BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
As the good Lord said:|Love thy neighbour as thyself -
unless he's Turkish,|in which case, kill the bastard!
- Farewell, dear Harry.|- Farewell, Father.
- ..with the King gone...|- Hmm?
At last, the chance|for some real power!
I want you scum|back to the castle by sundown
or you'll be slaughtered! Onward!
Come on! Come on!|(The sheep bleat)
Shut up! And you can keep quiet -|I've had enough of you.
Right, come on, you...|Where are you going?
Stop! Where are you going?
No, not away from the castle,|towards it!
You're not supposed to be here!|That's far enough. Get out!
If I could get my hands|on that bastard Harry!
There you are! Splendid news,|Edmund! Father's coming home!
He writes here that|he'll be back by St Leonard's Day.
We can celebrate|both events together.
I shall handle|the visiting royalty, of course,
and the papal legate,
and you can sort out the frolics.
Yes. The morris dancers,|eunuchs and the bearded women.
Traditional|St Leonard's Day entertainments.
Damnation! I won't have enough time|to attend to the drains. Edmund!
You'll have to look into those.
Er...yes...yes.|Fine, fine, I'd be honoured!
Good! You won't let me down?
No, no, no, I'm really|looking forward to it already.
Thank you so very much.
Twelve months of chasing sheep
and straightening|the royal portraits, and now this!
If only he were, My Lord.
If only he were a bastard,|My Lord,
then you would be regent now.
Ah, yes! And then one day...
..you would be king, My Lord.
Yes, I would be king.
(Both)|You'd rule the world, My Lord!
It's not fair, you know.
Every other woman|in the court has bastards,
but not my mother, oh, no.
She's so pure,|she daren't look down,
in case she notices|her own breasts.
You must be looking forward|to the King's return, Your Majesty.
No, My Lady? But think,|he will come to your chamber
and make mad,|passionate love to you.
Yes. I wish he wouldn't do that.
It's very difficult to sleep|with that kind of thing going on.
Used all night,|like the outside of a sausage roll.
Still, there's the St Leonard's Day|celebrations to look forward to -
the jesters, the jugglers...
A great brown ox, steaming|and smouldering all night long.
Oh, yes! The feast!
No, I was thinking|of something else.
I hope they've got|the morris dancers - I love them.
Yes. I like the eunuchs.
I wish I owned one.
I wish I'd married one.
No, fine, fine. Could have happened|to anyone. Never mind, never mind.
I don't believe it.
We've only one act,|and she's shaved her beard off.
There's the eunuchs.
Oh, yes - and the amazing|beardless woman. What a line-up!
Percy, there must be someone else!
The Jumping Jews of Jerusalem!
- What do they do?|- They jump, My Lord.
They come in, My Lord,|and they jump.
A lot. It's a humorous act.
There must be|something else, surely.
Ha! What's this?|"The Death Of The Pharaoh."
"Sir Dominic Prick and his|Magnificent Strolling Wooferoonies
"perform the tragic masterpiece|The Death Of The Pharaoh."
I found it very moving.
It had better be funny,|or Prick gets his comeuppance!
Jerry Merryweather|and his four chickens?
What do they do? Lay eggs?
Yes, My Lord.
We'll have them.|(Knock at door)
What is it, My Lord?
- The eunuchs have cancelled.|- Oh, dear.
Ha! I should have known!|Never trust a eunuch!
What shall we do?
I know. Baldrick,|give me an execution order.
I'm going to teach them a lesson.
I'll remove whatever extraneous|parts of their bodies still remain!
- My Lord...|- Take that to the Lord Chancellor.
This is desperate!
We could have|the morris dancers, My Lord.
Now, look.|We are not that desperate.
Morris dancing|is the most fatuous entertainment
ever devised by man.|40 effeminate blacksmiths
waving a cloth|they've wiped their noses on!
How it's still going on,|I'll never know.
So...do you want them, or not?
Splendid.|How are the rest coming along?
Very, very well indeed.
Um...I think it's going to have|a slightly...spartan look.
Er... Yes, that's right,|a Greek look.
- Good. Everyone turning up?|- Oh, absolutely everyone.
So many, in fact, that I'm afraid|I've had to let the eunuchs go.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
No! That won't do at all!|Not on St Leonard's Day.
Because...correct me|if I'm wrong, Lord Percy -
St Leonard himself was an eunuch.
Ye-e-e-s, that's right.
Well, I thought|it might be more tactful...
To leave out the eunuchs on|St Leonard's Day would be like...
leaving out morris dancers|or the bearded women!
Besides, Lord Dougal McAngus,|the supreme commander, is expected
and eunuchs|are his particular favourite.
He's Scottish, you see.
Well, I'm relying on you, Edmund.|Carry on!
So! Some carrot-faced,|thistle-arsed
Scottish orang-utan|wants a eunuch, does he?
- He's a great warrior.|- That's what they all say.
Barbarians! Half of them|can't even speak English.
- What do they speak?|- It's all Greek to me.
They speak Greek?
No. I mean it sounds like Greek.
Then it probably is.
It's not Greek.
But it sounds like Greek.
"What's not Greek, but sounds like|it?" That's a good one, My Lord.
It's not a brain-teaser, Percy.
I mean, I cannot understand|a word they're saying.
You never learned Greek!
Percy...have you ever wondered|what your insides look like?
Sometimes, My Lord, yes.
I'd be willing to satisfy your|curiosity. Is that clear? Is it?
God, this Scotsman's|annoying me already.
I'm the Duke of Edinburgh!
Laird of Roxburgh,|Selkirk and Peebles.
I can make things difficult for him.
As for these entertainments...
Baldrick, you've got a beard.|Get yourself a nice dress.
Great, My Lord!
Percy, you'd better go|get Bernard the bear-baiter.
- Yes.|- Looks like we'll need him.
- Percy.|- Yes, My Lord?
Tell him to bring a bear this time.
The improvising|last year was pathetic.
Now, then, Mother.|A toast to Father's return.
(Fanfare)|What the devil...?
- Dougal McAngus!|- Oh, but of course!
Noble Prince of Wales,
McAngus greets you and lays|at your feet the spoils of war.
Oh, sorry, that's my overnight bag.
Behold! Treasures|torn from the torsos of a Turk.
Oh, McAngus! It fills me|with joy and hope to see you.
What news of my father, the King?
He swore he'd be back|for St Leonard's - or die!
God forfend!|We will pray for his safe passage.
Join us. You must be starving.
- And young Lochinvar?|- And him, too.
Come on, Lochinvar!
You must be|the King's wee rumpy-pumpy.
- I am the Queen.|- I've got a message for ye.
- My father sends his regards.|- Do I know him?
I think you could say that.
He's Donald McAngus,|third Duke of Argyll.
Edmund is providing|the entertainments.
Ah, the eunuch!
There's a groat for you.
(High-pitched voice)|I am not a eunuch.
- You sound like one.|- I am not a eunuch.
I am the Duke of Edinburgh.
- Oh, you are?|- Yes!
Duke of Edinburgh, and as Scottish|as the Queen of England's tits!
I'm sorry - you're in my chair.
Now we know each other,|I have an announcement.
You're a eunuch as well??
McAngus, as reward|for your deeds in battle,
my father here empowers me to grant|you anything you may desire of me.
If he's got sense,|he'll ask for a haircut.
Brother, I'm honoured.|All I ask is a scrap of land.
Grant me fair Selkirk|and the shire of Roxburgh.
- What?|- By the power vested in me...
Excuse me, I'm sorry to dip|my little fly in your ointment,
but those lands do,|in fact, belong to me.
Well...so...perhaps|he'd like to choose somewhere else.
No. I'll have|Roxburgh and Selkirk.
That leaves Peebles!
- Oh, aye! And Peebles.|- But, but...
Trying to say something?
Well, I don't know.|Some people might say,
"What an absurd idea,
"giving away half of Scotland|to a kilted maniac,
"for slaughtering|syphilitic Turks."
Au contraire, I say,
"Let's reward him."
Good, good. So be it.
I'm going to kill him - now!
- Who, My Lord?|- That Scottish weasel.
Why, My Lord?
Because he's|a thieving Scottish weasel.
- How?|- I'll stab him.
In the Great Hall|and in the bladder.
But...if you do it|in front of everybody,
won't they suspect something?
Yes, a drawback.
Yes, perhaps we need something...
a little more cunning...
- I have a cunning plan.|- I have a more cunning one.
- Mine's pretty cunning.|- Not cunning enough.
- Depends on how cunning you mean.|- Damn cunning!
Mine's quite cunning.
Oh, all right,|let's hear what's so damn cunning!
You get him to come with you.
Oh, brilliantly cunning. I ask him|to come, then stab him, perhaps?
- How cunning!|- No, you get a cannon...
I see, and then get him to stick|his head in it and blow it off.
- Yes!|- Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's...
a wonderful idea...
No, I think I have a plan|which will give us a little more...
(He laughs fiendishly)
Can I help ye?
Um, no. No, I'm fine, thank you.
I'm not in your way|over here, am I?
Oh, there is just one thing.
I wondered if you could|do me a little favour.
I wondered if you would help|with the celebrations tonight.
How? By staying away?
(Laughs sheepishly, then screams)
Thing is, we were hoping|to present a mystery play
by one of our|leading thespianic troupes
but, unfortunately,|one of their number is ill, um...
and I thought you'd be the perfect|person to take his place.
Well, I warn ye...
..I'm no actor.
There shouldn't be|much acting required.
It's an ancient Egyptian piece
called "The Death Of The Scotsman".
I'll have a crack at it.|(Animal yelps)
You could play the Scotsman,
if you like, who dies|at the end of the play.
Acting dead? That I can do.
Yes, well, as I say...
there may not be|much acting required.
(McAngus)|Mind the pit.
(Thump, boing, thump, boing)
Tall trees! Let's see|those branches waving.
Now smaller! Small, small...
Have you made|the necessary changes?
Yes, My Lord.
- McAngus...|- Woooooh!
Meet your murderers.
- # Mi mi mi... #|- How did it go?
but I don't really think|they understood it.
We three are gathered|with most bold intent...
Here, by the banks|of the graceful Nile
where camels ride|and deserts blow...
To spill the blood|of this Scotsman vile.
What's a Scotsman doing in Egypt?
I'm not sure,|but they've had good reviews.
See your mother there?
Apparently, my father|and your mother used to...
Don't be absurd. Such activities|are totally beyond my mother.
My father had to tell her|it was a cure for diarrhoea.
Don't you believe it. There are|some letters - they're hot stuff!
I tell you, they cast a wee doubt|over the parenthood of young Harry!
Don't be absurd!
The bagpipe strums. Behold!
This way our victim comes.|For never...
- I'm on!|- Where are these letters?
Hidden away - I'll show you later!
Oh, all right.
Tutankhamen McPherson,|you come not a whit too soon,
for is this not the weather fair,|or this the Ides of June?
(McAngus)|Aye, it is.
What business do you mean?
Quickly! McAngus is going to die!
- Any moment!|- Carrot-faced orang-utan!
- Thieving Scots weasel!|- (Both) Death!
He knows too much!
That is why he must die!
No, he mustn't, he mustn't!|He has vital information.
I've changed my mind.|What am I going to do?
- Stop the show!|- How? How?
Just say "Stop".
What's our reason for stopping it?
The knives are real.|McAngus will die.
No, you bastard!
Sorry I'm late.
Excellent. It's certainly|my mother's handwriting.
- When were these written?|- 1460.
The year my brother was born.
(He laughs fiendishly)|Baldrick! Get in here.
Tell everyone that the|entertainments have been cancelled.
- Why?|- Because I told you to, rat!
- Why have they been cancelled?|- I see.
Tell them I have a very important|announcement to make.
(He laughs fiendishly)
- Do I have to take the dress off?|- Get out!
If you played your cards right,|you could become king.
Yes, one day.
Sooner, maybe. Your father|just charged into Constantinople
and they shut the gates on him.
- No?|- Yes!
10,000 Turks armed with scimitars,
and your father with a fruit knife.
Another nail|in the coffin of variety.
I liked Bernard the rabbit-baiter.
Look, Edmund, is this|announcement going to take long?
I haven't seen a eunuch yet.
Don't worry, Harry.|It will soon all be over.
My dear mother, my dear brother,|lords and ladies of the Court.
Today there came into my possession|from the hands, My Lord,
of your faithful servant,|Dougal McAngus
certain letters, certain|rather extraordinary letters
concerning the lineage|of Prince Harry.
Letters? What is|so extraordinary about them?
Harry, they were written|by your mother...to your father.
Your father being, of course,|Donald, third Duke of Argyll.
I beg your pardon?
These letters are intimate.|Let me give you an example.
"Arundel, Thursday.|My dear hairy-wairy,
"often, as you sit|at table with my husband,
"probing into affairs of state,
- "I long for you to probe..."|- Edmund!
Are you sure|you know what you're saying?
As sure as Mother was|when she wrote:
"Dear big-boy, sail south.
"As you know, your galleon|is always assured
"a warm welcome in my harbour."
"Big-boy!" Mother!|Do you know about this?
What chance did I have?|I was a little foreign girl.
Then I must renounce the regency|and hie me to a monastery.
Edmund, you shall be Regent|until...your father returns.
- The King will not return.|- What?
When McAngus last saw him,
he was facing|half the Turkish army,
armed with|a small piece of cutlery.
So, Percy, if you'd start...
The King is dead.|Long live the King.
(All) The King is dead.|Long live the King.
- Probably dead.|- The King is probably dead.
(All) Long live the King.|The King is probably dead.
Long live the King. The King is...
(All) ..not dead.|Long live the King. Hurray!
Love! Death! War!
My companion in blood|and most trusted friend!
You made it!
I made it -|thanks to my trusty fruit knife.
Wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Who are you?
He's our son.
Oh, yes, of course... Enid.
My beloved father,|certain letters have come to light
which might change things|a bit around here.
Letters? What letters?
They speak of acts of love|between your wife and Donald,
the Gay Dog of the Glens.
"How I long to be in that kingdom|between saffron sheets,
"where you and your ruler|are the only ruler,
"and then acts of love consummated,
"oh, you enormous Scotsman."|Etc, etc.
These letters are dated|November and December 1460,
which, Harry,|in relation to your date of birth,
is precisely nine months...
..after I was born!
But about nine months|before your birth, Edmund.
I think you're the bastard, Edmund.
Silence! I want an explanation!
the reason I have|gathered you all here today
is to get some proper justice meted|out against this Scottish turd
who has clearly forged|these obviously fake letters.
Let me see!
No! I rip them up,
so no hint|of their filthy slander can remain!
You come, fresh from slaughtering|chocos when their backs were turned
and think you can upset|the harmony of a kingdom?
- I challenge you to a duel!|- To the death!
Um...yes, all right.
Excellent! After all,|it is St Leonard's Day -
there's meant to be|some entertainment!
Good, very good! Take your places.
It's the old times again, McAngus.
Three Turks and the human kebab!
How could I ever forget!
Very well. Let the killing begin!
Let's see the Black Adder|wriggle out of this one!
What's the hold-up?
Um...I'll give you|everything I own. Everything!
I...I'm hardly a rich man...
Hardly a man at all!
my horse must be|worth 1,000 ducats.
I can sell my wardrobe,|pride of my life.
My swords, my curtains,|my socks and my fighting cocks.
My servants I can live without -
except perhaps he who oils my rack.
And my most intimate treasures -
my collection|of antique cod-pieces,
my wigs for state occasions,
my wigs|for private occasions, and...
for humorous occasions.
My collection of pokers,
my grendle-stretchers,|my ornamental pomfreys
and of course, my autographed|miniature of Judas Iscariot.
(They all laugh)
That's not enough!
Ach, I'm only kidding!
Actually,|I'm quite interested in the wigs.
Hope life doesn't become too dull,
not being able|to pass laws over Scotland.
(Laughs weakly)|I wouldn't pass water over Scotland!
(He mumbles)|I'm fed up!
We're all terribly pleased|you're back, Father.
I miss the smell|of blood in my nostrils.
And the Queen's "got a headache".
But it's a fascinating week ahead.
The Archbishop of York
wants you to join|his formation Italian dance class.
- I ought to give him an answer.|- Honest, or tactful??
- Tell him to get stuffed!|- Right.
Has that hooligan McAngus left?
Edmund's giving him|a last look round the castle.
- I'll be sorry if he goes.|- (McAngus) Interesting!
So will Edmund.|They've become firm friends.
- (Boom)|- The Turks?
Father! Harry! There's been a messy|accident. You must come quickly!
Oh, God! I'll get my plunger!
# The sound of hoofbeats|cross the glade
# Good folk,|lock up your son and daughter
# Beware the deadly flashing blade
# Unless you want to end up shorter
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He rides a pitch-black steed
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# He's very bad indeed
# Black his gloves of finest mole
# Black his codpiece made of metal
# His horse is blacker than a vole
# His pot is blacker|than his kettle
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# With many a cunning plan
# Black Adder, Black Adder
# You horrid little man! #
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Belle and La Bete La (1946)
Bellinin And The Spynx CD1
Bellinin And The Spynx CD2
Bells Of St Marys The (1945)
Belly Of The Beast
Belly of an Architect The
Bend It Like Beckham
Bend of the River 1952
Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Benny and Joon
Best years of our lives 1946
Bet on My Disco
Better Off Dead 1985
Better Than Chocolate
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD1
Better Tomorrow 2 A CD2
Better Tomorrow 3 A
Better Way To Die A
Between Heaven and Hell
Beverly Hillbillies The 1993
Beverly Hills Ninja
Beyond Borders CD1
Beyond Borders CD2
Beyond The Clouds
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD1
Bez konca (No End 1985) CD2
Biches Les (Claude Chabrol 1968)
Bicho de sete cabezas
Big Blue The CD1
Big Blue The CD2
Big Bounce The
Big Chill The
Big Deal on Madonna Street (1958)
Big Fat Liar
Big Fish 2003
Big Hit The
Big Lebowski The
Big Mommas House
Big Shot - A Confessions of a Campus Bookie 2002
Big Sleep The
Big clock The 1948
Big girls dont cry
Billy Madison 1995
Bingwoo 2004 CD1
Bingwoo 2004 CD2
Bionicle 2 A Legends of Metru-Nui
Bionicle Mask Of Light 2003
Birch Tree Meadow The
Bird People in China The 1998 CD1
Bird People in China The 1998 CD2
Bird on a wire
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD1
Bishops Wife The 1947 CD2
Bite the bullet
Bitter Sugar (Azucar amarga)
BlackAdder 1x1 - The Foretelling
BlackAdder 1x2 - Born to be King
BlackAdder 1x3 - The Archbishop
BlackAdder 1x4 - The Queen of Spains Beard
BlackAdder 1x5 - Witchsmeller Pursuivant
BlackAdder 1x6 - The Black Seal
BlackAdder 2x1 - Bells
BlackAdder 2x2 - Head
BlackAdder 2x3 - Potato
BlackAdder 2x4 - Money
BlackAdder 2x5 - Beer
BlackAdder 2x6 - Chains
BlackAdder 4x1 - Captain Cook
BlackAdder 4x2 - Corporal Punishment
BlackAdder 4x3 - Major Star
BlackAdder 4x4 - Private Plane
BlackAdder 4x5 - General Hospital
BlackAdder 4x6 - Goodbyeee
BlackAdder Christmas Carol 1988
BlackAdder The Cavalier Years
BlackAdder the Third 3x1
BlackAdder the Third 3x2
BlackAdder the Third 3x3
BlackAdder the Third 3x4
BlackAdder the Third 3x5
BlackAdder the Third 3x6
Black Adder V - Back and Forth
Black Hawk Down
Black Mask 2
Black Rain CD1
Black Rain CD2
Black Widow 1987
Black and White (1998)
Blackout The 1997 CD1
Blackout The 1997 CD2
Blade 3 - Trinity
Blade Of Fury
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD1
Blade Runner (1982 Original Cut) CD2
Blade Runner Directors Cut
Blair Witch Project The
Blame It On Rio
Blast From The Past 1999
Blast from the Past
Blazing Sun (1960) CD1
Blazing Sun (1960) CD2
Bless The Child
Blind Chance (1987) CD1
Blind Chance (1987) CD2
Blind Spot Hitlers Secretary (2002)
Blob The 1988
Blood Wedding (1981)
Blood and Black Lace
Blow 2001 CD1
Blow 2001 CD2
Blow Dry 2001
Blown Away 1994 CD1
Blown Away 1994 CD2
Blue (Derek Jarman)
Blue Collar Comedy Tour The Movie
Blue Max The CD1
Blue Max The CD2
Blue Planet The 1
Blue Planet The 2 - The Deep
Blue Planet The 3 - Open Ocean
Blue Planet The 4 - Frozen Seas
Blue Spring 2001
Blue juice 1995
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD1
Blues Brothers The (1980) CD2
Boat Trip - Feedback Overflow
Bob Le Flambeur 1955
Bob Marley Story - Rebel Music
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bone Collector The
Bonnie and Clyde
Book of Fate The
Book of Pooh The
Boondock Saints The
Boot Das 1981 CD1
Boot Das 1981 CD2
Bourne supremacy The-1CD
Boy Who Saw The Wind The
Boys and Girls
Boyz N the Hood
Branca de Neve
Bread and Roses
Breakfast Club The
Breakfast at Tiffanys
Breakin all the rules
Bride with White Hair The
Bridge Man The CD1
Bridge Man The CD2
Broadway Danny Rose
Brother (Takeshi Kitano)
Brother Sun Sister Moon 1972
Brother from Another Planet The 1984
Brotherhood Of The Wolf
Buena Estrella La (Lucky Star)
Bugs Bunny - Baseball Bugs (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Big Top Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny Gets the Boid (1942)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs Bunny and the Three Bears (1944)
Bugs Bunny - Bugs and Thugs (1954)
Bugs Bunny - Bully for Bugs (1953)
Bugs Bunny - Frigid Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - Hair-Raising Hare (1946)
Bugs Bunny - Haredevil Hare (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Long Haired Hare (1949)
Bugs Bunny - My Bunny Lies Over the Sea (1948)
Bugs Bunny - Rabbits Kin (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943)
Bugs Bunny - Wabbit Twouble (1941)
Bugs Bunny - Water Water Every Hare (1952)
Bugs Bunny - Whats Up Doc (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Fire (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck - Rabbit Seasoning (1952)
Bugs Bunny and Elmer - Rabbit of Seville (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Taz - Devil May Hare (1954)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Ballot Box Bunny (1951)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Big House Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - Bunker Hill Bunny (1950)
Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam - High Diving Hare (1949)
Bugs Life A
Bullet in the Head
Bulletproof Monk 2003
Bullets Over Broadway
Bully (Unrated Theatrical Edition)
Burning Paradise (Ringo Lam 1994)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid A Special Edition
Butchers Wife The