
What makes you think I've been drinking, officer?
Do you have your license with you?
It's in my wallet.
You want to get it for me, please?
Take it out for me, please.
Mrs. Houghton, is this your present address...
this 17 Willowbrook Lane? Is that it?
Mrs. Houghton, are you aware that you ran a stop sign...
back there on Main Street?
Are you going to give me a ticket?
First I'm gonna ask you to do a little test.
A test?
I'm gonna ask you to blow up a balloon.
I really don't want to blow up any balloons.
The party's over.
What's your name?
Your name.
John Heintzel.
And what do your friends call you?
Jack, I really want to have a cup of coffee...
with someone I can talk to.
What do you want to do?
I could use a cup of coffee.
Why don't I follow you to your place?
No. That's no good.
- What? - My wife is there.
You're married?
Yeah. Isn't everybody?
No, some people are single...
some people are separated...
some people are just damned abandoned!
So why don't you get back into your car...
and go home where you belong!
You mind keeping your voice down?
You goddamn son of a bitch!
Lousy cheating son of a bitch!
Listen to me!
If you swing that purse one more time...
I'll put you under arrest. Understand that?
Arrest me. I want you to arrest me.
Because when you arrest me...
I'm entitled to one phone call...
and you know who that call's gonna be to, don't you?
Don't you?
Mrs. Houghton, you have a good evening, OK?
In the future, I want you to drive a little more carefully.
Good night.
My God, so soon.
Would you like some coffee?
Thank you.
It's 25 cents.
How's business?
Got 39 cents for his Right Guard deodorant.
Have you seen a lawyer yet?
- Saw a lawyer. - What'd he say?
You want the details or just the bottom line?
Can you sell the house?
Community property. The same with the car.
Would you like some more coffee?
Sure. Thank you.
Can you borrow against Millard's life insurance?
Not without his signature.
Can you attach Millard's salary?
Millard doesn't get a salary.
He gets a commission on every building he designs.
You're getting rid of it. I'm glad.
What can you do?
I can move into his apartment.
Millard has an apartment?
No, the lawyer. He made me an offer.
What did you say?
He's kind of cute, so I said yes...
until I realized he meant as his maid.
- Help is hard to get. - I know.
Elaine, don't give up. Remember...
Eugene High knows how to fight!
Even if it takes all night!
Come on, Louise, you remember.
We'll scratch, we'll bite, till we knock 'em out of sight!
Yay, team!
No wonder we never won a game.
- We still haven't. - Oh, God.
What the hell was that?
I'm sorry!
Save the fish!
- Hello, Natalie. - Come on, little one!
Elaine, I dropped by to see if you'd changed your mind...
about helping us with the anniversary show.
And I found this. How much?
You don't really want that, Natalie.
I need it for protection.
Every week I drive home from art school...
and this big oversexed animal follows me in his car.
Last night he almost caught me.
What would you do if you were me?
Drive slower.
I got four of them. Anybody else?
I got one.
Elaine, how about the anniversary pageant?
We're all meeting at my house Monday morning.
I'll call you, Natalie. I promise.
I'll give you 10 bucks for this racquet, Elaine.
It's a deal, Jerry.
Say, did Millard have any balls?
I can't. It's too easy.
Next to the freezer, the yellow can.
All you can find go with the racquet, OK?
What is it, a ball filled with real money?
It says, "The entire gross of the first day...
"of the anniversary sale here at Valley River Shopping Center...
"is going to be put inside...
"and the person who guesses closest to the amount...
"will win a two-week, all expenses paid trip...
"to Hawaii for the entire family."
Gosh, if I entered that contest...
and I won 41/8 round-trip tickets to Hawaii...
and I cashed it in, I'd have nearly $2,000.
Why don't we become hookers and rent a motel room?
We'd starve to death.
There's 12,000 college girls in this town giving it away.
You're right. We could kidnap Natalie...
and her husband would pay us 100,000 not to send her back.
That's a good idea.
My treat.
Thank you.
Thank you, Louise.
I don't know.
There's just gotta be some way we can make money.
We could make porno flicks and wear masks.
No, Robert and I got bombed out one night...
and put "I love you" on my ankle.
We'll wear masks, you wear socks.
Come on, let's get out of here.
What do you think about a doggie bag for the butter?
Hell with it.
No, Albert, I'm not in the mood.
When will you be in the mood?
Probably not for a long time.
I'm very depressed.
Albert, I think I'm going to lose the store.
Louise, I swear to you, there is no money.
If you only knew what is going on in that hospital.
It's not only the IRS.
I'm in deep financial trouble.
I need you to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me...
to reassure me that everything isn't as hopeless as it looks.
The only thing that's hopeless, Albert...
is that you're horny 24 hours day.
Really, Louise?
Prices aren't just going sky high...
at gasoline stations and supermarkets.
The cost of medicine has tripled in the last five years.
Do you know what I did today, Louise?
I sold a used flea collar to a cocker spaniel.
And tomorrow I may remove a cat's appendix...
whether he wants me to remove it or not.
Why? Because I need the money.
No, baby, I'm not horny, I'm scared.
I'm scared of what I'm turning into.
I need the touch of the woman I love...
to make me feel clean and decent again.
Albert, you're so full of shit.
But I love you.
Come here.
Who could that be?
If we turn out the light, maybe they'll go away.
No, Albert, I better get it.
Before you answer the door, Louise...
there's something I forgot to tell you.
- Yes? - Mrs. Louise Travis?
- That's me. - Here.
- What's this? - It's a summons.
- For what? - I think you're being sued.
- By whom? - Your husband.
I thought you said you wanted to have a family.
I didn't figure it would be so soon.
God, if only I had $25,000...
I could buy Old Man Wheeler out myself.
That's all he wants... 25,000.
That could be our store.
It's all my father's fault.
I could kill him for what he did in World War II!
Max, the ex-Marine?
I thought he was a big hero...
helped beat the bad guys single-handedly.
That's what he did wrong. If we lost the dumb war...
then the Japanese and Germans could've lent us 600 billion...
to rebuild our economy the way we lent it to them.
That way, we would have the Sonys...
we would have the Toyotas and the Mercedes...
and they could have DC-10s and Edsels and Lawrence Welk.
How much money did you say you needed?
You have $24,750 in the bank?
I've got $57 in the bank.
I need $250 for you.
What for?
Why didn't you tell me you were gonna sue me?
I was going to tell you.
I was about to when the doorbell rang.
I'm sorry, baby, but I had no choice.
Don't be angry at me, Louise.
How dare you apologize when you're taking me to court!
What do you want me to do?
Jump up and down, scream, yell!
Would that make you feel better?
Yes! I hate punching a coward!
Louise, they say the 36,000 I loaned you...
Gave me, Albert.
How many times do I have to tell you?
- Loaned you! - Gave me!
- Loaned! - Gave!
Louise, stop it!
It's not me. It's the rotten government.
If I don't sue you, they're going to nail me...
for thousands of dollars in taxes I don't have.
- I love you. - You love me?
Yes! And I know how you must feel.
But try not to take it personally.
It's only business. Can't you understand that?
Of course I understand that.
And this is only personal!
Next time you want to go into business with me...
just knock on the door to the den...
because that's where I'll be living.
You're making too much out of this.
It's all very simple.
I sue you, you go bankrupt, we're even.
Even? We're even, Albert?
You put me out of business with a bankruptcy sign...
in a window of my store for everybody to see...
and we're even?
No, Albert. We'll never be even.
Louise! Remember what Lincoln said.
"A house divided against itself cannot long stand."
He also said...
"You can fool some of the people some of the time...
"but you can't fool all of the people all of the time."
He also said...
"With malice toward none and charity to all."
The last thing he said was...
"Honey, I've got two great seats for the theater tonight."
Why did I bring up Lincoln?
Come back! I love you!
Kiss my ass!
Right! I want to make up!
How you doing, Mrs. Houghton?
- Hi, Mike. - Fill 'er up?
Jesus! Nine cents more from last week?
That's incredible!
Well, it's not us. It's the Arabs.
I'm still making the same amount of money...
on a gallon of gasoline as I did in 1958.
You must have made a bundle in '58.
I'll switch to regular.
I'm sorry, ma'am, you can't do that.
Your car takes lead-free.
The regular gas... the nozzle's too big.
It won't fit in your tank.
Shove it in. Use Vaseline if you have to.
The idea is to keep your car free from pollutants.
Sorry, Mrs. Houghton, but your card's been canceled.
Yeah. It's in the new book.
Here, let me...
Can't let you have it. It's a $25 reward.
Mike, did I mention that my husband's out of town?
I heard he ran away with his secretary.
You know what that does to a woman's confidence?
No. But it sure does lousy things to her credit.
A girl needs a strong, virile man...
to help her get back into the swing, you know?
Mrs. Houghton, I have no respect for a woman...
who does it for money, let alone gasoline.
- How much do I owe you? - 73 cents.
I'll write you a check.
I don't believe it!
Mom threw you out and moved a friend in?
This afternoon. 1320 hours.
What's his name?
His name?
His name is Shirley.
Shirley Levine. That's right.
Your mother, age 64, has joined...
the Sun City Gay Liberation movement.
But that's impossible.
All I ever remember Mom telling me...
was how much she loved you...
and that she would never look at another man.
Of course, she never did mention another woman.
What about you, Dad?
Have you always been faithful?
Oh, baby.
Semper Fidelis. "Ever Faithful."
In the Marines or the bedroom. 36 years.
Where can I bunk till this crazy broad...
decides to go straight again?
I know, Dad.
There's a lovely Holiday Inn right around the corner.
Honey, come on, now.
Give the old sarge a second choice.
Maybe you could stay here with me and the kids.
That's a great idea. I'd be like a father.
I'll teach them everything I know.
What's the battle plan?
Remember that old couch from Camp Pendleton...
you gave me and Tom when we got married?
It's still in the den.
Pendleton! Yeah. Oh, do I remember that.
Where are the blankets and sheets?
Hall closet, top shelf.
Hall closet, top shelf! Aye, aye, captain!
Hey... don't look so worried.
It'll only be a little while.
I'll stay out of your way.
You won't even know I'm here.
I'll keep my mouth shut.
OK, Dad.
Hi, Fred.
Is there something I can help you with?
Wait. Don't tell me.
It's Aggie's birthday this Sunday, isn't it?
I have to take these from you, Mrs. Travis.
You can't take anything. You have to pay for it.
This is an authentic 19th Century English jailer's ring.
I got another one around here somewhere.
Sorry, Louise.
"By order of the Ninth District Municipal Court...
"of Eugene, Oregon...
"no business transactions can occur...
"on the premises known as Ye Olde Antique Shoppe...
"until such time as the case of...
"Travis vs. Travis is adjudicated.
"Signed, Judge Towers."
I'm sorry, Louise.
This court order says I have to take the keys to the store.
I'm locking the front door until further notice.
Hi, Mom.
Don't "Hi, Mom" me. What are you doing here?
It's 4:30! You're supposed to be at the dentist.
- I went already. - Don't give me that.
I'm not having my kid grow up with crooked teeth...
because of a little pain when his retainer is tightened.
That's my pitching arm!
Get on your bike and go to the dentist!
I can't!
I'll take you, you little coward.
I'm not a coward! Here.
The dentist told me to give you that.
He said not to come back till you pay the bill.
Damn, I'm out of gas!
Automobile Club.
I'm sorry, but all our agents are busy.
Please stay on the line...
and enjoy highlights from "Oklahoma!"
Jesus Christ! Come on!
Hello, Louise.
I know what you said on the phone, Elaine...
but it won't work.
We make it work. What choice do we have?
We have a choice.
We can all go back home now and go to sleep.
I don't know if it can be done in seven days.
This thing has to be carefully thought out.
What have we got to lose?
The worst that can happen is we'll go to jail.
Yes, Jane. For a very long time.
Here it is... bottom line.
In seven days, we've got to figure out...
how to get to the Money Ball, how to get into it...
how to get the money out of it...
and how to get away without being caught.
Come on, Louise, think.
There's got to be some way to get to that money.
Only one way... from underneath.
We'd have to dig a tunnel from the river to under here.
Once we got here, we'd have to figure out a way...
to cut a hole through the floor and get the money out of it.
God, it's going to be tough.
Let's take a walk, OK?
Why are you being so negative, Louise?
I'm not being negative. I'm being realistic.
One... how do we do it?
We've got to plan this out, step by step.
Two... if there is a way, can we do it?
Are we gutty enough to do it?
If men are gutty enough to do it...
Men are gutty enough in the movies, Elaine.
Where in real life did you see, hear, or read...
about anybody getting away with it?
The Brinks robbery, Miami Beach.
Boston. And once they caught one of them...
he confessed in five minutes.
The other seven are doing ten years to life.
It'll be tough.
I'll be in charge of phase one of the operation...
the planning.
Elaine, you be in charge of phase two... execution.
If we ever get that far.
What should I do?
Besides getting knocked up, what's your specialty?
I am an expert in one area.
I don't know if it'll do us any good...
but you never know, with the river nearby.
What's that?
I can row a canoe. That is my specialty.
I was canoe counselor at camp.
Really! We used to get into canoes at night...
and sing old Indian songs.
Oh, the moon shines on the pretty red wing
The breeze is sighing
The redbird's cry...
I canoe better than I sing.
I mean, there it was.
Is that incredible?
Wait a minute, Elaine. Say that again.
We don't have to dig a tunnel?
I just found Millard's plans for the shopping center
And guess what? They dug one for us.
I know.
Operator, if he's not at the Howard Johnson's in Omaha...
try the one in San Diego...
and if he's not there, try the one in Denver.
Millard loves their ice cream.
Thank you.
Richard, you're his partner. Where'd he go?
I wish I knew.
That son of a bitch still owes me $20...
from the Oregon State-S.C. Game last Saturday.
And what brings you here?
The truth?
I'm trying to get this drawer unlocked.
Millard always kept dimes for the parking meter.
Elaine, what's really in that drawer?
I don't know. But it's locked...
so it must be something interesting.
Yeah? Let me try.
This is the conveyor belt.
The garbage runs along the conveyer belt.
It goes all the way behind the stores...
down here to the river, where it's picked up by a barge.
This is the tunnel. It goes all the way to there.
This is gonna be scary.
I've never stolen anything in my entire life.
You stole my notes for the Latin final.
It doesn't count. I got a "D" on that.
Jane, this time, We've got to get an "A."
All right? An "A."
You realize we're talking about nearly a million dollars?
Look. Here's the Money Ball...
right above the central air conditioning unit.
That's the closest store there.
I wonder what it is.
I don't know, but I'll sure find out tomorrow.
I'll just throw these away.
Are you crazy? Give them to his little brother.
The little bummer's got two different-size feet.
The left one's a whole size bigger than the right.
Must be inherited.
Did you see his mother's boobs?
I can't wait for you to meet everybody.
We are doing the entire history of Oregon in one hour.
I can do it in 15 minutes.
Step, touch, step together.
Dancing arms, step together. Step, turn, step...
Hi, everybody.
My friend Elaine Houghton.
We work very well together.
- This is Tim Lundy. - How do you do?
He represents the owners of shopping mall.
This is the stage manager of the entire production... Aaron.
- Hello, Aaron. - Leon.
That's what I said... Leon.
Won't you sit down, Mrs. Houghton?
Thank you.
Step, turn... Come on, ladies, three lines.
Hold it. Three tight lines.
From the top. 5, 6, 7, 8...
And then we go to the big Indian scene...
where they break the treaty.
They break the treaty?
Followed by the Indian Wars, then the Civil War...
followed quickly by the Spanish-American War...
World War I and World War II...
and then the Rose Bowl Game of 1959...
where we beat Michigan in the last seven seconds.
Our finest moment.
Will you get that goddamn piano into that pit...
and plug in the goddamn guitar!
Batter up!
Hi, Grandpa.
Shut up and hit.
The major lights are fused to the master fuse box.
That means the overhead theater lights...
the mall, and the Money Ball.
I can plunge the entire shopping center...
into total darkness with one flip of the switch.
Attaboy, Billy! Two more runs batted in!
Now all we have to do is figure out...
how to get the money out of the Money Ball.
Stop at third, you dummy!
You're out!
No way! I slid under the tag.
You blind son of a bitch!
He tagged him in the thigh, you freaking idiot!
I saw "Bad News Bears."
I thought that was the way the kids talked.
Nobody calls my son out when he has only one more home run...
to win for the League Championship!
Do you understand me, old fart? Do you?
I have been wanting to do this for the past five years.
That's for touching an umpire!
And that's for leaving my daughter!
And that's for making me lose my temper...
in front of these sweet kids, you chickenshit wimp!
How much did you say you needed for Robert?
Plus a down payment for an apartment...
in Sun City for Max Hitler.
10,000 more. $35,000.
36. You'll need 1,000 for Tom's bridge work.
He'll definitely sue.
Phase 2 is now in effect.
Now that it's physically possible for us to be thieves...
we got to find out if it's psychologically possible.
- You first, Jane. - Me?
"Stick up a Safeway alone"?
Why not? Everybody knows me.
The checkers, the managers...
even the box boys wave at me when I come in.
"Here comes the old coupon queen again!"
I meant the one in Medford.
Don't say anything. Just point.
Is that real?
No. It's a model Millard made 15 years ago...
when he was an Eagle Scout.
With a real gun, you do 5 to 10.
With that one, 1 to 5.
Thanks, Elaine.
The least you could do is say you're sorry.
It's been 15 minutes. I told her get a few things.
What the hell is keeping her?
Steak, 8.95. Nuts, 1.29.
Grape Nuts, 1.26. Cookies, 1.43.
Paper towels, 35.
Paper towels, 35.
Water pistol, 1.09.
Sausage, 2.25.
Toilet paper, 79.
Well, at least you didn't get arrested.
Not until the $285 check I wrote for the food bounces.
That was last night. I'm in charge today.
Oh, God!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm such a klutz. I don't believe it.
Here. Let me help you.
Thank you. I'm so sorry.
I don't believe this!
I'm so...
You were great with that canoe. I was surprised.
So was I. The current in that river is a bitch.
How the hell are we going to empty that big ball?
I know how to get the money out of the Money Ball.
- How? - Suck!
I know we've only got two days to go.
But I don't know why you guys are so mad at me.
You know I can't afford a baby sitter...
and Max is at a "Senior Citizens for Reagan" meeting.
Jesus, this is a royal pain in the ass.
Tonight's important.
We're testing ourselves by robbing Wheeler's...
and you bring your kids along. Can't you leave them home?
Are you serious?
The last time I left those two alone...
Billy took nude pictures of Laurie with his Polaroid...
and sent them in to Playboy Magazine.
It's dangerous.
I see. You bring them along on a robbery...
where they'll be safe. Brilliant.
We're only stealing from Robert's store.
That's right. It's family.
When did you get Robert's keys?
- Last night. - How did you do that?
They were in his pants. He wasn't.
The old back seat of the car in the garage?
No. We had to give that up since my father moved in.
- Remember Old Mill Road? - Foreplay heaven.
- Still cheaper than a motel. - More creative.
Do you want to play Evel Knievel?
You play Evel, and I'll play the motorcycle.
- Come on. - OK.
Louise, you go get the power saw.
Where's the power saw?
Over on that shelf.
We'll get the vacuum cleaner.
Where's the vacuum cleaner?
It's over there.
Get back in that car this minute!
- Jesus! - Christ!
Get down.
What do we do?
Why don't we go out the back door?
- Right. - Where's the back door?
I'll show you. This way.
Hurry up.
Hold it!
What's going on here?
This is not going to be easy to explain.
Suppose you try, little lady.
Maybe we all better give it a try.
Why don't we tell the truth?
Elaine, tell the officer the truth.
It's a game.
It's a scavenger hunt for charity.
Oh, God. Not you again.
Jack, how sweet of you to remember.
Hold it!
I haven't had a drink in a week.
I'm glad to hear that.
Maybe I don't get slugged in the head with a purse.
I've got to report this.
Jack, can't you bend the rules a little?
It's not like we were stealing.
All this stuff came from Jane's fiancÚ's hardware store.
He's the manager. Isn't that right, Jane?
Right. Absolutely.
Robert Logan. See? These are his keys.
"Wheeler's Hardware Store."
She even brought her kids.
Would anybody bring their kids to a robbery?
Jack, if you turn us in, we'll look like imbeciles.
Robert will yell at Jane.
Louise will catch hell from Albert.
And I'll... l'll...
How about you?
I don't have anybody to holler at me, not anymore.
Forget you ever saw us, OK?
I don't know about this.
I'll owe you one.
You'll owe me two.
Look, I was drunk the other night.
My husband just walked out on me.
I was crazed. I didn't know what I was saying.
I know what I'm saying now.
Ask Louise. I've known her since high school.
Do I ever go back on my word?
Does she ever go back on her word?
Thank you.
God, three martinis and it doesn't help.
I still feel like a tramp.
Did you see me practically rape that policeman?
I'm sorry about the burglar alarm.
I just panicked when I saw Billy...
That's just it, Jane. Professionals don't panic.
Cut it out, Elaine.
If there's one thing we can do without tonight...
it's your superior, bitchy attitude.
Louise, no name-calling.
I can't stand it when my friends fight.
I didn't call her a name.
- Bitch is not a name? - I said "bitchy attitude."
Don't try and apologize, I take it from where it comes.
What's really bothering you?
I'm scared.
Jane, I'm sorry.
Jesus, I don't know what's the matter with me.
Yes, I do.
I'm coming apart at the seams.
I'm a totally unloved, unglued, totally rejected basket case.
Good night.
I thought it might be you.
I just wanted to make sure you got home safely.
How's your wife?
You may not believe this...
I mean, a man of my charm and sensitivity...
but she left me.
Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
But you can come in and I'll make you one.
That's a deal.
I don't know. You put on...
your "woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" t-shirt...
and you poke away at him year after year...
needling him with a vengeance.
And then one day he trades you in...
on someone with a softer voice and skin.
So here I am, waking up alone every morning.
It's the pits, Jack. It really is.
Let's go.
The bedroom.
No. I don't think so.
Why not?
I'm not real good at explaining how I feel...
but when I saw you tonight...
my throat was dry.
I could barely breathe.
I thought you felt...
What is it you want, anyway?
A neurosurgeon or a stockbroker or something like that?
No, Jack. It has nothing to do with economics.
I'd go to bed with a garbage collector...
if he said the right thing.
All I know is that I'm crazy about you.
I would like to hold you in my arms.
I'd like to make love to you all night...
and in the morning, while you're still asleep...
I'd like to go down to the kitchen...
make the orange juice and coffee...
and bring it to you.
You said the right thing.
You won't be disappointed.
Which way?
- Not here. - Why not?
Well, a lot of neighbors wondering why...
there's a police car parked in my driveway all night.
- Smart lady. - Private one.
It's not your fault, Albert.
Two careers in a family are almost impossible...
unless the woman is in the same business as her husband...
like a doctor and his nurse.
It's not easy to be married to Louise.
When I met her in college...
a chili dog and a Coke made her happy.
Doing her own thing meant baking me...
chocolate chip cookies every Sunday morning...
after we spent Friday night and all Saturday in the sack.
You know what I used to do...
during the first years of my marriage to Conrad?
After we'd make love, I'd get out of bed...
go into the bathroom, soak a towel in warm water...
come back to bed, and wash him off.
That's the difference between a European and American woman.
You can buy chocolate chip cookies in a supermarket.
No, not like these.
She used to put nuts and raisins into them.
And now she's gone...
moved into the den forever.
Where did I go wrong?
It's not your fault, Albert.
But let's not talk about her anymore tonight.
It's taken me seven years just to get you up here.
No, don't. It wouldn't be fair to you.
I still love her.
You're a very attractive woman.
And I'm getting, I admit, very turned on,
But we'll hate ourselves in the morning.
I could never hate myself for this.
Did you really get out of bed in the middle of the night...
and get a warm, wet towel?
- Yes. - I think I'd like that.
I know you would.
But there are no wet, warm towels up on this hill.
We'll work something out, Albert.
I'm four days away from losing my job...
and you're still talking about having a baby.
Jane, I love you, but...
You're not gonna lose your job.
I'll get you the $25,000.
We're gonna get married...
Where are you gonna get that kind of money?
From my family.
Jane, your father borrowed $10 from me...
when I came to pick you up last night.
Not him. From my mother.
Your mother is living with a lady named Shirley.
They've adopted a black baby.
Last week, she hocked her wedding ring to buy a crib.
Why did this have to happen to me?
How did you get your foot caught in the glove compartment?
I don't know.
We'll have to call the damn fire department.
Forget the fire department. I need a crowbar.
A crowbar. That's a good idea.
Wait here.
Whoops. Sorry.
Excuse me, sir.
You wouldn't happen to have a crowbar?
Maybe a heavy-duty screwdriver?
Robert, is that Albert?
It can't be Albert.
I'm a vet.
If it were your dog's foot, I'd know what to do.
What would I be doing up here with a dog?
It is Albert.
That's not Louise.
Come on.
I found a vet.
Hi, Albert.
Hi, Jane.
- Oh, my God. - Is that you, Jane?
What are you doing here, Albert?
I'm trying to get your best friend's foot...
out of this glove compartment without breaking it.
I hope the two of you remember that...
the next time you see you-know-who.
- He means his wife. - Shut up, Charlotte.
It won't come out. How did you get it in there?
Look on page 62 of the Kama Sutra.
Take it easy.
- Jack? Hi. - Hi, Jane.
You know each other? How does he know your name?
Will someone please get my foot...
out of the goddamn glove compartment?
I'll get it out.
My children get in trouble every five minutes.
If you turn a little there...
That's it. Right out she comes.
- Thank you, Jane. - You're welcome, Elaine.
The drawing at the Money Ball is at 9:00.
Ten minutes later, the place is closed.
At 8:40, I have to be here in the back room at Thom McAn.
Elaine, you have to be backstage at the light switch.
And, Jane, hopefully you'll be here in the canoe.
It all has to be done with split-second timing...
because at 9:10 on the nose...
we've got to be out of there and on our way home.
- With the money. - Or the police.
Let's run it down again from the top.
Make sure we got it right.
At 5:10, wearing my black corduroy Calvin Klein jeans...
and my favorite Yves St. Laurent shirt, I leave home...
walking east on Bluebird Lane.
Where at 5:33, I pick you up with the vacuum cleaner...
in the back seat of my car.
We head for Valley River Center.
Meanwhile, at 6:15, I finish feeding the children...
I get into my car, and I head up Highway 9.
I get off at Mazda Lane. Next stop, the river.
You forgot to mention the garbage bags and canoe!
What do you think I am, stupid?
Naturally, I have the garbage bags and the canoe.
At exactly 7:10...
I put the canoe into the water and paddle south.
Elaine and I have arrived at Valley River Center at 6:05...
and parked in the northeast corner of the parking lot.
This is gonna be easy.
That's what they told Nixon.
Where I let you out of the car.
You take care of the power saw.
I'll take care of the vacuum cleaner.
- Check. - Tomorrow!
Going so early?
I thought I'd do some window shopping before the show.
Your dinner's in the oven.
You're still mad at me, aren't you?
If you're worried about eating the food, don't.
I stopped poisoning it two days ago.
The hell with the food.
Why is your half of the bed still empty at night?
Remind me to tell you about it sometime.
Not sometime. Tell me now or this marriage is over!
You walk out that door without telling me...
what the hell is going on between us...
and you won't find me here when you get back.
You really want to know?
Yes, I really want to know.
It's a long story.
I like long stories. They usually have happy endings.
All right, sit down.
I'm sitting.
- No grabbing. - Sitting. No grabbing.
I was brought up to believe women should fall in love...
with the best possible provider that they could stomach.
I was wrong. I don't want to know.
No. Let me finish.
- There you go. - Pot's right.
Possible flush. No help there.
Pair of jacks.
No help there. Jacks bet.
Billy, in bed. 9:00.
Up to you, Billy.
See you a quarter, raise you a half.
Where the hell's the damn beer?
Hold your water, old man! It's coming.
Good grief!
I'll see your quarter and raise you a dollar.
You're bluffing, asshole. You don't have jackshit.
Will you listen to my kids?
They talk like your Third Platoon.
It's better than talking like those sissies in the school...
he goes to in the neighborhood.
Roll me over in the clover
That's it! Over! The end!
I love you very much, Dad, but I'm sorry...
it's not gonna work out anymore.
What did I do? What'd I say?
Didn't I do everything I said I'd do?
Didn't I keep my mouth shut?
Wasn't I like a father? I taught him how to play poker.
Dad, you have to leave! I will find you money.
I will help you find a place to live!
I will. I promise.
I'm warning you...
if this country is ever attacked again...
and we go through lwo and Guadalcanal and Tarawa...
these kids are not going to be ready.
We'll discuss this tomorrow.
Right! Last hand of the evening.
Laurie, you get in bed!
It's OK. It's OK.
Calm down, calm down.
It's OK, kid.
Frigging electric company!
Power and Light Company.
Thank you.
My power just went out.
Could you send a repairman over here right away?
What's your name?
Mrs. Elaine Houghton.
Elaine... Houghton.
- 17 Willowbrook Lane? - Yes.
Wait a minute.
Nothing's wrong with your lights, lady.
You didn't pay your bill. $29.18.
You're kidding.
My husband just left on a hunting trip to Nigeria.
He must've forgotten to send you the check.
I'll put it in the mail tomorrow morning.
Would you please turn the lights back on?
Lady, you have to talk to the business office.
I don't have the authority.
What's the number?
953-3000, but they don't open till Monday at 9:00.
- This is an emergency. - It always is.
No. I'm serious! My mother is a very sick woman.
She's in the bedroom next to me with her kidney machine...
which runs on electricity...
which has kept her alive for seven years.
This wonderful 84-year-old woman!
What's that, Mama?
The machine isn't going "ta-pocketa ta-pocketa"?
Oh, my God!
No, I'm not talking to Oral Roberts, Mama.
It's too late for that.
But the man on the other end of the phone cares.
You do care, don't you?
You will turn the power back on, won't you?
Lady, that was beautiful. Really terrific.
I've been here seven years...
and that's the best I've heard yet.
Great performance!
But, look, all is not lost.
Thrifti-Mart is open 24 hours.
What good will that do?
They sell beautiful candles.
Want a lift?
I'm waiting for a station wagon on account of the canoe.
Do you have a spare?
I had to get rid of it to fix Billy's retainer.
And another thing, I know all about...
you and Charlotte up on the hill that night.
Nothing happened, Louise. I swear it.
Nothing at all.
Not even a little foreplay between you and Fraulein Nurse?
Nothing below the waist.
I was thinking about you all the time.
Don't look at me that way.
You have my word of honor as a doctor.
I have been completely asexual since you moved into the den.
Except for one small wet dream, which you were the star of.
- I'd like to believe that. - It's the truth.
It's also the truth that our problem is the same one...
that 9/10 of the married couples in this country are having...
and it's not sexual. It's financial.
No, it's psychological.
You all want us to remain your little girls.
The only way to do that is by controlling the purse strings.
You were happy when the IRS put the squeeze on me.
- Admit it. - I was not!
You wanted me to fail.
For Christ's sake, I love you, and you love me.
How can you let an argument over money destroy our marriage?
It's not the money I'm talking about!
It's the way you treat... Money!
Oh, my God! The money! The goddamn money!
You can't talk to them.
- How late are we? - Not bad. Less than an hour.
We have a show about it, Oregon
Things you should know about it
Here is the story in all of its glory
Your attention! Your attention, please.
If you'll come to the Money Ball in the center of the mall...
you'll witness the next Valley River Center's deposit.
We're expecting over a half million dollars, folks.
Once again, ladies and gentlemen...
the Valley River Center wants you to know...
that this is your money!
All the money that you see in this Money Ball...
will be pumped right back into your community.
That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Valley River's way to fight inflation.
Elaine, where the hell have you been?
I'm sorry I'm late, Natalie.
Late? We're just freeing the slaves.
It's 1841 already, and we're almost a state.
Oregon didn't have any slaves.
- Are you sure? - I'm positive!
It's too late now. Here.
I've been handling all your light cues for you.
Hey there. Hey.
- What are you up to? - Up to?
- I scare you? - I'm not up to anything.
Where's your friend tonight, Elaine...
Mrs. Houghton... is she coming over tonight?
She's very busy. She's in the show.
- This show here? - Yeah.
Great. Maybe I'll see her after the show.
I gotta hang around all night in case somebody gets cute...
with all that money flying around up there.
I don't think anybody would be foolish enough...
to try something like that, Officer... Heintzel.
Jack Heintzel. Remember me?
The other night, Wheeler's Hardware.
I nearly arrested you and your two friends.
I do remember that.
You should remember, you bad girl.
Well, gee... I've got to really be running.
We'll see you.
- Got you! - No, you don't.
- Kind of. - Well... Thanks.
Yeah. I'll see you later.
Damn it!
Comin' in on a wing and a prayer
Though there's one motor gone
We can still carry on
Comin' in on a wing and a prayer
Number three, ladies and gentlemen.
This is deposit number three.
Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen...
you got to keep coming.
You got to keep coming. We have one more to go.
One more deposit to go.
Don't forget, folks. You gotta keep coming...
Hurry up, Louise. We're running out of history.
The redbird's crying
As the Pawnee saw her brave a-sleeping
The redbird's weeping
We're going to build a new bowling alley...
and a new $9 million football stadium...
and put ten more beds in the old hospital.
Son of a bitch!
Oh, my God, I'm gonna be late.
Look at all of that beautiful loot...
Iook at all of those beautiful prizes...
ladies and gentlemen. It's your fortune.
Beat the high cost of living.
That's the final deposit, ladies and gentlemen.
The Money Ball is now filled.
Folks, how much money do you think is in there?
Take a free guess...
and you may be one of our lucky prize winners!
Don't forget, ladies and gentlemen...
this is the time to make your guess!
The money is all in there.
Don't forget the wonderful prizes we have.
Ladies and gentlemen...
this is a real once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Now's the time to make your guesses!
How are they going to get that money out of there?
Turn it upside down, I guess.
What the hell was that?
What was that?
Oh, my God, they didn't go out.
Wait a minute, everybody! The show isn't over yet!
What happened? The lights went out.
Just the stage lights.
Ladies and gentlemen, please, don't leave.
We have this wonderful finale for you...
children from the state orphanage...
with hope for the future.
Talk to them. I'll get us some light.
The next time we do this, we'll steal an Indian first.
Then he can do the paddling.
Did you remember the bags?
What do you think I am, stupid?
Is there anybody out there with a flashlight?
If anybody has a flashlight out there...
I'll show you what the future of this town's going to be like.
Thank you.
Here it is 1980...
and here we are...
out of work, in hock...
prices going sky high.
About the only thing we have left...
are the clothes on our backs.
And how long do you think they're gonna last?
And that was 1980.
How about 1981?
Are you ready for 1982?
Plug in the other end.
Are you ready for 1984?
That was 1984.
Do you want to see 1986...
or should we skip right to 1990?
Turn it off.
What the hell's going on up there?
You, the big, good-looking guard next to the Money Ball...
come on up here and help me.
- She meant me. - The hell she did.
- Jesus! - Look out!
The pedal's stuck!
- What do you see? - Natalie's rear end.
What happened?
I don't know. We'd better get out of here.
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Let's go.
Get in and shove us off.
We did it, Louise!
I know it! I know it!
- Louise! - The seat's wet.
Will you keep...
Louise, you never stand up in a canoe!
I can't swim!
Don't worry. I've got the money.
I said I can't sw...
Oh, my God! I'll be right there.
Louise, I'm coming.
Where the hell have you been?
I've been looking for you for hours.
Is that all you can say?
Look at me.
How much money did we get?
Two bags, but they floated away.
- The canoe overturned. - And I can't swim.
- It was Louise or the money. - So where's the money?
What was going on up there?
We've been sitting for hours trying to figure it out.
You want to know what was going on up there?
I'll show you. $21!
And that's not all.
They don't even know they were robbed.
It's bad enough we didn't get the money.
We don't even get the glory!
They think it was an accident. It's covered by insurance.
After all we went through.
After all you went through?
I exposed myself to half the men in this town...
to protect your cover, and all I get is a lousy $21!
$7.00... we divide it. That was our original agreement.
Everything we get, we divide three ways.
I'm gonna kill her. Honest to God, Jane!
You just had one lousy thing to do!
You blew it! Everybody else did their part.
You lost the goddamn money!
Shut up!
Look! The bag!
It must have gotten stuck in the bushes!
It's the money!
I thought you said you couldn't swim!
I forgot!
Jane, you go get the money. I'll save the genius.
Could we divide the money right up?
- You! Swim! Now! - I'll get the money.
Oh, my God.
Good morning.
Oh, thank God. It's only you.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
I was just in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd see how you were after last night.
I'm fine. How are you?
For a man who's taken five cold showers...
in the last 12 hours, I'm doing pretty good.
Can I come in for a minute?
A whole minute?
- Twenty. - What for?
It's about that striptease you did last night...
I didn't get to see the finish.
As a matter of fact, we never finish anything.
No. I don't think we're going to, either.
What do you mean?
I'm not really interested in spending time with someone...
who only wants to spend 20 minutes with me.
And if that's what you're looking for, Jack...
the neighborhood is filled with sexually-unfulfilled ladies.
Wait. What are you talking about?
I meant what I said the other night.
I'm crazy about you.
I want to be with you all the time.
Then my phone number is 375-1096.
Seeing as how you have a phone in your car...
it won't even cost you a dime.
Bye, Jack.
Friday night would be terrific.
8:00 is fine.
Yes. I'll dress up, too.
No, I love Chinese food.
Louise! Where are you?
I'm in the bedroom, Albert.
Oh, God, it's nice to see you back in here.
Are you planning to stay here for a little while?
It's a possibility.
I have a surprise for you in my pocket.
I've seen that surprise before.
Not this one, you haven't.
- What is it? - It's from the IRS.
I convinced them Ye Olde Antique Shoppe...
is not a hobby, it's a business.
You open that store tomorrow morning.
Albert, thank you.
Wait, wait. We have to talk first.
Talk before sex? Albert, how beautiful.
One thing.
Ye Olde Antique Shoppe has to show a profit every month.
It will. I promise it will.
Take your clothes off.
No. Ask me in French.
Deshabillez, mon cher.
I love you!
Get rid of this tie!
Pull it off!
It's true. All brides are beautiful.
Thank you.
Robert, why are you locking the door?
We're married, remember?
I know, but your little monsters are only 20 feet away.
Our little monsters.
Still, it's a lot better than my father.
Yeah. I only hope he'll be happy in his new apartment.
Yeah. I only hope that you'll be happy...
with him working at the hardware store.
- What is it? - One small question.
Yes. The doctor says as long as you're not too passionate...
we can make love through the middle of the sixth month.
And as long as I'm not too passionate...
through the middle of the seventh.
But that wasn't the question.
Baby, where did you get that money?
Oh, that. We stole it.
Louise and Elaine and I stole it from the Valley River Center.
Louise needed it for the antique store...
OK, OK, OK. But you know, someday...
you're gonna have to tell me the truth.
It feels really good.
I haven't done anything yet.
I know. It feels good not to be...
in the back seat of a car for the last two years.
Where in the hell did you get the money, Jane?
I already told you. We stole it.
Louise drilled a hole underneath the platform...
stuck a vacuum up that hole and just sucked that money out.
We took it out a conveyor belt...
by the river where I came up with a canoe.
But Louise stood up in the canoe so it sunk.
Everything was lost. Elaine was really pissed off.
Starts yelling at us, and Louise spots the money.
So we put all the money...
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