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Harriet the Spy

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Quick Facts: bookkeeping, Accounting, and Auditing Clerks.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yeah. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Give it, give it
Yeah, yeah
Whoo, yeah, yeah
It's Harriet the spy
Spies look at the eye
Now there she go like looking at
Say why, hi, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Dig it, dig it, yeah
There she, there she go, go, go
There she go now
Look at the spy
Hey, watch her, watch her, watch her
She's a spy, my, my
Dig it, dig it
Oh, yeah
She's lookin' in your eye, eye
Why? I don't know
Whoa, yeah.
Boy with ringlets.
Man with tattoos.
Girl on...
a leash?
Man, if my parents ever tried
putting me in one of those things,
I'd trade them in.
This kid looks like she can roll over and fetch.
I learn everything I can
and I write down everything I see.
Golly says if I want to be a writer
then I'd better start now.
Which is why I am a spy.
Lady with a purse.
Man with...
her wallet.
Oh, help!
Stop him!
Stop him!
Quack, quack
Quack, quack
And... done.
What is it?
It's Nanomichi.
You know, the god of storm and thunder.
- Cool, huh? - Okay, come on, hurry up
before it dries.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, ready?
Here, give me your foot.
The secret tattoo.
My best friends Sport, Janie and I thought
we should be blood buddies.
But this was so much less painful.
Just remember the rule.
If anyone sees the secret tattoo...
...swift and painful death.
It's... starting.
Here comes...
nice Marion Hawthorne.
It's happening.
I can feel it happening.
Good Lord.
It's the dreaded Hawthorne effect.
Good morning, Janie, Simon...
and Harriet.
Harri... et!
I got to get to class.
See ya.
See you guys in a few.
Sixth grade.
All the usual suspects are back in action.
First of all there's Rachel Hennessy,
Marion's second in command.
The only thing more pathetic than being Marion Hawthorne
is wanting to be Marion Hawthorne.
Pinky Whitehead,
the human fish belly.
If Janie's theory is right, then Pinky's DNA
was combined with a pint of vanilla yogurt at birth.
Carrie Andrews thinks she's cool...
'cause she spent her summer vacation growing boobs.
Laura Peters looks like someone pinched her face
and it stuck that way.
The boy with purple socks.
A man of mystery.
He never talks.
If I were known only by my footwear,
I'd hang myself.
Beth Ellen Hansen always looks like she's about to cry.
I wish someone would just kick her
and get it over with.
And then of course, there's our teacher...
Miss Elson.
She's nice, and polite.
I bet one day she goes on a psycho killing spree,
and all her neighbors will say...
"She was nice and polite."
Well, from what your last two teachers tell me,
it looks like déja vu all over again.
It's time to vote for a sixth grade class president.
And for the third year in a row...
we're down to our final two nominees,
and they are Harriet Welsch
and Marion Hawthorne.
And so, as you may know,
the duties of the class president include
taking attendance, reporting bad behavior
and best of all, editing the sixth grade newspaper.
And now we vote.
Marion Hawthorne... again.
Three years in a row.
You know what? I think I'll invent a poison.
A really good,
clean, untraceable poison.
One that fries your brains
and makes all your bodily fluids boil at once.
- Could you? - Check it out.
One day I'd be like, "Oh, hi, Marion.
"Oh, no, I'm not finishing this soda."
And she'd be like...
I'm serious.
Any of you guys want to come over?
I got to get home.
If my amoebas start incubating,
they really stink up the house.
Sorry. Spy time.
Spy route.
Harrison Withers' place.
Higher altitude, lower risk.
But always a show.
Yeah, everybody's gonna have some grease today...
All right, now, Jelly Roll. Yeah.
Lady Day
Come what may, whatever you say
We all gonna have a good time
A little bit for you, Satchmo
You, Bessie
And how 'bout you, Jelly Roll?
Golly says, people who love work love life.
Dizzy, Dizzy
I like Harrison Withers,
'cause he's a guy that loves both.
Scooby dah...
Scooby-dooby, du-day
Okay, that's it.
Curiously, Harrison lives
for his cats.
Wow! Birdland.
But his work is for the birds.
Charlie Parker.
In any case, his cages are the most beautiful
I've ever seen.
It's him.
The Health Department has it in for Harrison,
'cause they say he's got too many cats.
I know, I know.
Too bad for them, Harrison has a system.
See a hat, don't be home.
No hat, no problem.
Another score for the cat fan.
Want some necklace?
How about you, man?
Ew. You got it all spitty.
Tastes better that way.
Hey, Harriet, what are you writing?
Can we read them?
Can you read this?
Okay, okay.
I just wanted to know
why you're always writing like a maniac.
I want to remember everything.
I want to know everything.
Well, you must realize, Harriet,
knowing everything won't do you a bit of good
unless you use it to put beauty in this world.
True or false?
Of course it is.
Harriet, your mother called.
She's going to be late.
Come on, Sport, Janie.
I'll have you home before dinner.
Golly always takes us places.
She sees things other people barely notice.
She's my nanny and... well, she's Golly.
Okay, survey of the day.
Today's question is:
What wouldn't you eat for a million dollars?
Um... camel boogers, dried roadkill,
and my dad's meatloaf.
It's the last day of summer.
Sad but true.
Au revoir, monsieur soleil.
So long, bye-bye.
- Good-bye... - We're here.
Is this a garden?
What a place!
What is this?
Golly, what's that?
That's Mrs. W., a very good friend of mine.
Kind of unusual.
You know, there are as many ways to live
as there are people in this world.
And each one deserves a closer look.
Come on in.
- Hi. - Hi.
Look around.
Have fun.
Whoa! Awesome!
Bop, bop, bop, bop!
Do-wat, do-wat, do-wat
I'm goin'!
I'm goin'!
Hey, you guys...
what do you say I propose a toast?
Come on.
Oh... go away.
Say it quick, before it stops fizzing.
Shake it up, take a sip, and wish for what you want
most in the world.
I want to replicate my own DNA
and win the Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah.
Very good, Janie.
Okay, shake it up, Sport.
Shake it up.
I want to play more baseball games
than Cal Ripkin, Jr.
Oh, yeah!
And get filthy rich doing it.
Oh, yeah!
Shake it, Harriet.
I want to see the whole world
and I want to write down everything.
Harriet, slow down.
That's very impressive.
I'm goin'!
That's good, Harriet.
That's very pretty, isn't it, Janie?
Yes, I like it.
Got you!
Hey, wait up.
Everybody, hello! It sucks, sixth grade!
Feet off the bed, please.
Feet off.
Oh, the heinie bounce.
Good choice.
Very cute, Harriet, very cute.
The neighbors will ask me,
"What happened to Harriet Welsch?"
"I don't know," I'll answer.
"Such a shame.
"She disappeared without a trace.
And she was so adorable."
How long have you been with me, Golly?
Since you were born.
11 years and 12,000 tomato sandwiches ago.
And you'll never leave me, right?
Well, I won't leave you "leave you," Harriet,
but, you know, one day you're going to be big enough.
And well... well, big enough to take care of yourself.
And when that day comes
you won't need me and I'll be gone.
But you know what?
That day is not today.
And now, it's time for bed.
Are Mom and Dad tucking me in?
They're at a very fancy party
and I bet they're thinking about you right now. Really.
Listen, I think I can hear 'em.
listen to everything Golly says to you.
We're drinking champagne and eating caviar, Harriet.
Come on.
Let's go to bed.
Who's going to bed?
Uh, you are, tough guy.
- Come on. - Ow! Ow!
Child abuse! Child abuse!
Oh, you think that's child abuse?
You haven't even... How about that?
What about that? What about one of these?
Stand still, you little booger.
I'm telling you, just give me the big knife
and this will all be over.
Harriet, dear, you have taken
a tomato sandwich to school with you...
With mayonnaise.
...with mayonnaise every day
for that past five years.
Don't you want a little variety?
Not even cream cheese with olive?
Or how about pastrami? Roast beef?
How about the fancy cucumber kind,
with the crust cut off?
Mom, I can't help it if I know what I like.
And I know that I like tomato.
After school spy route...
Hong Fat's Food Emporium
Holy cats, a veggie thief.
This must be investigated thoroughly.
Frankie, you took the truck last week.
Wasn't that enough?
Stop walking around.
Frankie, go do some homework.
I've done my homework.
Do some reading.
Watch TV. Do something.
Grandpa, all I need is the truck.
I know you know that I mean.
Come on, Ma, let me have the truck.
I got a date!
What do you take me for?
The Hong Fats have a son... Frankie.
He's cool; American style.
His parents are Chinese-style cool.
Frankie likes going out,
but they'd rather he work in the store,
selling milk and bread and lizards.
I mean, do I try to interfere with your bookkeeping?!
My business is comedy!
That's what I do!
I'm funny! I'm the funny guy!
Yes, you are.
They're the money guys.
Okay, slippery,
bath time's over.
Come out with your hands up.
But I just got in.
Oh, sure. I believe that one.
Let's see your fingers, prune girl.
Talk to the hand, 'cause the face
ain't gonna listen.
He asked me to come up
with something new, something fresh.
You read it. It was good.
- Yes. - It was the funniest script
we've had all year!
Yes, it was. So what was their problem?
Hey, I want to hear.
Oh, yeah? I want to sing opera,
but I can't, so I don't.
That downstairs is...
Well, your dad has a high-pressure job.
What's a high-pressure job?
It's when you don't get to do what you want
and when you do,
you don't have time to do it.
Do spies have high-pressure jobs?
Only when they're caught.
I'm never caught.
You're right.
You never are.
Oh, look, a ugly water bug!
Caught ya.
Here she is.
Good night.
Good night. You want me to tuck you in?
Golly can do it.
"'The time has come,' the Walrus said.
"To talk of many things."
"Of shoes and ships and sealing wax."
"Of cabbages and kings."
"And why the sea is boiling hot."
"And whether pigs have wings."'
- Do you have any wings? - Yeah.
Let me see.
Crap? No, no.
This stuff is beyond crap.
This is what crap wants to be when it grows up.
Listen to this.
"A Question Corner by Marion Hawthorne.
"Horse riding, for those who can afford it
"is a very wonderful sport.
"Every weekend, my father takes me riding
and we laugh together as we ride."
Does she mention her mom pays for dork lessons?
Man, once that
disintegration ray is complete... bzzt!
She's molecular toast.
- Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.
Mom and Dad's night out.
Me and Golly's night in.
What's that smell?
Delicious German bratwurst.
We hate bratwurst.
I love bratwurst.
Since when?
I'll get it!
No. No, no. I will get it.
I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it!
I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it!
I said I'll get it
and I mean I'll get it.
- I got it! - No.
I'll get it!
Good evening, Katherine.
The veggie thief.
Harriet Ann Welsch,
Mr. George Waldenstein.
How do you do?
I've seen him around.
Bet he stole that pineapple.
Good soup.
where are your manners?
I don't know.
Maybe somebody stole them.
Hey, you cheated.
Oh, you win.
My congratulations.
Yeah, well, I know some stuff.
So, you're
a delivery boy?
Well, no offense, but, uh, you're like, what, 45?
Shouldn't you be a delivery man by now?
Well, Harriet, I'll tell you.
Not long ago, I had another life.
I had a big business, I had a lot of money,
and you know what?
I was the most miserable man alive.
So, one day, I told my wife that...
- Wife? - I told my wife that I
wanted to start all over again and if she wanted to,
she could start all over with me.
So what happened?
Oh, she left me, but that's all right, that was her choice.
My choice was to become a delivery boy... well, man.
I don't have the business, of course.
I don't have the money.
You know what?
My life is sweet again.
The wurst!
Oh, no! My wurst!
No, no!
Oh, Lord.
Oh, no. No.
Don't be sad, Katherine.
This is a blessing in disguise.
That's a pretty good disguise.
Don't you see?
The three of us have to go out for dinner.
- No. - Yeah!
Yes, dinner and a movie!
Movie, movie, movie! Come on, Golly!
The idea seems popular enough.
Yes, but the Welschs...
Will be out.
Till million o'clock!
- Oh, please, Golly. - Please, oh, please?
Oh, please, please, please, oh, please.
Oh, please, please, please.
What the heck.
This is absurd.
Don't speak.
Wait! Wait for me! I'm not dead.
Are you okay?
How come all the lights are on?
Where is my child?
Harriet? Harriet, what are you doing
in that contraption?
Come in here at once.
Miss Golly, what are you doing
with my child, at this hour, without my consent?
- Who is that? - My name is...
- Shut up! - I'm sorry.
We only went to dinner and then a movie.
Harriet is not your daughter, Miss Golly.
She is mine, and you have no idea, none,
what it is like to come home and find
- that your child is missing. - We had no idea
that you'd be home this soon.
I don't care. I don't care what you did
or where you went or why.
All I know is this can never happen again.
Miss Golly... you are fired.
What?! No!
Just a moment.
This is my fault. Please.
Well, it seems awfully sudden.
maybe it's not.
I think you're right, Mrs. Welsch.
It is time for me to go.
Now, look, I admit, I lost it...
because, I just... I was frightened.
But the thing is, the fact is we need you, Golly.
We can't do it alone.
We all spoke out of turn, I think.
None of this is causing...
Absolutely not.
Absolutely, no.
I mean, I think we were talking about...
our feelings out there.
You were afraid and-and-and now
what we should be focusing on, right?
Is-is Harriet.
Look, I'm sorry.
- I lost my head out there. - Look. There.
- No, no. - I was just...
but you can't go... I mean, we need you.
Harriet would never stand for it.
Please, won't you reconsider?
You know, it's not about
what happened outside tonight.
It really isn't.
But Golly...
I just... no, I think it's time. I really do.
Harriet can take care of herself now, so she should.
But Harriet's just...
She's just a little girl.
You know, it's the right thing.
It's the right thing for all of us...
for me, for you and for Harriet.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I am.
"'The time has come," the Walrus said,"
"To talk of many things...
"Of shoes and ships and sealing wax..."
"Of cabbages and kings...
"And why the sea is boiling hot...
And whether pigs have wings."
Where you going to go?
Well, I don't really know.
I'm thinking I may travel.
Are you going to go be some other kid's nanny now?
And love them more than you?
Remember, in my life, in this world
there will always only be one Harriet.
So get back to work... you've lost nearly
an entire day on your notebook.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter?
Did I hear you say "It doesn't matter"?
Because I thought I heard you say
"It doesn't matter,"
but Harriet wouldn't say that, would she?
Now come on...
just because you're on your own,
doesn't mean the world stops turning,
or that there are no more fascinating people
to observe and fill your notebooks with.
That's your job, Harriet.
That's your job for life.
And when you're all grown up
and you sell your first novel,
I'll be first in line at that bookstore,
getting my autographed copy.
I hope.
I'm not going to cry.
I'm not going to cry.
I'm not going to cry.
Ah, it's okay to cry.
But whatever you do, don't laugh.
No, Harriet,
I will not tolerate laughter as I leave, no.
come here.
You remember...
a good spy can get in there and fight.
Good-bye, Harriet the Spy.
I was kind of worried, you know?
I kind of thought, "Well, there's something wrong
with me or something," and so...
Growing up from girl to woman,
there's so much to get used to.
This is the time when a whole new set of feelings unfold.
Feelings about yourself and your maturing body...
Everything's the same as when Golly was here.
It looks the same...
it smells the same...
but there's this tiny hole inside me
that wasn't there before.
It's like...
like a splinter in your finger...
only this one's right above my stomach.
are you okay?
Something's... different.
No cats?
How can Harrison Withers not have a billion cats around?
They finally nailed him.
I will always remember that face.
That's the face you make when you really lose something.
Uh-oh, Frankie took the truck.
Speak English!
Oh, okay, you want us to speak English, huh?!
Well, you are a jerk, huh?
I tell you, "Don't take the truck.
You smash the truck."
Well, you tell me now,
Mr. Wise Guy, was one date worth it?
...we have people here shopping!
Hey, all right, Grandpa.
It's cool, right?
It wasn't a big deal, huh?
I knew you'd understand, right?
Sometimes I think families everywhere
are exactly the same.
Everybody get back to work.
Mom, Dad, please? Grandpa!
Just calm down.
Too exciting.
You got it or not?
Hey, Sport.
How you doing?
Um, I saw you drop this outside.
I got to go.
Now it's time for our annual sixth grade holiday pageant.
So... pageant ideas...
who would like to make a suggestion?
Good dramatic potential, if not exactly seasonal.
Anyone else?
How 'bout the Manhattan Project?
I can be J. Robert Oppenheimer
and with the right chemicals,
I know I can do a mushroom cloud.
That's impressive, Janie.
But I believe there's a taste issue involved.
Swan Lake.
Vlad the lmpaler.
Yeah, that's cool!
I think the most excellent idea for a pageant
would be a giant holiday feast.
Something healthy, low in fat, and very delicious, of course.
There could be parts for everybody.
Uh, grains, vegetables
and best of all, a shiny, silver centerpiece.
That's a very good idea, Marion.
You could play the barf bag.
She made me an onion.
Tell me about it.
"You, my dear, are a great big squash."
I'd like to squash her.
I've got something better. Come here.
Smell this.
What is that?
You like it?
Wait, I mean you hate it.
It's like something crawled up my nose and then died.
It's a sulfur-based alkaloid.
I want it to chemically fuse with combustibles.
And, in English, that would mean...
Stink bomb.
Stink bomb.
We tape it to the school air ducts,
attach it to a timer,
and five minutes before the school play starts...
Empty auditorium.
What are you girls doing?
Nothing. Nothing.
Are you getting ready for your big stage debut?
Actually, Mrs. Gibbs,
Janie and I were just talking about the school play.
Right, Janie?
Yeah, we're really looking forward to it.
Good, good.
That's good.
Janie, what is this supposed to be?
No, Mom.
Don't touch it.
It's an experiment with mold.
Oh... Janie!
That's where my Veronica's Closet bra went to, huh?
You know, I'm sick to death
of this mad scientist baloney.
Look at this. Look at this.
Girl, we got to talk.
I don't know what I'm going to do with you,
but we're going to talk.
Some of Janie's experiments really creep me out.
I wonder if she'll grow up to be a billion-IQ genius,
or a total nutcase.
Sport, Sport...
Chicken man.
Do it again, do it again.
Help me.
Hey, Harriet.
All right, come on.
How does it look?
Uh... give me the mousse.
No, no...
Don't worry, it's just one of Dad's nightmares.
I mean day-mares.
He says it happens to all great writers
before they get their big break.
Hmm, a real writer.
My dad calls guys like your dad "a starving artist."
Who's starving?
I cook, I clean, I do the dishes and the books.
What do you mean, do the books?
These are the books.
Every week I get a check.
I write the amount down in here,
I pay the bills and then whatever's left is food money.
I hate money.
You'd like it a lot more if you didn't have any.
I got to get to work.
Hey, Sport?
No! Don't.
Yeah, yeah, come on.
Strike a pose.
Spy route: Brand-new stalk.
Home of Agatha K. Plummer,
a big private house with big-type security.
Until today.
A spy must choose ingenious tricks,
must blend into her surroundings.
Hiya, Freckles.
Must live with being called... "Freckles."
Here we go, in you go.
Here he is.
So, here's the little monster.
Bye. Wave to the man.
Are you happy?
Oh, score!
Quiet. Quiet, puppy dog.
Go away!
Don't, don't, don't. Go away.
Pee-wee, don't make me come in there.
Go away!
Pee-wee... get away
from that dumbwaiter.
Shut up.
Stupid fuzzball.
I ought to shave you down and teach you to hunt.
Shut up!
No, no.
No, darling.
If you want to talk about something delicious...
...I have
something delicious.
I have the secret of life.
Yes, darling.
You simply
crawl into your bed,
and you never, ever leave it again.
Ah, sweet Liberace.
What was that?
I have no idea.
Then why don't you
go over there and get an idea?
And if it's that rat...
kill it!
Oh, Mrs. Plummer,
I'm sure
it's absolutely nothing.
Oh, well...
A good spy never gets caught.
A good spy never gets caught.
A good spy never gets caught.
I am the suckiest spy on earth.
Hey, Harriet, check this out.
"This year's winter pageant promises
"to be truly inspiring, as Miss Elson's
"sixth grade class presents a holiday feast,
"starring a turkey, vegetables,
"and a grand finale
of delicious, dancing... gravy."
Oh, my God.
I'd like to see her split a turkey suit
with butt-breath Pinky Whitehead.
Hurry up.
You're so slow.
Come on, you guys.
Harriet, you want to go play in the park?
Or do you have to do that top secret spy deal again?
No. I can play.
You can?
Yeah, come on.
No way.
I still say we play "Buy the Volvo."
No way.
- That's stupid. - No.
No way!
You guys, I can be the dealer.
You guys can be the couples looking
for a sassy yet affordable family vehicle.
Get real.
Yeah, right.
Okay, I've got it: Hide and Seek.
- No. - Hide and Seek?
I am set.
That's retarded.
Red Rover, Red Rover.
That's a kid's game.
I don't think so.
- Kick the can. - Kick...
What about Spin the Bottle?
Yeah, right.
I got it.
Bumper tag.
See, now, that's a good idea.
Eenie-meenie, miney-mo,
Catch a tiger by the toe.
If he hollers, let him go.
My mom said to pick the very best one,
and you are
Away, you foolish mortals!
Beth's it!
Got you!
You run fast,
but now I shall destroy you.
You winded?
Me, too.
Time to move.
Where's my notebook?
Your what?
My notebook!
Oh, my God.
- Wait, wait. No, wait. - Carrie...
Carrie. Carrie, Carrie, Carrie.
Get this. Get... Okay.
"Carrie Andrews thinks she's so cool
"'cause she spent her summer vacation
growing boobs."
- Come on, read some more. - Okay.
Hold on, hold on.
"Now, the Boy with the Purple Socks
is a man of mystery."
Hold on, you guys, you guys.
Listen, listen, listen.
"The only thing more pathetic
"than being Marion Hawthorne,
is wanting to be Marion Hawthorne."
Oh, Rachel.
She is...
- Jealous. - She's jealous.
It's pure jealousy.
You give that back now!
Looks like there's something in here for everyone.
You heard her, Marion.
Give it back before I pound you into the cement.
Ooh, I'm so scared.
Hey, maybe there is something
in here for you.
Janie, Janie, Janie...
Come and get it.
Read it. Come on.
What does it say?
- Come on. - Janie, Janie.
"Janie really creeps me out."
"I wonder if she'll grow up to be...
a total nutcase..."?
A nutcase!
Her best friend.
That's her best friend.
"I wish someone would kick Beth Ellen."
Uh, Laura.
"Laura Peters... her face looks totally...
"If I were the boy with the purple socks...
I'd hang myself."
Something else.
Cut it out, Marion.
Maybe there is something in here for Sport.
Shut up!
Fine, then.
I'll read it right out loud
so everybody can hear.
"Sport is so poor, he can't even afford food.
"Why can't his father
just get a real job?"
Oh, and get this, as well.
"One day, I had to pretend he dropped a dollar
just so he could afford some milk and bread."
Ooh, harsh.
Oh, oh, oh.
That's mean.
Sport, I...
I-I got to go.
It-it's spaghetti night.
I got to make spaghetti.
I can't stay here anymore.
sit over there till we decide what to do with you next.
Wait. What's this?
"I learn everything I can
"and I write down everything I see.
"Golly says if I want to be a writer,
"then I'd better start now,
"which is why
I'm a spy."
My position is bad.
My position is terrible.
My position could not be worse.
Golly would know what to do.
Harriet, are you all right?
Do you want anything?
You sure?
Ole Golly, Ole Golly, Ole Golly,
Ole Golly, Ole Golly,
Ole Golly, Ole Golly, Ole Golly.
I said
I'm fine.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Sport.
You hear something?
Plug this in over there.
Over there?
Um, well, that one's closer.
Carrie? Carrie?
Oh, my...
Sport? Sport, catch.
Let me see.
We love our teacher, and our best friend
We'll stay together
Until the end
We're moving up...
...and together, we'll always have fun
We love our teacher, and our best friend
We'll stay together
Until the end
We're one for all, and all for one
And together, we'll always have fun...
I will always have a notebook.
Only Golly understands this.
I will write down everything, and I'll know everything.
And I'll take everything I know,
and write my memoirs,
and be a huge, big, celebrity,
and go on all the talk shows
and tell them Marion Hawthorne smells.
And... won't that rock?
What smells?
Did something die?
- Get away. - Eww!
Where's your notebook, Harriet?
I don't know, Marion.
Have you looked up your butt?
You all better stop being mean to me,
or else, I'm going to...
Or else, what?
Yeah, what are you gonna do about it?
I'm gonna get you real bad.
I'm gonna...
No, that's where you're wrong, Harriet the Spy.
We're gonna get you so bad...
and you know why?
'Cause we have a plan.
I don't like giving orders twice, you know.
I told you to nail it to the side, not to the right.
One, two, three, heave!
I need more nails.
Harder, harder.
Hold it, hold it.
A club for catching spies?
I'm doomed.
"If Golly said choose between being a spy
"and having friends...
I'd pick spy."
Maybe you're not allowed to have both."
Get her!
Spy-catchers are everywhere.
My route is ruined.
No one can stand in my way.
Forget that my heart sank
when I saw you standing there with that policeman.
This is your mother talking.
But when I ask you for some kind of explanation,
it's like...
It's not that big a deal.
Oh, no... wrong.
Being brought home by the cops
is a very big deal, Harriet.
Cop. Cop.
One guy. That's it.
No, that's not it; we've spoken with Miss Elson.
You remember school?
And she tells us that you've done
zero schoolwork in days.
All you do is play with your notebook.
It's not play, it's work.
School is your work, Harriet.
Yeah, well, she can shut up, 'cause I'm learning tons.
Oh, yes?
Well, not about history, huh?
Not about geography.
Not even English.
I swear, if it's not in your notebook,
it's as if you don't want to know about it.
So what?
This... obsession you've developed
is not entirely healthy.
Now, we've made a decision.
And-And we, uh...
We want you to stop
with the notebook.
S-Stop writing?
Not forever, just as an experiment.
Harriet, the world is filled with so many things
a person like yourself could enjoy.
Well, that's right.
And you're going to find that, sometimes
just experiencing them can be enough.
That's how I experience things... with my notebook.
No. Let's see you experience things
without your unhealthy obsessions, huh?
Every day you come home, and pour yourself a big martini.
How come you don't give that up?
And how many days go by
without you going to a stupid party?
Or buying some other piece of crappy jewelry... like, two?
Don't take that tone with us, young lady.
We're your parents. We make the rules in this house.
Now, hand over the notebook.
I threw it away.
You're sitting on it.
I'm not moving.
If you make me move you,
I will move you.
I'll just get another one.
Miss Elson will be checking.
Don't you want to talk about this?
Harriet... did we forget?
Notebook check.
Harriet the Spy, Harriet the Spy...
Harriet the Spy, Harriet the Spy...
I'm sorry!
You did that on purpose!
It was an accident, I swear.
- Here, let me help you. - No!
Get away!
Get away!
That's it, work together,
and we'll have Harriet cleaned up in no time.
Don't worry, Harriet,
we'll all help you.
No, stop it.
I don't need your help.
You all get away!
Well, that wasn't very dignified.
"To be... or not to be...
"That is the question.
Is that a question?
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
"The slings and arrows
"Of outrageous fortune
"Or to take arms
"Against a sea of terribles
"And by optioning, end them?
"To die...
I want to die.
"To sleep no more
"And by a sleep to say
"We end the heart-chat
"And the thousand nags of shock...
"The flesh
"is here, too...
"'Tis a consummation
"Development to be wished
To die... to sleep no more."
There are many signs that Tom is changing from a boy to a man.
Tom is getting a deeper voice
and sometimes it gives him a little trouble.
Don't be insulting
my... friend.
This is an actual photograph of vocal chords taken through
a special instrument.
The chords vibrate when the person breathes out.
The larynx is here at the top of the windpipe
and is the housing for the vocal cords.
Bra on a pole! Bra on a pole!
Oh, no.
Hello, Marion.
Get away from me, Harriet.
Or what, you gonna tell your father?
I heard my parents talking.
You don't have a father.
All those stories about horseback riding are garbage.
You made them all up.
Your father lives in Amsterdam.
He hasn't seen you in three years.
And you want to know why, Marion?
'Cause he doesn't love you.
Harriet, come down here.
Harriet, what's happened to you?
We've gotten calls from every parent at school.
They're all either furious or terrified.
Marion Hawthorne can't stop crying.
Laura Peters has locked herself in the bathroom
and won't come out.
The only parents we haven't heard from
are Pinky Whitehead's.
I'm not answering that.
I always hated school myself.
No, now, see, that's the problem.
What? I know...
Something is very wrong here, Ben, and you need take this seriously. - I am!
- No, come on. - I'm just as serious as...
You know what you're doing.
- You're coming in and teasing... - No, I'm not.
We have a really bad situation.
We don't know what the situation is at all.
You always come in and make jokes and then I have to come in
Do we know what the situation is?
...and be the grumpy one.
Maybe we should find out what it is.
I'm fine, I'm fine...
I'm fine, I'm fine...
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine...
I'm fine!
No, sweetheart.
I can't understand how this is fine.
Harriet, uh, uh, can you explain this?
Well, what do we do now?
We can do anything you like.
What am I supposed to do?
How about a game?
Do you play chess?
Golly was going to teach me, but...
Who's he?
Just somebody.
You sit here and play with this stuff all day?
Don't you have toys at home?
But I'm 11.
You stink.
What are you doing?
Just taking notes.
Are they the mean,
nasty kind... or the regular kind?
I'm just telling you,
it's tough getting away with the nasty kind these days.
Thanks for the advice.
Nobody ever takes
your notebook away from you, I bet.
Tell you what.
How about I give you a notebook.
Would you like that?
Yeah. Sure.
This guy's not bad.
Definitely one of those people
Golly says deserves a closer look.
At least he knows the value of a good notebook.
It's time to go.
Can I keep the notebook?
I'll have to talk to your parents about that.
Well, what did he say?
What did he say?
Well, he says that, uh, you're fine.
And, uh, you're a wonderful girl and very smart
and you'll be a terrific writer some day.
I could've told you that.
I didn't read it.
You know, Harriet,
uh, someday... when you grow up... you might have children.
Doubt it.
Well, not tomorrow,
or soon, but some day.
And, if you do,
you're going to try really hard to understand them.
But I keep telling you...
I know, you told me about the notebook.
And even though you're telling me,
and even though I'm listening,
I still don't understand it, Harriet.
Is that why you took it away?
We made a mistake.
Don't do it again, okay?
We try.
Will you tuck me in?
There we go.
Aren't you going to work on your notebook today?
Yeah. Pick a number.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
All right.
"Turn around."
That's not a fortune.
Turn around.
Turn around.
Why, Harriet the Spy,
I believe you've grown a full inch.
You certainly have grown.
Oh, Golly!
So what do I do now, Golly?
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty.
"That is all ye know on Earth
and all ye need to know."
John Keats.
What is that supposed to mean?
It means you've got trouble.
You wrote down the truth in your notebook,
and your friends, who weren't supposed to see it, did.
Now there are only two things for you to do,
and you're not going to like either one of them.
Like what?
Well, you have to apologize and you have to lie.
But you said never to lie.
I know, I did.
Let me see how I can explain this.
Sometimes a little lie that makes people feel better
isn't really wrong.
You know, like, you can thank someone
for a meal they cooked you, even if you hated it.
You could tell a sick friend that they look better,
even if they don't.
Sometimes a really small lie can be a really big help.
They tried to squash me like a bug.
It's too hard.
It's not worth it.
Aw, never say that, Harriet.
You're worth it.
You're an individual, and you know something?
That makes people nervous.
And it's going to keep making people nervous your whole life.
My whole life?
What do I do?
You stay true to Harriet and you accept the cost.
Now, come on.
That's enough lessons for today, okay?
You're 11.
I think it's time for you to start writing something
other than notes.
Like what?
You'll think of something.
Can't you come back for just a little while?
Oh, no, I never go back. Only forward.
And you know what else?
Good friends are one of life's blessings.
Don't give them up without a fight.
Replicate. Replicate.
Stupid spores.
Hi, Janie.
Look what you made me do.
This stuff is going to eat
right through the floor.
Three months of incubation down the porcelain pee hole.
If you roll the rug over it, it won't show so much.
Oh, so next time you can ruin the rug?
Then why are you here?
I just want to say that...
Forget it.
Forget it.
I'm sorry, Janie, okay?
I'm sorry.
Will you take a look at this.
Huh? Huh?
What do you think of your old man now, Sport?
10,000 smackaroos.
No more paying with change.
No more, no more spaghetti.
Going to feel like steak.
And you know those fancy basketball sneakers
with the, with the buckles and the Velcro
and the crap all over them?
Their yours, buddy boy, all yours.
Hey, hey, I take it all back.
All agents aren't useless.
Oh, I'm kidding you, I'm kidding you, man.
You know I was always in your corner.
Oh, yeah, I knew you'd come through.
Well, Sport and I are gonna do
a little celebrating today...
- Hey. - Hey.
Sold his book?
Got a real job.
Hey, Harriet, you hear the good news?
You're a writer.
So how's it feel?
Oh, big slice off heaven,
side order of fries.
Say, you hungry?
I feel like going to the fanciest,
schmanciest restaurant in town.
We'll abuse the waiter.
Who's with me? Harriet?
She can't come.
What do you mean, she can't come?
You haven't even asked her.
I said she can't come.
You can't be my friend if you're not my friend.
I'm sorry, Sport.
I'm sorry.
No one will forgive me.
Things will never be the same.
I have nothing left to lose.
Someone told me the only reason
you guys play with me is because of my mom's cake.
Well, it is very good cake.
Yeah, but how come we get these pieces and you get those?
We told you, we're officers.
And we need our strength.
You get to fix the clubhouse.
Somebody's dreaming.
I am so bored.
If you don't like it, you can leave.
Hey, you're right.
Wait up.
Anybody sick of listening to her
ought to get a life.
Okay, but you can't come back!
We're voting! It's official!
Shh! Teacher! There she is.
Good morning.
Today, we are...
Yes, Harriet?
Miss Elson, I've been thinking a lot,
and you know how class president
automatically gets to be editor of the sixth grade newspaper?
Well, I think...
I think that it's too much for one person
and that it's not fair to everybody
because everybody deserves a chance.
And we should change it.
This isn't a courtroom, Marion.
I like that idea, Harriet.
Let's see what the class thinks.
Miss Elson, I think
I speak for everyone when I say
this is, this is a really, really stupid idea.
That is one opinion.
But let's take a vote.
Marion is now editor of the Guidepost.
Would anyone like to nominate another candidate?
Well, I guess if no one has anything to say...
I have something to say.
I think that Harriet's a very good writer and...
if we only listen to one person's opinion
we may never get anywhere new.
But Harriet might have something very original
and I'd like to read what she has to write.
Is there a second?
I second it.
I third it.
Okay, then.
Harriet Welsch is now a candidate for editor.
Who votes for Harriet?
That... is that.
I am on a mission to be a great writer.
A good friend once told me
that all great writers try to see everything.
Okay, here goes:
I knew this guy once.
He used to be a bajillionaire.
Now he rides a bike.
Want to know the freaky part?
He says the bike's better.
Please write in if you think he's lying.
There's a difference between looking at stuff
and really seeing it.
Look who's here.
Give them some bread, huh?
Here you are.
To really see,
you've got to get a closer look.
Why, thank you.
So much.
A cabbage.
Carrots in here for you.
And a sausage.
I've noticed that, sometimes,
stuff you think is broken forever
is actually totally fixable.
But some stuff is supposed to fall apart.
Speaking of which,
certain high ranking officials of a certain
secret club had better de-dorkify themselves
in a hurry...
or else everybody's going back
to where they were in the first place.
This reporter believes
that de-dorkification is a difficult,
but not impossible, process.
Mostly, you've got to want to be cured.
But I'm pretty sure it's a two steps forward,
one step back kind of deal.
In theater news, Miss Elson's sixth grade holiday pageant
was the theatrical controversy of the season.
Some were happy to see it,
and who am I to argue?
Others say... it stunk.
This reporter has no comment.
And, hey, stupid school board,
give Miss Elson a raise, would you?
She's not so bad, as teachers go.
And she puts up with a lot.
There's evidence to suggest that Janie Gibbs
will grow up to be the world's greatest scientist.
So far, she has shown amazing progress in the areas
of mold manipulation and chemical combustibles.
We have also learned that Sport's father
is rolling in dough from his latest book,
which just goes to show, if you stick to what you love...
and work like a dog... you will succeed.
For those of you who don't know, a retraction
is when a newspaper takes something back.
This newspaper would like to retract certain statements
in a certain notebook
which may have hurt certain people's feelings.
They were lies.
And those that weren't lies...
were mean.
Like, just because a person's father is far away
does not mean he doesn't love you.
Anyway, don't think about it.
The truth is important,
but so are your friends.
And if you can have them both, then it's a good life.
Until next issue, I remain your faithful correspondent,
Harriet M. Welsch.
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you... sing it now
Get up offa that thing
And dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
Just try to release that pressure
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And shake... say it now
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
Try to release that pressure
Get up off...
Good God
So good
Everybody ready?
Follow me
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you... say it now
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
Just try to release that pressure
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you... sing it now
Get up offa that thing
And shake till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
Ooh... so good
Get up offa that thing
Eew, a stink bomb!
Get up offa that thing
Get up offa that thing
Dance till you feel better
Get up offa that thing
Just try to release that pressure
Wait a minute
I need it.
A crack in the door
A slit in the vines
A hole in the fence
So easy to find
People doing people things
Whatever that might be
They go on about their business
Too wrapped up to see
In the shadows
My unblinking eye
I love... the secretive life
I hide in the park, behind a bush
I see runners and skaters
And a half naked man showing off his tattoos
And I see old Mr. Gray in his bad toupee
With some dumb girl about half his age
- People doing people things - Definitely not his wife
Are calling out to me
All their grand and foolish schemes
It's better than TV
They're so funny, I could almost cry
I love... the secretive life
There's Johnny's dad on his third martini
And his nose is getting bigger
As I watch him through the kitchen window
They really oughta close those blinds
And under my coat, I got a microrecorder
A pad, and a pencil, and a picture of you
I can't believe you did that
I see two love birds walking by
With that sick and dreamy look in their eye
And there's a big fat cop with a Magnum mustache
Trying so hard to look mean
The secretive life
Eng subs ripped by -=McLane=-
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