BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
What about this plague?|Rumours say it's worse than ever.
Now we've found out about the rats,|we'll never have plague again.
They say that a rat a day|keeps the plague away.
- No more plague in our lifetime.|- I hope you're right.
- Edmund, I'm glad I've caught you.|- Doing what?
I'm afraid Father's|feeling a bit under the weather.
Oh, dear. Any idea what?
Not sure. I think it's Black Death,
but I am sure he'd appreciate|a little visit from you.
Well, I'm sure|I can pop my head around the door.
Sort of nowish.
Mother, would you like to...?
No, dear. He won't let me near him.
How is he?
Well, he's up.
We face today the gravest crisis|this country has known
- since the Roman invasion!|- (All shout agreement)
The King has stirred|and calls for you.
Ah. Very well...
Gentlemen! I must leave you.
Prince Edmund is in charge!
Ah, yes. Ah, right.
Er, gentlemen, right.|Well, as you know...
"Today we face the gravest crisis|this country has known
- "since the Roman invasion."|- Rubbish!
What about the Viking invasion?
- Norman?|- Swiss?
Well, the greatest crisis|for some time.
- And we all know why!|- Why?
- Because the King is possessed!|- What?
True. The land is full|of omens of bewitchment!
In Cornwall, a man with four heads|was seen taking tea on the beach!
And two women in Windsor|claim to have been raped by a fish!
I, too, have heard such tales.
- In Harrogate it rained phlegm.|- (All) Eugh!
In Edinburgh, the graves did open
and the ghosts|of our ancestors rose up
and competed in athletic sports.
A friend of mine had this awful|pimple on the inside of his nose!
- Percy, shut up.|- (All) Witchcraft!
And a farmer in Rye heard a cow|reciting Geoffrey Chaucer,
and a young woman in Shropshire|saw Geoffrey Chaucer in a field,
mooing and suckling a young heifer!
Gentlemen, gentlemen!|Surely, we don't believe in this.
Next you'll be telling me
that washing your hair in bats'|droppings stops you going bald!
But it's true! I couldn't find|enough bats and look what happened.
I move that we do|the only thing we can do
to remove this curse|from the kingdom.
Ah, that sounds like the answer!
Send for|the Witchsmeller Pursuivant.
(Men yell their support)
Now, wait! Wait! Wait!
- Percy! Percy!|- What?
What the devil|do you think you're doing?
I just can't take the pressure|of all these omens any more!
No! Only this morning I saw a horse|with two heads and two bodies!
Two horses|standing next to each other?
Yes, I suppose it could have been.
I bet you think that sticking|your finger up a sheep's bottom
- on Good Friday makes you fertile!|- Rubbish!
- Precisely!|- It's Easter Monday.
Yes... Remind me|not to shake your hand
during the religious festival.
I don't believe it. Who is this|Witchsmeller Pursuivant, anyway?
I don't know,|but Mistress Scott would.
The old crone with the cat!
The cat! Lovely!|But she lives in the village!
- So?|- Everyone's dying of the plague!
Yes, that's|what the peasants claim.
Any excuse to get off a day's work!
(Moans of agony)
Well, obviously|there are some genuine cases.
- Good mornin', Prince Edmund.|- Morning, peasant.
- Good morning, Prince Edmund.|- Morning, peasant.
- Morning, Prince Edmund.|- Morning, peasant.
- Shouldn't you disguise yourself?|- Hmm?
We don't want someone|with a grudge infecting you.
Ah, yes, you're right.
- Morning, stranger.|- Morning, friend.
- Morning, stranger.|- Morning, friends!
Who is that dark stranger?
Oh, that'll be Prince Edmund.
This way, My Lord.
Bring out your deeeeaaad!
(Coughing and spluttering)
- You! Where's Mistress Scott?|- You've just passed her.
Oh, my God!
And what's that?
The, er, cat, My Lord.
Does anyone know what happened?
No! I don't!
Me neither. I was on the other side|of town when we burned her.
You burned her? Why?
- I don't know.|- It was because she was a witch!
You burned Mistress Scott|for being a witch? Why?
I can't say. It's a secret.
- A secret? Do you know who I am?|- A stranger.
Oh, yes. That's right.
- Well, tell me anyway.|- No, no, we can't.
Here's why. If you'd been|part of a secret committee
to invite|the Witchsmeller Pursuivant,
and he'd already burnt four of your|friends, would you tell everyone?
No, I suppose I wouldn't.
So... So is it the Witchsmeller|Pursuivant who burnt her?
- He's guessed.|- He's clever.
They don't call him Clever Jake|for nothing, you know.
Well, they don't|call me Clever Jake.
Oh, I see.
So, what does this|witchsmeller man look like?
No one knows, My Lord. No one.
He is a master of disguise|who appears only at night.
- That's right. Innit?|- I believe so.
So he won't be around now.|Let me tell you something.
If this witchsmeller|burnt Mistress Scott...
- And her pussy cat.|- Be quiet!
..then something's wrong|with his nose, and I should know.
They don't call me|Clever Pete for nothing.
- Jake, My Lord.|- What about him?
- Clever Jake.|- Where?
- You are Clever Jake.|- Oh, yes.
They don't call me|Clever Pete at all.
They call me Clever Jake,
and if I were you and I'd asked|the witchsmeller into town,
I'd kick the big-nosed bully|out again!
What do you say?
I think it's worth|serious consideration.
Take Clever Tom's advice
and send him back|to the madhouse he came from...
Put those down, Percy.
Come. Mistress Scott is obviously|in no state to help us today.
I have two functions -|to protect the good...
and to crush the evil.
Um...actually you have crushed|both eggs, you know?
Some that seem good|sometimes proveth to be evil.
My Lords, the Duke of Edinburgh.
Ah, Edmund! Come in!|The witchsmeller's arrived!
Oh! Old Big Nose is back, is he?
I'm delighted to meet you.|I'm one of your greatest admirers.
"Old Big Nose is back"?
Yes, old Big Nose is back.|He's in an terrible state.
I was talking to him just now.
He's a great admirer|of yours as well.
- Who's this?|- Old Big Nose.
In fact, I've been hearing|about your work in Taunton.
Every person there having|an affair with the same duck.
The Duck of Taunton|was a tragic circumstance.
I hear you very kindly burnt|our Mistress S-Scott for us.
Oh, yes...and her pussy cat.
Ah, b-but have you found|the chief witch yet?
I fear I may be very close.
Oh! Get the kindling ready.|Make sure that stake is well done!
if you do happen to come across|someone who's a bit witchy,
how do you prove him guilty?
- By trial or by ordeal.|- Ah, ordeal by water?
- By axe.|- Oh?
The suspected witch|has his head placed upon a block
and an axe aimed at it.
If guilty, the axe will bounce off|his neck, so we burn him.
If not guilty,|it'll slice his head off!
What a very fair test that is.
Would you like to attempt|a less violent test yourself,
by way of demon-stration?
How much less violent?
I place before the suspect|a dagger and a crucifix.
- Interesting!|- The suspect is blindfolded.
If he picks up the dagger,|he is Satan's bedfellow.
Yes! At least take yourself|out of the running!
I haven't seen your broomstick|recently, Your Highness!
- I'm not so sure about all this.|- Oh.
You will all notice how|it has suddenly become much darker.
- Choose!|- There we are!
How the devil did that happen?
This is the source of evil|in your kingdom.
This is your witch!|Lucifer's brother!
Hebleebablub! Burn the witch!
I'm not sure|I caught the first part.
- Try him.|- If that's what you recommend.
Henry, you can't let him do this.
- He's highly thought of!|- He's a quack.
- What did you say?|- Quack, quack, quack!
You see, My Lord, how the Duck|of Taunton lives within him?
Yes, I'm afraid so!|Let him be tried tomorrow.
Lords and ladies of England,|this court's summoned to adjudge
the most heinous|of all crimes - witchcraft!
All the more heinous|as the accused is a prince.
Step forward, Edmund,|Duke of Edinburgh.
- Look at his hair!|- His hair proves it.
Who will defend the accused...
and thus condemn himself|to certain burning at the stake?
Lord Percy will defend|His Royal Highness.
Oh, yes, me. Yes. Hello!
- Witch! Witch!|- What?
His hair proves it!
Will you force us to listen to|a man who may be a witch himself?
You're absolutely right.
That concludes the defence case.|Thank you, Lord Percy.
Prince Edmund,|are you a Christian?
Yes, of course.
Can you say the Lord's Prayer?
I could say it backwards!
Edmund, I believe|you have a pussy cat.
- Oh! It's name is Bubbles?|- Right.
Or to give it its full name -|Beelzebubbles!
Do you deny that you were seen
on the feast|of Saint Jacob the Turgid
speaking to little Bubbles?
- Of course I deny it!|- A-Ah!
But the chambermaid, Mary,|heard you say,
"Hello, Bubbles.|Would you like some milk?"
- Well, I might have said that.|- Ah!
- (All) Ah!|- What did you mean by it?
I meant "Would the cat|like some milk?"
- Milk?|- I meant milk, bloody milk!
Bloody milk!|A mixture of milk and blood!
- No, no, just milk.|- The blood was to come later!
There wasn't any blood!
So you had to make do with milk!
My Lord, you have|a horse called Black Satin?
Do you confess|that on the 13th day of Norristide
you said to this horse,|and I quote,
"Satin, would you like|some carrots?"
I might have done.|He likes carrots.
Ladies and gentlemen, we all know
that carrots are|the devil's favourite food!
No, no, we don't. No, we don't.
If the devil likes carrots, why|isn't it mentioned in the Bible?
Why doesn't it say,
"A-And he took the Lord up|to the top of an high mountain
"and offered him a carrot"?
Why isn't "Thou shalt not eat|carrots" in the Ten Commandments?
It is!|In the appendix to the Apocrypha -
"And the Lord said|unto the children,
"'Neither shalt thou eat|the fruit of the tree
"'that is known|as the carrot tree.'"
Carrots don't grow on trees.
Oh, really? How did you|get to know so much about carrots?
- Witch!|- Oh!
My Lord, I call my first witness!
Now, Satin, just relax,|you're amongst friends. Good.
Now, tell me in your own words,|did you, Satin,
on certain nights last Garethstide,
indulge, albeit I accept,|in all innocence,
- in frenzied...|- Oh!
- ..naked and obscene...|- O-Oh!
..satanic orgies with your master,
known to you|as the Great Grumbledook?
- What?|- Silence, Grumbledook!
Satin, you're not replying.|He's not replying.
Are we to assume|this horse has something to hide?
Either that or he can't talk.
A likely story.
Black Satin,|known in the hierarchy of evil
as Black Satin the Loquacious!
Are you the servant of Satan?
(Black Satin neighs)
Was that a yea or a nay?
It was a "nay", My Lord,|but I don't believe a word of it.
He may think he can fool us, but|we have ways of making him talk!
Well, I suppose this is what comes|of being a witch.
I'm not a witch!
Edmund, you always were|a bit of a fibber.
Mother, I beg of you, use|whatever power you have to help me.
I haven't had any power for years.
No, b-but Father's sick!|You must do something, otherwise...
- Otherwise what?|- Well, otherwise I'll be burnt!
- Oh, yes. This would be a pity.|- Oh, thanks!
I'll see if I can|sort out something.
My Lord, I had an idea|how to get out of this.
Send for the greatest lawyers|in the land and they could save you.
Brilliant! Contact them at once.
I've already done it, My Lord!
(Edmund) Oh, Percy,|thank you! A-Are those the letters?
- Well, read them.|- Um...er...very well.
This is from|Robert Wyatt in Somerset.
"What you ask|is against reason and God."
"I spit on you and your master
"and look forward to passing water
"over both your graves|as you lay dead."
- What does that one say?|- It's from John Watts.
"Dear Percy, I remember yourself|and Prince Edmund at school,
"and so was interested|by your letter..."
"May you both die horribly.|Yours, John Watts."
Oh, no! I'm doomed!
Wait a moment, My Lord! I have|a cunning plan that cannot fail.
- What is it?|- Well...
My wife would like|you to come for dinner tonight.
- No, thanks.|- Why not?
Well, the food tastes like manure
and I find you both very boring.
Oh, fair enough.|How about next Thursday, then?
Um...yeah, that's lovely, yeah.|About half eight?
Yeah. Be there.
Brilliant!|Well done, Baldrick. Very cunning.
You may capture the eagle,|but you cannot clip its wings.
Anyway, how's that eagle of yours?
Oh, fine. Mind you, I had|a bit of trouble to start with,
but now I've clipped its wings,|no problem.
Tomorrow I shall not be so meek.|(Chortles)
(Booing and hissing)
My Lord, unhappily the horse,|Blessed Satin the Confessor,
that was to have been|a witness today...
- Yes?|- ..cannot be with us.
- Oh, dear.|- However, before he died...
..he did make|this signed confession.
I'll read it.|"I, Black Satin, confess
"that my former master, Edmund,|is the servant of Satan..."
"..and I spoke to him|on the matter frequently..."
"..over a gallon...a gallon...|a gallon of stable boy's blood"!
Dear Lord...this tragic,|horrid, nasty
and most evil case|draws to an end.
I call my last witness!
Oh, yes, and what is it? A cow?
A talkative badger?
An easily bribed ant?
- I call...Jane Firkettle!|- (All) Hooray!
Can you see that man there?
- Which?|- That's him.
'Course I recognise him!
She's seen me on a coin.
Have you or have you not committed|sins of the flesh with him?
- I have.|- You must be joking!
- To my deepest shame.|- And mine! Look at her.
Can you describe these foul deeds?
After we had just kissed once,|he transformed into a wild animal.
- Perhaps I do remember you.|- Anything else?
Yes, My Lord. Three months later,|I was great with child.
For God's sake.
- You bore him a son?|- I did. My little Johnny.
Can you see this son of Satan|anywhere in this court?
Yes, that's him!
I give you...John Grumbledook!
The hair gives him away!
He doesn't look|the slightest bit like me!
My Lord, you have|three proofs of witchcraft.
A cat that drinks blood,
a horse that talks,
and a man...who propagates poodles!
These men must burn!
(All)|Burn! Burn! Burn!
Silence for the Prince of Wales!
The verdict is that the accused|are found guilty of witchcraft.
The maximum penalty the law allows|is that you be burned to death.
However, in view|of your previous good background,
I am disposed to be lenient.
Therefore,|I sentence you to be burned alive!
Do you have anything to say?
- Yes, I'd like to say something.|- Shut up!
And you, Grumbledook?
Brilliant, Baldrick.|How you did that, I'll never know!
(Thumping and yelling)
You Turkish pigs!
- Percy.|- Sorry.
Look, you two,|you wouldn't perhaps consider,
for a pretty hefty reward,|perhaps letting us...
- By dressing up as...|- ..washerwomen?
- And carrying us out in...|- ..three large laundry baskets?
No, obviously not.
Here comes the wife.
- Hello, Edmund.|- Hello, dear.
You look funny!
Yes, I've had all my hair cut off.
Oh, yes, that's it.
Look, there's no news|of a reprieve, is there?
No. Everyone's looking forward|to it. Hello, boys.
(Both)|Morning, Your Highness.
I have to go to my room,|but in fact...
I think I might get|a better view from the window.
Well, I'd better be going.
Oh, yes, and your mummy|asked me to give you this.
Great! What is it?
A knife? A file?|A small bucket of water?
- No, silly, it's a dolly!|- So it is. So it is.
Great, great.|It's just what we needed.
- Goodbye, Edmund.|- Goodbye, dear.
Yes? Oh, bye-bye, dear.
This must be one of the most|difficult parts of the job.
- And for the witch as well.|- Of course.
My Lord, I have a cunning plan.
Oh, cough off, Baldrick!
I think I might|be able to stall him.
Grumbledook, your time has come!|Do you wish to confess?
- No.|- Very well.
Sorry. Sorry, yes.|Yes, I do, in fact.
I should like to confess|in front of God
and this rather small crowd
that I have occasionally|done things wrong.
- Be more specific.|- Um...well...
I have erred and strayed|like a lost ox.
- Sheep!|- Er...sheep.
I have coveted|my father's adultery.
- Get on with it!|- I-I have not...
not honoured my neighbour's ass.
- Oh, light the fires!|- I'm a witch!
Me, too!|(Crowd cheers)
(Crowd)|Burn! Burn! Burn!
I'm not even comfortable.
How fast this heat travels!
Yes, it is a touch warm, isn't it?
I feel...as if I am...on fi-i-ire!
I know. I'm rather regretting|my choice of undergarments as well.
I'm burning! I'm burning!
Yes, but I bet you're|glad of that cloak in the winter.
Oh! Well done, Baldrick.
Yes, that was a close shave.
Thank you, Baldrick.
Morning, my love!
Ah, morning, dear.
- Morning, Princess.|- Good morning.
What's going on out there?
Uncle Harry was going|to burn Edmund alive...
Darling? Tch, tch, tch.
- It's all sorted out now.|- Oh, good, good.
# The sound of hoofbeats|cross the glade
# Good folk,|lock up your son and daughter
# Beware the deadly flashing blade
# Unless you want to end up shorter
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He rides a pitch-black steed
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He's very bad indeed
# Black his gloves of finest mole
# Black his codpiece made of metal
# His horse is blacker than a vole
# His pot is blacker|than his kettle
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# With many a cunning plan
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# You horrid little man! #
(Percy) I said he shouldn't|have burnt that cat.
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Bells Of St Marys The (1945)
Belly Of The Beast
Belly of an Architect The
Bend It Like Beckham
Bend of the River 1952
Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Benny and Joon
Best years of our lives 1946
Bet on My Disco
Better Off Dead 1985
Better Than Chocolate
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD1
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD2
Better Tomorrow 3 A
Better Way To Die A
Between Heaven and Hell
Beverly Hillbillies The 1993
Beverly Hills Ninja
Beyond Borders CD1
Beyond Borders CD2
Beyond The Clouds
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD1
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD2
Biches Les (Claude Chabrol 1968)
Bicho de sete cabezas
Big Blue The CD1
Big Blue The CD2
Big Bounce The
Big Chill The
Big Deal on Madonna Street (1958)
Big Fat Liar
Big Fish 2003
Big Hit The
Big Lebowski The
Big Mommas House
Big Shot - A Confessions of a Campus Bookie 2002
Big Sleep The
Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Billy Madison 1995
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD2
Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The