BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller PursuivantClick here to download subtitles file for the movie "BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant"Click here to download the movie "BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant"
What about this plague?|Rumours say it's worse than ever. Now we've found out about the rats,|we'll never have plague again. They say that a rat a day|keeps the plague away. - No more plague in our lifetime.|- I hope you're right. - Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.|- Doing what? I'm afraid Father's|feeling a bit under the weather. Oh, dear. Any idea what? Not sure. I think it's Black Death, but I am sure he'd appreciate|a little visit from you. Well, I'm sure|I can pop my head around the door. Sort of nowish. Mother, would you like to...? No, dear. He won't let me near him. Oh. Slaaay! How is he? Well, he's up. We face today the gravest crisis|this country has known - since the Roman invasion!|- (All shout agreement) The King has stirred|and calls for you. Ah. Very well... Gentlemen! I must leave you. Prince Edmund is in charge! (All)|Shame! Ah, yes. Ah, right. Er, gentlemen, right.|Well, as you know... "Today we face the gravest crisis|this country has known - "since the Roman invasion."|- Rubbish! What about the Viking invasion? - Norman?|- Swiss? Well, the greatest crisis|for some time. - And we all know why!|- Why? - Because the King is possessed!|- What? True. The land is full|of omens of bewitchment! In Cornwall, a man with four heads|was seen taking tea on the beach! And two women in Windsor|claim to have been raped by a fish! I, too, have heard such tales. - In Harrogate it rained phlegm.|- (All) Eugh! In Edinburgh, the graves did open and the ghosts|of our ancestors rose up and competed in athletic sports. A friend of mine had this awful|pimple on the inside of his nose! - Percy, shut up.|- (All) Witchcraft! And a farmer in Rye heard a cow|reciting Geoffrey Chaucer, and a young woman in Shropshire|saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field, mooing and suckling a young heifer! Gentlemen, gentlemen!|Surely, we don't believe in this. Next you'll be telling me that washing your hair in bats'|droppings stops you going bald! But it's true! I couldn't find|enough bats and look what happened. I move that we do|the only thing we can do to remove this curse|from the kingdom. Ah, that sounds like the answer! Send for|the Witchsmeller Pursuivant. Aye! (Men yell their support) Now, wait! Wait! Wait! - Percy! Percy!|- What? What the devil|do you think you're doing? I just can't take the pressure|of all these omens any more! Percy... No! Only this morning I saw a horse|with two heads and two bodies! Two horses|standing next to each other? Yes, I suppose it could have been. I bet you think that sticking|your finger up a sheep's bottom - on Good Friday makes you fertile!|- Rubbish! - Precisely!|- It's Easter Monday. Yes... Remind me|not to shake your hand during the religious festival. I don't believe it. Who is this|Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway? I don't know,|but Mistress Scott would. The old crone with the cat! The cat! Lovely!|But she lives in the village! - So?|- Everyone's dying of the plague! Yes, that's|what the peasants claim. Any excuse to get off a day's work! (Moans of agony) Well, obviously|there are some genuine cases. - Good mornin', Prince Edmund.|- Morning, peasant. - Good morning, Prince Edmund.|- Morning, peasant. - Morning, Prince Edmund.|- Morning, peasant. - Shouldn't you disguise yourself?|- Hmm? We don't want someone|with a grudge infecting you. Ah, yes, you're right. - Morning, stranger.|- Morning, friend. - Morning, stranger.|- Morning, friends! Who is that dark stranger? Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund. This way, My Lord. Yes. (Bell rings) Bring out your deeeeaaad! (Coughing and spluttering) - You! Where's Mistress Scott?|- You've just passed her. What? Oh, my God! And what's that? The, er, cat, My Lord. Does anyone know what happened? No! I don't! Me neither. I was on the other side|of town when we burned her. Ssh! You burned her? Why? - I don't know.|- It was because she was a witch! You burned Mistress Scott|for being a witch? Why? I can't say. It's a secret. - A secret? Do you know who I am?|- A stranger. Oh, yes. That's right. - Well, tell me anyway.|- No, no, we can't. Here's why. If you'd been|part of a secret committee to invite|the Witchsmeller Pursuivant, and he'd already burnt four of your|friends, would you tell everyone? No, I suppose I wouldn't. So... So is it the Witchsmeller|Pursuivant who burnt her? - He's guessed.|- He's clever. They don't call him Clever Jake|for nothing, you know. Well, they don't|call me Clever Jake. Oh, I see. So, what does this|witchsmeller man look like? No one knows, My Lord. No one. He is a master of disguise|who appears only at night. - That's right. Innit?|- I believe so. Ah, right. So he won't be around now.|Let me tell you something. If this witchsmeller|burnt Mistress Scott... - And her pussy cat.|- Be quiet! ..then something's wrong|with his nose, and I should know. They don't call me|Clever Pete for nothing. - Jake, My Lord.|- What about him? - Clever Jake.|- Where? - You are Clever Jake.|- Oh, yes. They don't call me|Clever Pete at all. They call me Clever Jake, and if I were you and I'd asked|the witchsmeller into town, I'd kick the big-nosed bully|out again! What do you say? I think it's worth|serious consideration. Exactly. Take Clever Tom's advice and send him back|to the madhouse he came from... Put those down, Percy. Come. Mistress Scott is obviously|in no state to help us today. I have two functions -|to protect the good... and to crush the evil. Watch! Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating! Um...actually you have crushed|both eggs, you know? Some that seem good|sometimes proveth to be evil. My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh. Ah, Edmund! Come in!|The witchsmeller's arrived! Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he? Oh...hello. I'm delighted to meet you.|I'm one of your greatest admirers. "Old Big Nose is back"? Yes, old Big Nose is back.|He's in an terrible state. I was talking to him just now. He's a great admirer|of yours as well. - Who's this?|- Old Big Nose. In fact, I've been hearing|about your work in Taunton. Imagine that! Every person there having|an affair with the same duck. The Duck of Taunton|was a tragic circumstance. I hear you very kindly burnt|our Mistress S-Scott for us. Oh, yes...and her pussy cat. Ah, b-but have you found|the chief witch yet? I fear I may be very close. Oh! Get the kindling ready.|Make sure that stake is well done! Witchsmeller, if you do happen to come across|someone who's a bit witchy, how do you prove him guilty? - By trial or by ordeal.|- Ah, ordeal by water? - By axe.|- Oh? The suspected witch|has his head placed upon a block and an axe aimed at it. If guilty, the axe will bounce off|his neck, so we burn him. If not guilty,|it'll slice his head off! What a very fair test that is. Would you like to attempt|a less violent test yourself, by way of demon-stration? How much less violent? I place before the suspect|a dagger and a crucifix. - Interesting!|- The suspect is blindfolded. If he picks up the dagger,|he is Satan's bedfellow. Yes! At least take yourself|out of the running! I haven't seen your broomstick|recently, Your Highness! - I'm not so sure about all this.|- Oh. You will all notice how|it has suddenly become much darker. - Choose!|- There we are! How the devil did that happen? This is the source of evil|in your kingdom. This is your witch!|Lucifer's brother! Hebleebablub! Burn the witch! I'm not sure|I caught the first part. - Try him.|- If that's what you recommend. Henry, you can't let him do this. - He's highly thought of!|- He's a quack. - What did you say?|- Quack, quack, quack! You see, My Lord, how the Duck|of Taunton lives within him? Yes, I'm afraid so!|Let him be tried tomorrow. B-But th-this...! Lords and ladies of England,|this court's summoned to adjudge the most heinous|of all crimes - witchcraft! All the more heinous|as the accused is a prince. Step forward, Edmund,|Duke of Edinburgh. - Look at his hair!|- His hair proves it. Who will defend the accused... and thus condemn himself|to certain burning at the stake? Lord Percy will defend|His Royal Highness. Oh, yes, me. Yes. Hello! Witch! - Witch! Witch!|- What? His hair proves it! Will you force us to listen to|a man who may be a witch himself? You're absolutely right. That concludes the defence case.|Thank you, Lord Percy. Begin! Prince Edmund,|are you a Christian? Yes, of course. Can you say the Lord's Prayer? I could say it backwards! Confession! Edmund, I believe|you have a pussy cat. Yes. - Oh! It's name is Bubbles?|- Right. Or to give it its full name -|Beelzebubbles! Do you deny that you were seen on the feast|of Saint Jacob the Turgid speaking to little Bubbles? - Of course I deny it!|- A-Ah! But the chambermaid, Mary,|heard you say, "Hello, Bubbles.|Would you like some milk?" - Well, I might have said that.|- Ah! - (All) Ah!|- What did you mean by it? I meant "Would the cat|like some milk?" - Milk?|- I meant milk, bloody milk! Bloody milk!|A mixture of milk and blood! - No, no, just milk.|- The blood was to come later! There wasn't any blood! So you had to make do with milk! (Screaming) My Lord, you have|a horse called Black Satin? Yes. Do you confess|that on the 13th day of Norristide you said to this horse,|and I quote, "Satin, would you like|some carrots?" I might have done.|He likes carrots. Carrots? Ye-es, carrots. Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that carrots are|the devil's favourite food! No, no, we don't. No, we don't. If the devil likes carrots, why|isn't it mentioned in the Bible? Why doesn't it say, "A-And he took the Lord up|to the top of an high mountain "and offered him a carrot"? Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat|carrots" in the Ten Commandments? It is!|In the appendix to the Apocrypha - "And the Lord said|unto the children, "'Neither shalt thou eat|the fruit of the tree "'that is known|as the carrot tree.'" Carrots don't grow on trees. Oh, really? How did you|get to know so much about carrots? - Witch!|- Oh! My Lord, I call my first witness! (Enthusiastic cheering) Now, Satin, just relax,|you're amongst friends. Good. Now, tell me in your own words,|did you, Satin, on certain nights last Garethstide, indulge, albeit I accept,|in all innocence, - in frenzied...|- Oh! - ..naked and obscene...|- O-Oh! ..satanic orgies with your master, known to you|as the Great Grumbledook? - What?|- Silence, Grumbledook! Satin, you're not replying.|He's not replying. Are we to assume|this horse has something to hide? Either that or he can't talk. A likely story. Black Satin,|known in the hierarchy of evil as Black Satin the Loquacious! Are you the servant of Satan? (Black Satin neighs) Was that a yea or a nay? It was a "nay", My Lord,|but I don't believe a word of it. He may think he can fool us, but|we have ways of making him talk! (Cheering) Well, I suppose this is what comes|of being a witch. I'm not a witch! Edmund, you always were|a bit of a fibber. Mother, I beg of you, use|whatever power you have to help me. I haven't had any power for years. No, b-but Father's sick!|You must do something, otherwise... - Otherwise what?|- Well, otherwise I'll be burnt! - Oh, yes. This would be a pity.|- Oh, thanks! I'll see if I can|sort out something. My Lord, I had an idea|how to get out of this. Yes? Send for the greatest lawyers|in the land and they could save you. Brilliant! Contact them at once. I've already done it, My Lord! (Edmund) Oh, Percy,|thank you! A-Are those the letters? Um...yes! - Well, read them.|- Um...er...very well. This is from|Robert Wyatt in Somerset. "What you ask|is against reason and God." "I spit on you and your master "and look forward to passing water "over both your graves|as you lay dead." - What does that one say?|- It's from John Watts. Stinker Watts! "Dear Percy, I remember yourself|and Prince Edmund at school, "and so was interested|by your letter..." Yes? "May you both die horribly.|Yours, John Watts." Oh, no! I'm doomed! Wait a moment, My Lord! I have|a cunning plan that cannot fail. - What is it?|- Well... My wife would like|you to come for dinner tonight. - No, thanks.|- Why not? Well, the food tastes like manure and I find you both very boring. Oh, fair enough.|How about next Thursday, then? Um...yeah, that's lovely, yeah.|About half eight? Yeah. Be there. Brilliant!|Well done, Baldrick. Very cunning. You may capture the eagle,|but you cannot clip its wings. Anyway, how's that eagle of yours? Oh, fine. Mind you, I had|a bit of trouble to start with, but now I've clipped its wings,|no problem. Tomorrow I shall not be so meek.|(Chortles) (Booing and hissing) My Lord, unhappily the horse,|Blessed Satin the Confessor, that was to have been|a witness today... - Yes?|- ..cannot be with us. - Oh, dear.|- However, before he died... You bastard! ..he did make|this signed confession. I'll read it.|"I, Black Satin, confess "that my former master, Edmund,|is the servant of Satan..." (Woman)|O-O-Oh. "..and I spoke to him|on the matter frequently..." (Crowd)|Oo-ooh! "..over a gallon...a gallon...|a gallon of stable boy's blood"! Dear Lord...this tragic,|horrid, nasty and most evil case|draws to an end. I call my last witness! (Cheering) Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow? A talkative badger? An easily bribed ant? - I call...Jane Firkettle!|- (All) Hooray! Can you see that man there? - Which?|- That's him. 'Course I recognise him! She's seen me on a coin. Have you or have you not committed|sins of the flesh with him? - I have.|- You must be joking! - To my deepest shame.|- And mine! Look at her. Can you describe these foul deeds? After we had just kissed once,|he transformed into a wild animal. - Perhaps I do remember you.|- Anything else? Yes, My Lord. Three months later,|I was great with child. For God's sake. - You bore him a son?|- I did. My little Johnny. Can you see this son of Satan|anywhere in this court? Yes, that's him! I give you...John Grumbledook! The hair gives him away! He doesn't look|the slightest bit like me! My Lord, you have|three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood, a horse that talks, and a man...who propagates poodles! These men must burn! (All)|Burn! Burn! Burn! (Chanting continues) Silence for the Prince of Wales! The verdict is that the accused|are found guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows|is that you be burned to death. However, in view|of your previous good background, I am disposed to be lenient. Therefore,|I sentence you to be burned alive! Do you have anything to say? - Yes, I'd like to say something.|- Shut up! And you, Grumbledook? Yes! Now! Brilliant, Baldrick.|How you did that, I'll never know! In...here! (Thumping and yelling) You Turkish pigs! - Percy.|- Sorry. Look, you two,|you wouldn't perhaps consider, for a pretty hefty reward,|perhaps letting us... Escape? - By dressing up as...|- ..washerwomen? - And carrying us out in...|- ..three large laundry baskets? No, obviously not. Here comes the wife. - Hello, Edmund.|- Hello, dear. You look funny! Yes, I've had all my hair cut off. Oh, yes, that's it. Look, there's no news|of a reprieve, is there? No. Everyone's looking forward|to it. Hello, boys. (Both)|Morning, Your Highness. I have to go to my room,|but in fact... Yes? I think I might get|a better view from the window. Oh, great. Well, I'd better be going. (Whispering) Oh, yes, and your mummy|asked me to give you this. Great! What is it? A knife? A file?|A small bucket of water? - No, silly, it's a dolly!|- So it is. So it is. Great, great.|It's just what we needed. - Goodbye, Edmund.|- Goodbye, dear. Mother? Yes? Oh, bye-bye, dear. (Crowd hisses) This must be one of the most|difficult parts of the job. Yes. - And for the witch as well.|- Of course. My Lord, I have a cunning plan. Oh, cough off, Baldrick! I think I might|be able to stall him. Grumbledook, your time has come!|Do you wish to confess? - No.|- Very well. Sorry. Sorry, yes.|Yes, I do, in fact. Confession! I should like to confess|in front of God and this rather small crowd that I have occasionally|done things wrong. - Be more specific.|- Um...well... I have erred and strayed|like a lost ox. - Sheep!|- Er...sheep. I have coveted|my father's adultery. - Get on with it!|- I-I have not... not honoured my neighbour's ass. - Oh, light the fires!|- I'm a witch! Me, too!|(Crowd cheers) (Crowd)|Burn! Burn! Burn! Oh, damn! I'm not even comfortable. Argh! How fast this heat travels! Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it? I feel...as if I am...on fi-i-ire! I know. I'm rather regretting|my choice of undergarments as well. I'm burning! I'm burning! I'm burning! Yes, but I bet you're|glad of that cloak in the winter. Good Lord! A-A-Argh! A-Argh! Oh! Well done, Baldrick. Yes, that was a close shave. Thank you, Baldrick. Morning, my love! Ah, morning, dear. - Morning, Princess.|- Good morning. What's going on out there? Uncle Harry was going|to burn Edmund alive... Darling? Tch, tch, tch. - It's all sorted out now.|- Oh, good, good. # The sound of hoofbeats|cross the glade # Good folk,|lock up your son and daughter # Beware the deadly flashing blade # Unless you want to end up shorter # Black Adder, Black Adder # He rides a pitch-black steed # Black Adder, Black Adder # He's very bad indeed # Black his gloves of finest mole # Black his codpiece made of metal # His horse is blacker than a vole # His pot is blacker|than his kettle # Black Adder, Black Adder # With many a cunning plan # Black Adder, Black Adder # You horrid little man! # (Percy) I said he shouldn't|have burnt that cat. |
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The Deep Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas Blue Spring 2001 Blue Velvet Blue juice 1995 Blue thunder Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1 Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2 Blues Harp Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow Bob Le Flambeur 1955 Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice Body Double Body Heat Body The Boiler Room Bola El Bone Collector The Bonnie and Clyde Book of Fate The Book of Pooh The Boondock Saints The Boot Das 1981 CD1 Boot Das 1981 CD2 Born Romantic Boucher Le Bounce Bourne supremacy The-1CD Boxcar Bertha Boy Who Saw The Wind The Boys and Girls Boyz N the Hood Branca de Neve Bread and Roses Breakfast Club The Breakfast at Tiffanys Breakin all the rules Breaking Away Bride with White Hair The Bridge Man The CD1 Bridge Man The CD2 Bright Future Broadway Danny Rose Brother (Takeshi Kitano) Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972 Brother from Another Planet The 1984 Brotherhood Of The Wolf Brothers The Buddy Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star) Buffalo Soldiers Bug 1975 Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946) Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951) Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942) Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944) Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954) Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953) Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949) Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946) Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948) Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949) Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948) Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952) Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943) Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941) Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952) Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950) Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951) Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952) Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950) Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950) Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949) Bugs Life A Bullet Ballet Bullet in the Head Bulletproof Monk 2003 Bullets Over Broadway Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition) Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994) Burnt Money Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition Butchers Wife The |