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Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 5

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'The story so far.
'In the beginning,|the Universe was created.
'This has made a lot of people|very angry
'and been widely regarded|as a bad move.
'Many races believe that it was|created by some sort of god,
'though the Jatravartid people
'of Viltvodle VI firmly believe|that the entire Universe
'was, in fact,|sneezed out of the nose
'of a being called|the Great Green Arkleseizure.
'The Jatravartids,|who live in perpetual fear
'of the time they call The Coming|of the Great White Handkerchief,
'are small blue creatures|with more than 50 arms each,
'who are therefore unique
'in being the only race in history
'to have invented the aerosol|deodorant before the wheel.
'However, the Great Green|Arkleseizure theory
'was not widely accepted
'outside Viltvodle VI,
'and so one day,|a race of hyperintelligent
'pan-dimensional beings
'built themselves a gigantic|super-computer called Deep Thought
'to calculate, once and for all,
'the answer to the ultimate question|of Life, the Universe
'and Everything.
'For seven and a half million years,
'Deep Thought computed|and eventually announced
'that the answer was, in fact, 42,
'and so another even bigger computer|had to be built
'to find out|what the actual question was.
'And this computer,|which was called the Earth,
'was so large that it was|frequently mistaken for a planet,
'particularly|by the strange, ape-like beings
'who roamed its surface
'totally unaware|that they were simply part
'of a gigantic computer program.
'This is very odd, because without|that obvious piece of knowledge,
'nothing that happened on Earth
'could possibly|make the slightest bit of sense.
'However, at the critical moment|of read-out,
'the Earth was|unexpectedly demolished
'to make way|for a new hyperspace by-pass,
'and the only native Earth people|who survived the demolition
'are now being shot at
'behind a computer bank
'on the lost planet of Magrathea,
'along with their strange companions|from Betelgeuse,
'who are currently singing|a Betelgeuse death anthem
'on the very sensible grounds|that they are about to die.
'This is what the computer bank|is about to do.
'And the time|at which it is going to do it
'is 4.2 seconds from now.'
Good evening, madam, gentlemen.
Do you have a reservation?
- Reservation?|- Yes, sir.
Do you need a reservation|for the afterlife?
The afterlife?
Is this the afterlife?
Yeah. I mean, yeah!
I mean, yeah...
There's no way we could|have survived that blast in there.
- No.|- None at all.
I certainly didn't survive.
I was a total goner!|Wham! Bam! And that was it!
Yeah, we didn't stand a chance.
We were blown to bits -|arms and legs everywhere!
Yeah! Kerpow! Splat!
Would you care to order drinks?
Instantaneously zonked|into component molecules!
Hey, Ford, did you get that thing of|your whole life flashing before you?
Yeah! Did you get that, too?
- Oh! Your whole life!|- Yeah!
At least, I assume it was mine.
I spent a lot of time|out of my skulls.
- So...|- So what?
- Here we are, lying dead...|- Standing.
- Standing dead in this desolate...|- Restaurant.
- Standing dead in this desolate...|- Five-star restaurant.
Well, yeah.
Odd, isn't it?
Nice decor, though.
You know, it's not so much|an afterlife, more sort of aprés vie.
Hey, you dead guys! We're missing|some ultra important thing here -
something somebody said|and we missed it!
- I said it was more aprés vie.|- Don't you wish you hadn't? ...Ford?
- I said it was odd.|- Shrewd but dull... . Trillian?
Er... um... pass.
Would you care to discuss|the matter over drinks?
Drinks! That was it!
You see what you miss|if you don't stay alert?
If the lady and gentlemen would like|to order drinks before dinner...
Yeah, great!
...and the Universe will explode|later for your pleasure.
Wow! What sort of drinks|do you serve in this place?
I think sir has misunderstood me.
I hope not!
It is not unusual for customers
to be disorientated|by the time journey.
- Time journey?|- What time journey?
You mean...|this isn't the afterlife?
No, sir.
Then we're not... dead?
Sir is most evidently alive,
otherwise I would not attempt|to serve, sir!
Ha, ha. Then where the photon|are we?
Hey, I've sussed it!
This must be...
Yes, this is Milliways.
The Restaurant at the End|of the Universe!
- End of what?|- The Universe.
- When did that end?|- In just a few minutes, sir.
Now, if you will order drinks,
I will show you to your table|in the main part of the restaurant.
I suppose there's no chance|of a cup of tea?
'The Restaurant at the End|of the Universe
'is one of the most|extraordinary ventures
'in the entire history of catering.
'A vast time bubble has been|projected into the far future
'to the precise moment|of the End of the Universe.
'You can arrive|without prior reservation,
'because you can book|retrospectively
'in advance, as it were,
'when you return to your own time.
'You can visit it|as many times as you like
'and be sure of never meeting|yourself
'because of the embarrassment|this usually causes.
'You just deposit one penny in|a savings account in your own era,
'and when you arrive|at the End of Time,
'the operation of compound interest
'means that the fabulous cost|of your meal has been paid for.
'... which is why|the advertising executives
'of the star system of Bastablon|came up with this slogan:
This way, please.
Wowee! Zappo!
Incredible! The people...
the things!
The things are also people.
The people? The also people?
The lights!
The food!
The clothes!
The clothes?!
Yeah, the clothes!
The End of the Universe|is very popular.
People dress up for it.|Gives it a sense of occasion.
Hey, everybody's here. You know -|everybody who was anybody!
Hi, guys! How did you do?
Hey, Zaphod! There's an old mate|of mine. Look, see!
It's Hotblack Desiato!
See the big guy in the platinum suit?
Oh, yeah.
Wow! Did he ever make it megabig.
Bigger than the biggest thing ever -|other than me.
- Who is he?|- Hotblack Desiato?
You never heard of Disaster Area?
- No.|- The biggest, loudest...
- Richest...|- Rock band in the history of...
- History itself!|- Yeah!
We're at the End of the Universe
and you haven't even lived yet!|Hey, did you miss out!
Hey, waiter, bring me volume three|of the wine list.
Hey, Hotblack!
How you doing? Great to see you,|big boy! How's the noise?
You are looking great!
Really very, very fat and unwell.|Amazing!
Remember the old days?
Wow! We used to hang out!
The Bistro Illegal, remember?
The Evildrome Boozarama?
Slim's Throat Emporium?
Great days, eh?
When we were hungry,|we'd pose as health inspectors
and confiscate meals and drinks,|and get food poisoning!
And you were up all night trying to|write songs, and we all hated them!
You didn't care, but we did|because we hated them so much.
You said you didn't want to be a star
because you despised|the star system,
and we said we didn't think you had|the option. And what do you do now?
You BUY star systems!
Here is a guy who buys star systems!
What's that number you do? That|really huge one? How does it go?
Er... da... da... da... something.
And in this stage act, it ends with|the ship crashing right into the sun
and you actually DO it!
I mean, ship... sun... bang!
I mean, forget lasers.
You guys are into solar flares|and real sunburn,
and terrible songs!
Yeah! Let's have a drink!
Kid. Beat it!
Who are you?
I'm the guy|that's telling you to beat it,
before it gets beaten for you.
Now, listen,
I am one of Hotblack's oldest friends
and I...
And I am Mr Desiato's bodyguard
and I'm responsible for his body,
and I am not responsible for yours,
so take it away|before it gets damaged!
Now, wait a minute...
No minutes.
No waiting.
Mr Desiato speaks to no one.
Well, perhaps you'd better|let him speak for himself.
He speaks to no one.
Oh, why? What's the matter with him?
'The Hitchhiker's Guide|To The Galaxy notes that:
Oh, hi, there, Ford. Did you talk|to your big-noise friend?
Hot... Hotblack?|Yeah, I sort of spoke to him, yeah.
Well, what did he say?
- Er... not a lot. He's, um...|- Yeah?
Spending a year dead|for tax reasons.
Oh, yeah? Neat!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Universe as we know it|has been in existence
for 170,000 million billion years,
and will be ending|in a little over ten minutes' time.
So, welcome one and all|to Milliways,
the Restaurant at the End|of the Universe!
I am your host for this evening,|Max Quordlepleen,
and I have come straight from|the very, very other End of Time,
where I've been hosting a show|at the Big Bang Burger Bar,
where we had a very exciting|evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and I will be with you
right through|this tremendous historic occasion -
the end of history
now, ladies and gentlemen,
take your places at the table.
The candles are lit,|the band is playing,
and as the force-shielded dome|above us slides apart
revealing a dark and sullen sky
hung with the ancient light|of livid, swollen stars,
I can see we are in for|a fabulous evening's apocalypse!
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
I'll be back again in a moment.
Would you all like to see the menu,
or would you care to meet|the dish of the day?
- Meet?|- What is it?
It's an Amiglion Major cow.|I'll bring him over.
OK, we'll meet the meat. That's cool!
Beugh... A-hem...
Good evening, madam and gentlemen,
I am the main dish of the day.
May I interest you|in parts of my body?
Oh, well.
Something off my shoulder, perhaps?
- Braised in a white wine sauce?|- Your shoulder?!
Well, naturally mine, sir.
Nobody else's is mine to offer!
The rump is very good, sir.
I have been exercising|and eating plenty of grain,
so there's a lot of good meat there.
Or a casserole of me, perhaps?
You mean this animal|actually wants us to eat it?
Me? I don't mean anything.
It's the most revolting thing
- I've ever heard!|- What's the problem?
I don't want to eat an animal|that's inviting me to!
It's better than eating an animal|that doesn't want to be eaten.
That's not the point.
Well, maybe it is the point.
I don't want to talk about it.
I'll have a green salad.
May I urge you, sir,|to consider my liver?
It must be very rich and tender|by now.
I have been force-feeding myself|for months.
Green salad, please.
A green salad!
Is there any reason|why I shouldn't have a green salad?
I know many vegetables that|are very clear on that point, sir,
which is why it was decided to cut|through the whole tangled problem
by breeding an animal|that actually wanted to be eaten
and was capable of saying so
clearly and distinctly.
And here I am!
A glass of water...?
Listen, we want to eat! We don't|want to make a meal of the issues.
- Four rare steaks, please.|- Very wise choice, sir.
I'll just nip off
and shoot meself.
Oh, God!
Don't worry, sir.
I'll be very humane.
What's eating you, Earthman?
Hello, ladies and gentlemen!
Is everybody having|one last wonderful time?
And now,
as the photon storms gather|in swirling clouds around us,
preparing to tear apart|the last of the red hot suns,
I hope you will all enjoy with me
what I know you will find|a tremendously exciting
and terminal experience.
Believe me, ladies and gentlemen,
there is nothing penultimate|about this one.
This one, ladies and gentlemen,
is the proverbial IT!
After this,
there is void,
Except of course|for the sweet trolley
and our fine selection|of Aldebran liqueurs!
And for once, ladies and gentlemen,
there is no need to worry about|having a hangover in the morning,
for there will be no more mornings!
And now, at the risk|of putting a damper
on this wonderful atmosphere|of doom and futility,
I'd like to welcome a few parties.
Now, do we have a party from the|Zansellquasure Flamarion Bridge Club
from beyond the Vortvoid of Qvarne?
Last bids now, and no cheating!
This is a very solemn moment!
And a party of minor deities
from the halls of Asgaard?
And a party of young Conservatives|from Sirius B?
This is all your fault, of course!
And lastly,|a party of devout believers
from the Church of the Second Coming
of the Great Prophet Zarquon.
Still waiting for the second coming.
Well, fellas, let's hope he hurries.|He's got eight minutes left!
But seriously, though,|no offence meant.
I know one shouldn't make fun|of deeply held beliefs,
so I think a great big hand|for the Great Prophet Zarquon...
...wherever he's got to!
It's marvellous to see|so many of you here tonight.
No, isn't it, though?
Because I know so many of you|come time and time again
to watch this final end|of everything,
and then return home|to your own eras
and raise families,
strive for new and better societies,
and fight terrible wars|for what you know is right.
It gives one real hope|for the whole future of lifekind...
except, of course,
we know it hasn't got one!
Excuse me, sir.
Who, me?
- Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox?|- Er, yeah.
There is a phone call for you, sir.
- Hey, what?|- Here?
Who knows where I am?
Maybe the Galactic Police|have traced you here.
So they can arrest me|over the phone?
Could be. I'm a pretty|dangerous dude when cornered.
Yeah, you go to pieces so fast,|people get hit by the shrapnel!
- Hey, what is this? Judgement Day?|- Is it that as well? Terrific!
Who's the cat on the phone?|Pass the wine, Ford.
I am not personally acquainted|with the metal gentleman, sir...
...but am informed|he has been awaiting your return
for a considerable number|of millennia.
You left here|somewhat precipitately.
Left here? We've only just arrived!
Indeed, sir,
but before you arrived here,|you left.
You're saying|that before we arrived here,
we left here?
That is what I said, sir.
Put your analyst|on danger money, baby!
Where exactly is here?
The planet Magrathea, sir.
But we just left there.
We're at the Restaurant at the End|of the Universe, I thought!
Precisely, sir.
The one was constructed|on the ruins of the other.
Ah, I see! So you mean we've|travelled in time but not in space?
You semi-evolved simian!|Go climb a tree!
Go bang your heads together,|four eyes!
No, no. Your monkey has got it right.
You jumped forward|many millions of years in time
whilst retaining|the same position in space.
Your friend has been awaiting you|in the meantime.
Marvin! It must be Marvin!
The paranoid android!
Space cookies! Hand me|the rap rod plate, captain!
I beg your pardon, sir?
The phone, waiter!
You guys are so unhip, it's a wonder|your bums don't fall off!
The phone, sir.
Hi, Marvin. How are you doing?
I think you ought to know
I'm feeling very depressed.
Yeah? We're having a great time -|wine, food,
and the Universe going foom!
Where are you, Marvin?
You don't have to pretend|to be interested in me, you know.
I know perfectly well|I'm only a menial robot.
Yeah, but where are you?
"Reverse primary thrust, Marvin,"
that's what they say to me.
"Open airlock number three, Marvin.
"Marvin, can you pick up|that piece of paper?"
Here I am,|brain the size of a planet,
{y:i}picking up a piece of paper!
Yeah. Marvin...
But I'm quite used|to being humiliated.
I can even go and stick my head
in a bucket of water if you like.
I mean, if that's what|you really want.
Would you like me to stick my head|in a bucket of water?
{y:i}- I've got one ready.|- Marvin, um...
What's he saying, Zaphod?
Nothing. He just phoned|to wash his head at us.
Marvin, will you please tell us|where you are!
- I'm in the car park.|- What are you doing in the car park?
Parking cars. What else|does one do in a car park?
OK, stay there.|I'll be down in a minute.
That makes two of us.
Come on, guys, let's go!|Marvin's down in the car park.
What's he doing there?
Parking cars, what else, dum-dum?|Come on, let's go!
Now, an interesting effect|to watch for
is in the upper left-hand quadrant|of the sky,
where you can see|the star system of Hastromil
boiling away into the ultraviolet.
Anyone here from Hastromil?
Well, it's too late to worry about
whether you left|the gas on at home now!
There he is! Marvin!
Hey, Marvin, kid,|are we pleased to see you!
No, you're not! No one ever is.
Suit yourself.
No, Marvin, really we are!
Hanging around waiting for us|all this time!
The first ten million years|were the worst.
And the second ten million,
they were the worst, too.
The third ten million|I didn't enjoy at all.
After that,|I went into a bit of a decline.
Poor old Marvin!
It's the people you meet in this job|who really get you down.
The best conversation I had
was over 34 million years ago.
Oh, dear.
And that was with a coffee machine.
Hey, Zaph, look at this baby.
The tangerine star buggy|with black sun busters.
Hey, get this number.
Multicluster Quark drive|with perspulax running boards!
This has got to be|a Lazlar Lyricon custom job.
I was passed by one of these mothers|out by the Axel Nebula.
I was going flat out and this thing|just strolled past me!
- It was incredible!|- Too much!
Ten seconds later
it smashed straight|into the third moon of Jaglan Beta.
Great-looking ship, though.
Looks like a fish, moves|like a fish, steers like a cow.
Yeah, that really is bad|for the eyes!
It's so black! You can hardly see it.|Light just falls into it.
Hey, feel this surface!
Yeah... Hey, you can't!
It's just totally frictionless!
This must be one mother of a mover.
Well, what do you reckon, Ford?
You reckon we should just stroll off|with it? Do you think we should?
- No.|- Neither do I.
- Let's do it.|- OK.
We'd better hurry. In a few seconds,|the Universe will end,
and all those creeps will come|for their bourgemobiles.
Hey, Zaph. How do you get into it?
Just don't spoil|a beautiful idea, Ford.
- Maybe the robot can figure it out!|- Hey, Marvin!
We've got a job for you.
I won't enjoy it.
Yes, you will. There's a whole new|life stretching out in front of you!
- Oh, not another one!|- Shut up and listen!
There'll be excitement and adventure|and really wild things!
- Sounds awful.|- But, Marvin...
I suppose you want me to help you
to get into this spaceship...
Marvin, will you just listen!
...and open the door for you.
Er... Yeah.
Well, I wish you'd just tell me
rather than try to engage|my enthusiasm,
because I haven't got one.
How did you do that, Marvin?
Oh, didn't I tell you I've got|a brain the size of a planet?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Zaph,|come and have a look at this.
Hey! Weird!
It's so black.
Everything in it|is just totally black!
Well, this is very pretty,|I must say!
Yeah, I like a change of scene!
Hey! This is one ace|wonderful ship, eh, Ford!
Pity it doesn't seem to work,|isn't it?
- Ah, well.|- Hey, where are you going?
To find another ship. One|with a single red button suits me.
Hey, listen, Ford. This is the most|stylish heap I have ever been in!
We are gonna make it work, OK?
YOU make it work!
I can make any ship work!
You hear that, ship?
Hey! I did it!
OK, guys, we're on our way!
Who cares where? We just go!
Ladies and gentlemen, the moment|you've all been waiting for!
The skies begin to tremble!
Nature collapses|into the screaming void!
In 15 seconds' time,
the Universe itself will be|at an end!
See where the light of infinity|bursts in upon us!
What's this? What's happening?|Who's this?
I don't believe it!
Ladies and gentlemen,|a big hand, please,
for the Great Prophet Zarquon!
Er, hello, everybody. I'm sorry|I'm a bit late. Had a terrible time.
All sorts of things cropping up|at the last moment.
How are we for time?
'One of the major selling points
'of that wholly remarkable book:
'apart from its relative cheapness,
'and the fact it has|the words "Don't Panic"
'in large friendly letters|on the cover,
'is its compendious|and occasionally accurate glossary.
'Its simplistic style
'is partly explained|by the fact that its editor,
'having to meet|a publishing deadline,
'copied the information off the back|of a packet of breakfast cereal,
'hastily embroidering it|with a few footnotes
'in order to avoid prosecution
'under the incomprehensibly tortuous|Galactic copyright laws.
'It is interesting to note|that a later and wilier editor
'sent the book backwards in time
'through a temporal warp,
'and then successfully sued|the breakfast cereal company
'for infringement of the same laws.
'Here's a sample in both headings|and footnotes:
Basically, what you're telling me|is that the ship is out of control!'
The weird colour scheme freaks me.
Every time I try to operate|one of these weird black controls,
a small black light lights up in|black to let you know you've done it.
It it some kind|of Galactic hyper hearse?
Maybe the designer had eyes that|respond to different wavelengths.
Or had no imagination!
Perhaps he was feeling|very depressed.
It's beginning to make me|feel spacesick!
Timesick!|We're going backwards through time.
- Now I AM going to be ill!|- We could do with some colour here.
Oh, that's better! Have you managed|to make sense of the controls?
No. We just stopped|fiddling with them.
OK, Hotblack,
the black ship's ready to crash|into the sun of Kakrafoon.
Time to get there ourselves.
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Heroic Trio The
Hi Mom 1970
Hidalgo (2004) CD1
Hidalgo (2004) CD2
Hidden Fortress (Akira Kurosawa) CD1
Hidden Fortress (Akira Kurosawa) CD2
Hidden Fortress - Criterion Collection
Hidden Half
Hidden Heroes
Hidden The
Hide And Seek
Higanbana - Equinox Flower - Yasujiro Ozu 1958
High Anxiety CD1
High Anxiety CD2
High Fidelity
High Heels and Low Lifes
High Noon
High Plains Drifter
High Sierra
High Society CD1
High Society CD2
High Wind In Jamaica A (1965)
High crimes
Higher Learning
Highlander 1986 Directors Cut CD1
Highlander 1986 Directors Cut CD2
Highlander III The Sorcerer 1994
Hija del canibal La (2003)
Hijo de la Novia El
Hijo de la Novia El 2001
Hilary and Jackie
Hill The
Hillside Strangler The 2004
Himalaya - lenfance dun chef
Hip Hip Hora! (Hip Hip Whore)
Hiroshima Mon Amour - Criterion Collection
Hiroshima Mon Amour 1959
Hiroyuki Sanada - Twilight Samurai 2002 CD1
Hiroyuki Sanada - Twilight Samurai 2002 CD2
His Girl Friday
His Secret Life
His brother 2003
Histoire D O (1975)
Histoire de Pen
Historias Minimas (2002)
History of the World The - Part I
Hitcher II - I have been waiting
Hitcher The
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 1
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 2
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 3
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 4
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 5
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy The - Episode 6
Hitlerjunge Salomon - Europa Europa
Hitokiri Tenchu 1969 CD1
Hitokiri Tenchu 1969 CD2
Hobbit The
Hocus Pocus
Hole The
Hole in the Head A
Holes CD1
Holes CD2
Hollow Man
Hollow The (2004)
Hollywood Ending CD1
Hollywood Ending CD2
Hollywood Homicide 2003 CD1
Hollywood Homicide 2003 CD2
Holy Man
Holy Matrimony (1994)
Holy Smoke CD1
Holy Smoke CD2
Home Alone 1990
Home Alone 2 - Lost in New York
Home Alone 3
Home Alone 4
Home At The End Of The World A
Home On The Range
Home from the Sea
Homem Que Copiava O 2003 CD1
Homem Que Copiava O 2003 CD2
Homerun CD1
Homerun CD2
Homme-orchestre L (Serge Korber 1970)
Homolka a Tobolka
Honest 2000
Honeymoon Killers The
Honkytonk Man
Hororr hotline (2001)
Horse Whisperer The CD1
Horse Whisperer The CD2
Horseman on the Roof The
Horses Mouth The
Hostile Waters 1997
Hot Chick The
Hot Wheels World Race CD1
Hot Wheels World Race CD2
Hound of Baskervilles The
Hour of the Wolf
Hours The
House By The Cemetary The
House Of The Spirits CD1
House Of The Spirits CD2
House With The Windows That Laugh
House of 1000 Corpses
House of Frankenstein
House of Games (1987)
House of Mirth The
House of Sand and Fog 2003 CD1
House of Sand and Fog 2003 CD2
House of flying daggers
House of the Dead
House of the Flying Daggers
How Green Was My Valley
How High
How The West Was Won 1962 CD1
How The West Was Won 1962 CD2
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days
How to Beat the High Cost of Living
How to Keep My Love 2004
How to Murder Your Wife 1965
How to Steal a Million CD1
How to Steal a Million CD2
How to deal
Howards End
Hratky s certem
Hudsucker Proxy The
Hulk The - Special Edition
Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam
Hum Kaun Hai
Hum Tum
Hum Tumhare Hain Sanam
Human Beast The CD1
Human Beast The CD2
Human lanterns
Hunchback of Notre Dame II The
Hunchback of Notre Dame The
Hundtricker the movie
Hunger The 1983
Hunt For Red October CD1
Hunt For Red October CD2
Hunted The
Hunter The
Huozhe (Lifetimes) CD1
Huozhe (Lifetimes) CD2
Huozhe CD1
Huozhe CD2
Hurricane 1937
Hurricane The CD1
Hurricane The CD2
Hyojadongibalsa 2004
Hypnosis (Saimin 1999)
Hypnotic Doctor Sleep
Hypnotist The 1999
Hypnotized The
Hypo-Chondri-Cat The (1950)