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Frasier 02x21 - An Affair to Forget

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You're on KACL with Dr Frasier Crane.
We have time for one more call.
Hello, Gretchen. l'm listening.
(Gretchen) 'Well, you see, Dr Crane, my husband is a fencing instructor
'and lately he spends all his time with his wealthy new student
'and l'm afraid there's some bumsen going on.'
- Do you have any evidence? - 'No, it's just a feeling.'
Well, in these matters, there's no simple way to know for sure.
Yes, there is.
Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.
lt just so happens we have in our studio today
one of the world's five leading bumsen experts.
lf you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner,
one that's fattening and one that's light.
lf he picks the calorie packed one,
he doesn't mind turning into a pig,
which means he's happily married.
Hearing advice like that, l wish there was a law against
women gathering at a water cooler.
- Now, Gretchen... - 'Does it really work, Roz?'
- Oh, trust me. - 'l'm going to do it.
'Thank you for your help, Roz.
- 'Oh, and you too, Dr Crane.' - Don't mention it.
Well, Dr Crane and friends will be back tomorrow.
Thanks for listening, Seattle.
- l know you hate it when l butt in. - And yet...
You'll forgive me when you find out what l'm doing for you.
There's this woman who lives in my building.
- She's beautiful and funny. - Stop. l do not go out on blind dates.
They're demeaning and a waste of time.
- No, thank you. No. - lt's for your father.
What time should he pick her up?
Wait a minute. They are OK for your father, but not for you?
Yes. And games with balls, beer and giant trucks that roll over small ones.
''So you want to build a three-masted schooner.
''Before assembly, take inventory of all parts.''
- We don't need to read that. - We do.
lt says here, in bold, ''Read all instructions''.
Pass me the right side of the hull.
You'll get that piece at Step 1 6 and not a moment sooner.
- Can we get started here? - All right, Dad.
''So you want to build a three-masted schooner.''
Give me that! You'll put your eye out.
Look at that! What a beautiful ship!
- l bet you'll have fun building that. - Not as much fun as reading about it.
Did l ever mention one of my ancestors was a mutineer on HMS Bounty.
(Martin) No kidding.
He made it safely to Pitcairn lsland where he was fruitful and multiplied.
For all l know, there's some girl who looks exactly like me
in the South Seas, frolicking in the surf,
brown-skinned and bare breasted.
So you want to build a two-masted schooner?
Schooner? l thought it was a frigate.
A frigate has a fore-and-aft mainsail.
- That's a brigantine. - Well, what's a frigate?
That's when you just don't give a damn.
- Hello. - Hello there.
Are you spending the evening with us?
Yes. Maris misses me, but feels family comes first.
She saw this model and felt l should share it with Dad.
- She wanted you out of the house? - Like a musty smell.
Dad, l have a proposal for you.
There's a woman in Roz's building that would like to go out with you.
Roz says she's got a wonderful personality.
Oh, l guess that means l'm the pretty one.
- Tell Roz thanks but no thanks. - You're making a mistake.
Trying new things is what keeps us all young and vibrant.
You're right. For weeks Maris floated in a sensory deprivation tank,
but she's taken up fencing and l've never seen her more vital.
She stays up late into the evening, working with her instructor.
- Maris has a fencing instructor? - Yes.
Gunnar was the Bavarian champion three years running.
He's Bavarian?
You're full of questions l've already answered.
Am l?
He speaks no English. Maris practises German while she parries and thrusts.
Maris is learning German, huh?
Just when you thought she couldn't get any cuddlier.
- Dad, did you take the spanking aft? - Yeah, l pre-glued it for you.
- Good job! - Not to worry.
This used to happen to my brothers all the time.
l can get it off with nail polish remover. Come with me.
- So your brothers built models? - No, l suspect they just sniffed glue.
- That can cause brain damage. - Well, then, that confirms it.
Dad. Dad. l have to talk to you about Niles.
l got a call from a German woman whose husband is a fencing instructor
that she suspects is having an affair with his wealthy new client.
- And? - Don't you find it incriminating?
lt's a coincidence. Seattle's a big city.
l'm sure German fencing instructors have dozens of students.
But are they wealthy?
No. They're working their way out of the ghetto with a foil and a dream (!)
ln the midst of that slag heap of sarcasm,
there may be a kernel of truth.
l could be letting my imagination run away with me.
Forget it. Help me put this model together.
Oh, my God. l remember how Niles used to love these models.
Remember that Christmas Mum got him ''The Visible Man And Woman''?
- He had to glue the internal organs. - l remember you two fighting.
He got on my nerves, so l stole his ovaries.
There's a conversation l'm glad l missed the beginning of.
- Sorry l'm late. - Did you ask your dad about the date?
- He's not interested. - Darn it.
l got her hopes up. Would you consider going out with her?
Sorry. l've had my quota of pity dates.
But this time you wouldn't be the one being pitied.
We have a great call to start the show off with.
The guy on line three found out his girlfriend is his sister!
- That German woman called back. - Gretchen?
- Yeah. - l want her first.
What do l say to the guy dating his sister?
Tell him to hang on. We've all been there.
Hello, Seattle. This is Dr Frasier Crane on KACL.
Gretchen's calling about her husband's affair.
She thinks she has more evidence.
- l'm listening. - (Gretchen) 'l took Roz's advice.
'l gave my husband two choices for dinner
'and he picked the diet plate!'
That is no proof he's having an affair.
- 'But Gunnar has a healthy appetite.' - No, no, no.
The proof bills, credit card receipts... Gunnar?
l also found a love letter.
How long were you going to keep that secret?
What does it say?
(Gretchen speaks German)
- l'm sorry. l don't speak German. - 'lt's means my little liver dumpling.
- 'That used to be his pet name for me.' - Maybe he's writing to you.
'lt can't be me. He says he loves her beautiful, little body,
'as thin as his sword and her skin as white as bratwurst,
'and that she's his nicht eine menschliche Frau. '
- What is that? - 'l don't know if there's an English word.
'The closest translation is ''not quite human woman''.'
- Dear God. lt is her. - 'What should l do?'
l don't know. l need time to think. Let's go to commercial.
Hello. Gretchen, l have considered your problem.
You must confront your husband and insist that he end this affair.
- (Gretchen) 'What if he won't?' - But innocent people are being hurt.
Tell him how much he means to you. Are there children?
- 'No.' - Damn!
Still, it must be a clean break. He must never see this woman again.
'We never had these problems back home.'
Maybe you should return to the loving bosom of Bavaria.
'How did you know we were from Bavaria?'
Well, l'm a master of dialect.
l noticed there was a glottal quality to the occlusion of your diphthongs.
'l'm originally from Austria.'
Do you want to split hairs or get your husband back?
lt's time for another commercial.
- Another commercial? - Yes, another commercial!
What is going on?
Why do you think something's going on?
When the person giving advice sounds crazier than the caller,
l think something's going on.
Nothing's going on.
You know who the liver dumpling is, don't you?
Yes. But it's nobody you know. Her husband's a friend of mine.
- How can l tell him? - Don't tell the person being cheated on.
Confront the person who's cheating. Didn't Harvard teach you anything?
l can't do that.
You tell her you know she's been mattress surfing
and if she won't stop, you'll tell.
lt's not that easy. You don't know her. She can't deal with confrontation.
l once questioned her for serving veal
and we found her in the garage with the engine running on a golf cart.
Whoa, it's Maris!
(Woman speaks Spanish)
Mrs Crane is in the box?
Maris! This is Frasier.
l'm tired of waiting for you to come out of this ridiculous tank.
We've got to talk about Niles.
Will you come out of there?
Look, Maris...
l know you're having an affair.
l care for you both and l want to help you do what's best for your marriage.
Will you stop this?
Just come... Come out of this box!
All right, l'm going to open the door.
l'm going to count to three. l don't care if you're naked.
l'm going to count to ten.
To hell with this! All right!
Niles, l'm so sorry.
Marta, you said Mrs Crane was in the box?
- Si, Missy Crane. - That's Mr Crane!
Marta has trouble with her pronouns.
- l'm worried. He's sensitive. - You're right.
Maybe we shouldn't let on how worried we are. lt will add to his anxiety.
lf we coddle him, he'll think the world's ended.
- Hello, Niles. - Hi, Son.
lt's OK. lt's OK, Niles. Come on.
lt's all right.
- We're all here for you, son. - My little brother.
Frasier, pour him a glass of brandy.
Yes. Oh, God. l'm all out of brandy. l have a marvellous sherry,
some fine ports and a lovely bottle of 1 2-year-old unblended Scotch.
- lt's a bit peaty... - Just pour him a drink!
- What happened, son? - Nothing.
Nothing? When l left, you were about to
storm up to her room and have it out with her?
l thought of questions to fire at her, but when l reached her door l froze.
l turned and walked out of the house, got in the car and started driving.
l'm glad you ended up here.
Actually, l ended up at the Oregon border check.
l had fruit in the car, so l had to turn back.
What will l do? She's my whole life.
She may have temporarily succumbed to Gunnar's Teutonic charms,
but in the end l'm sure she'll choose the man who's intelligent and sensitive.
Frasier, that's just something we used to tell ourselves in chess club.
The truth is women don't want men of intellect.
They want men of action, like Gunnar.
lt has nothing to do with Gunnar. lt's about you and Maris.
Remember your advice when l had problems with Lilith?
You said l should talk to her and find out why she did what she did.
lt's one thing to give advice, another to take it.
Frase, didn't you and Lilith write articles on the keys to a successful marriage?
- Yes. - lt might help Niles to read them.
Well, all right.
l've only got half. Lilith got the rest in the divorce settlement.
Now that we got rid of the foghorn, here's the way to handle it.
Remember this happened between your mother and l?
- Right. - Well, l took it up with the other man.
l told him if it ever happened again, he'd be the other woman.
There was a lot more that we had to do
to keep our marriage together, but at least she knew how much l cared.
Should l grab Gunnar by the scruff of the neck and throw him out?
- Why not? - l've been fantasising about it.
lt's just not me, though. Although maybe it should be me.
No, l've got to speak to Maris eventually.
Although, if l do it your way, l'm going at it from a position of strength.
l'll do it, Dad. Tonight it's Gunnar who will be taught a lesson.
- That's my boy. Sure you're up to it? - Yes, l am.
l'm pumped, l'm psyched and l just swallowed an entire twist of lemon.
- Did l just hear Niles leave? - He went to straighten out Gunnar.
God, Dad, how could you let him go? What if Gunnar wants to fight?
lt's still better this way. He's found his manhood.
l'll be happy if he traded in some teeth for his cojones.
l've got to stop walking in on the middle of conversations.
There you are. Yes, l'm talking to you, strudel boy!
No one gets away with seducing my wife.
You probably thought, because of my swimmer's build, l wouldn't fight for her,
but you're wrong, because real men have a thing called honour.
You wouldn't know about that.
- Niles. - You don't know how to behave.
You don't know the meaning of rectitude.
He doesn't know the meaning of dog. He doesn't speak English!
(Speaking in German)
You speak German?
(Speaking Spanish)
She worked for a German family that turned up in Guatemala...
just after the war.
Good. She can translate. Tell her to tell him...
Niles, just wait!
lf he knew you were calling him strudel boy, he'd wipe his feet on your face.
lf there are scuffs, they'll be scuffs of honour.
How dare you steal my wife! Translate.
All right.
(Frasier speaks Spanish)
(Marta translates in German)
All right, fine, you want to challenge me?
En garde!
That's just what we need, a fourth language!
You can't possibly fight this man.
You forget. l've been fencing since prep school.
So what? He was born with a sword in his hand.
He probably performed his own Caesarean.
My God. He's going to kill me.
Oh, very nice, very nice. Thank you.
Are you all right?
(Speaking German)
ls he giving up?
He wants you to apologise. He didn't steal...your shoes.
- My shoes? - Yes, l'm sorry.
Apparently, l mistranslated.
He didn't mean... Not shoes, wife.
(Speaks Spanish)
(Translation in German)
(Speaks German)
(Marta translates in Spanish)
He couldn't help it. Maris is irresistible... lrresistible?!
(Marta translates)
- But she refused him. - Really?
What did Maris say?
(Marta translates)
''l love Niles.''
Oh, she loves me. My Maris is home.
ln five seconds, tell him he's fired. Maris!
lf only l could help Gunnar and Gretchen.
Tell him his wife loves him very much.
(Frasier translates in Spanish)
(Marta translates in German)
No, no, not me, you! You!
Marta, damn your pronoun problems!
All right, you hapless wretch!
# Hey baby, l hear the blues are calling tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# Oh, my!
# And maybe l seem a bit confused Well, maybe...but l got you pegged!
# But l don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
# They're calling again #
Frasier has left the building.
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Friends - 3x11 - The One Where Chandler Cant Remember
Friends - 3x12 - The One With All the Jealousy
Friends - 3x13 - The One Where Monica and Richard
Friends - 3x14 - The One With Phoebes Ex-Partner
Friends - 3x15 - The One Where Ross and Rachel Take
Friends - 3x16 - The One the Morning After
Friends - 3x17 - The One Without the Ski Trip
Friends - 3x18 - The One With the Hypnosis Tape
Friends - 3x19 - The One With the Tiny T-Shirt
Friends - 3x20 - The One With the Dollhouse
Friends - 3x21 - The One With a Chick and a Duck
Friends - 3x22 - The One With the Screamer
Friends - 3x23 - The One With Rosss Thing
Friends - 3x24 - The One With Ultimate Fighting Champ
Friends - 3x25 - The One at the Beach
Friends - 4x01 - The One With the Jellyfish
Friends - 4x02 - The One With the Cat
Friends - 4x03 - The One With the Cuffs
Friends - 4x04 - The One With the Ballroom Dancing
Friends - 4x05 - The One With Joeys New Girlfriend
Friends - 4x06 - The One With the Dirty Girl
Friends - 4x07 - The One Where Chandler Crosses
Friends - 4x08 - The One With Chandler in a Box
Friends - 4x09 - The One Where They are Going
Friends - 4x10 - The One With the Girl from
Friends - 4x11 - The One With Phoebes Uterus
Friends - 4x12 - The One With the Embryos
Friends - 4x13 - The One With Rachels Crush
Friends - 4x14 - The One With Joeys Dirty Day
Friends - 4x15 - The One With All the Rugby
Friends - 4x16 - The One With the Fake Party
Friends - 4x17 - The One With the Free Porn
Friends - 4x18 - The One With Rachels New Dress
Friends - 4x19 - The One With All the Haste
Friends - 4x20 - The One With All the Wedding Dresses
Friends - 4x21 - The One With the Invitation
Friends - 4x22 - The One With the Worst Best Man Ever
Friends - 4x23 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 1
Friends - 4x24 - The One With Rosss Wedding - part 2
Friends - 5x01 - The One After Ross Says Rachel
Friends - 5x02 - The One With All the Kissing
Friends - 5x03 - The One Hundreth
Friends - 5x04 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS
Friends - 5x05 - The One With the Kips
Friends - 5x06 - The One With the Yeti
Friends - 5x07 - The One Where Ross Moves In
Friends - 5x08 - The One With All the Thanksgivins
Friends - 5x09 - The One With Rosss Sandwich
Friends - 5x10 - The One With the Inappropiate Sister
Friends - 5x11 - The One With All the Resolutions
Friends - 5x12 - The One With Chandlers Work Laugh
Friends - 5x13 - The One With Joeys Bag
Friends - 5x14 - The One Where Everyone Finds Out
Friends - 5x15 - The One With the Girl Who Hits Joey
Friends - 5x16 - The One With the Cop
Friends - 5x17 - The One With Rachels
Friends - 5x18 - The One Where Rachel Smokes
Friends - 5x19 - The One Where Ross Cant Flirt
Friends - 5x20 - The One With the Ride-Along
Friends - 5x21 - The One With the Ball
Friends - 5x22 - The One With Joeys Big Break
Friends - 5x23 - The One in Vegas
Friends - 6x01 - The One After Vegas
Friends - 6x02 - The One Where Ross Hugs Rachel
Friends - 6x03 - The One With Rosss Denial
Friends - 6x04 - The One Where Joey Loses His
Friends - 6x05 - The One With Joeys Porsche
Friends - 6x06 - The One On the Last Night
Friends - 6x07 - The One Where Phoebe Runs
Friends - 6x08 - The One With Rosss Teeth
Friends - 6x15
Friends 7x01 - The One with Monicas Thunder
Friends 7x02 - The One With Rachels Book
Friends 7x03 - The One With Phoebes Cookies
Friends 7x04 - The One With Rachels Assistant
Friends 7x05 - The One With The Engagement Picture
Friends 7x06 - The One With The Nap Partners
Friends 7x07 - The One with Rosss Library Book
Friends 7x08 - The One Where Chandler Doesnt Like Dogs
Friends 7x09 - The One With All the Candy
Friends 7x10 - The One With The Holiday Armadillo
Friends 7x11 - The One With All The Cheesecakes
Friends 7x12 - The One Where They are Up All Night
Friends 7x13 - The One Where Rosita Dies
Friends 7x14 - The One Where They All Turn Thirty
Friends 7x15 - The One With Joeys New Brain
Friends 7x16 - The One With the Truth About London
Friends 7x17 - The One With the Cheap Wedding Dress
Friends 7x18 - The One With Joeys Award
Friends 7x19 - The One With Ross and Monicas Cousin
Friends 7x20 - The One With Rachels Kisses
Friends 7x21 - The One With the Vows
Friends 7x22 - The One With Chandlers Dad
Friends 7x23 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 1
Friends 7x24 - The One With Monica and Chandlers Wedding Part 2
Friends 9x01 - The One Where No One Proposes
Friends 9x02 - The One Where Emma Cries
Friends 9x03 - The One With The Pediatrician
Friends 9x04 - The One With The Sharks
Friends 9x05 - The One With Phoebes Birthday Dinner
Friends 9x06 - The One With The Male Nanny
Friends 9x07 - The One With Rosss Inappropriate Song
Friends 9x08 - The One With Rachels Other Sister
Friends 9x09 - The One With Rachels Phone Number
Friends 9x10 - The One With Christmas In Tulsa
Friends 9x11 - The One Where Rachel Goes Back To Work
Friends 9x12 - The One With Phoebes Rats
Friends 9x13 - The One Where Monica Sings
Friends 9x14 - The One With The Blind Dates
Friends 9x15 - The One With The Mugging
Friends 9x16 - The One With The Boob Job
Friends 9x17 - The One With The Memorial Service
Friends 9x18 - The One With The Lottery
Friends 9x19 - The One With Rachels Dream
Friends 9x20 - The One With The Soap Opera Party
Friends 9x21 - The One With The Fertility Test
Friends 9x22 - The One With The Donor
Friends 9x23-24 - The One In Barbados 1 2)
Frisson des vampires Le
From Beijing with love
From Dusk Till Dawn
From Dusk Till Dawn 3 The Hangmans Daughter
From Hell
From Justin To Kelly (Special Edition)
Frontera La
Frusta e il corpo La
Fucking Amal
Fudoh The New Generation 1996
Fugitive The - The Chase Continues
Fugitives (2000)
Fukssvansen (Chop Chop)
Full Frontal 2002
Full Metal Jacket
Full Time Killer
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD1
Fun Movie (2002 Korean) CD2
Fun in Acapulco (Richard Thorpe 1963)
Funeral Parade of Roses
Funeral in Berlin
Funny Girl
Fuochi dArtifizio
Furia (2002)
Fury The (1978)
Futurama 1x01 - Space Pilot 3000
Futurama 1x02 - The Series Has Landed
Futurama 1x03 - I Roommate
Futurama 1x04 - Loves Labors Lost in Space
Futurama 1x05 - Fear of a Bot Planet
Futurama 1x06 - A Fishful of Dollars
Futurama 1x07 - My Three Suns
Futurama 1x08 - A Big Piece of Garbage
Futurama 1x09 - Hell is Other Robots
Futurama 2x01 - A Flight to Remember
Futurama 2x02 - Mars University
Futurama 2x03 - When Aliens Attack
Futurama 2x04 - Fry and the Slurm Factory
Futurama 3x01 - Amazon Women in the Mood
Futurama 3x02 - Parasites Lost
Futurama 3x03 - A Tale of Two Santas
Futurama 3x04 - The Luck of the Fryrish
Futurama 3x05 - The Birdbot of Ice-catraz
Futurama 3x06 - Bendless Love
Futurama 3x07 - The Day the Earth Stood Stupid
Futurama 3x08 - Thats Lobstertainment
Futurama 3x09 - The Cyber House Rules
Futurama 3x10 - Insane in the Mainframe
Futurama 3x10 - Where The Buggalo Roam
Futurama 3x12 - The Route of All Evil
Futurama 3x13 - Bendin in the Wind
Futurama 3x14 - Time Keeps on Slippin
Futurama 3x15 - I Dated a Robot
Futurama 3x16 - A Leela of Her Own
Futurama 3x17 - A Pharaoh To Remember
Futurama 3x18 - Anthology of Interest Part 2
Futurama 3x19 - Roswell That Ends Well
Futurama 3x20 - Godfellas
Futurama 3x21 - Future Stock
Futurama 3x22 - The 30 Iron Chef
Futurama 4x01 - Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch
Futurama 4x02 - Leelas Homeworld
Futurama 4x03 - Love and Rocket
Futurama 4x04 - Less Than Hero
Futurama 4x05 - A Taste of Freedom
Futurama 4x06 - Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV
Futurama 4x07 - Jurassic Bark
Futurama 4x08 - Crimes of the Hot
Futurama 4x09 - Teenage Mutant Leelas Hurdles
Futurama 4x10 - The Why of Fry
Futurama 4x11 - Where no Fan Has Gone Before
Futurama 4x12 - The Sting
Futurama 4x13 - Bend Her
Futurama 4x14 - Obsoletely Fabulous
Futurama 4x15 - The Farnsworth Parabox
Futurama 4x16 - Three Hundred Big Boys
Futurama 4x17 - Spanish Fry
Futurama 4x18 - The Devils Hands are Idle Playthings
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD1
Fyra Nyanser Av Brunt CD2