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This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientifiic invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an anonymous call for help. The invention and its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht. Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly to the Batcave. And then, as they have done many times before as Batman and Robin, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed. Roger. Batmobile to airport. Red alert. Prepare Batcopter for takeoff. Batmobile approaching Batcopter. Red alert. Red alert. Gotham tower to all aircraft in the Gotham control zone. Enter your holding pattern. Batcopter cleared for takeoff. It's good to know they're doing their job. Batdrift angle, 0-3 to starboard. Roger. Correcting to port. Altitude 317. Sink rate .49. Drop Bat ladder. Bat ladder aweigh. Lock computer on afterdeck. Set automatic Bathold. Watch out, Batman. This could be tricky. I'll keep all my wits about me. So long...for a minute. Batman to Robin. Ease off on the power. Increase sink rate. Roger. Wilco. Take her up! Holy sardine! Hand me down the shark repellent Bat Spray. All right, enough pictures. This press conference must be brief, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Merrick, Gotham City Times. A transatlantic yacht approaching this city simply disappeared. Nonsense. How can a yacht disappear? It isn't true? I stand on my answer. Mr. Stanley. This yacht belonged to the Big Ben Distilleries. Right. Isn't the firm's proprietor, Commodore Schmidlapp, bringing with him a fantastic new invention? No more ship questions. What about that exploding shark? Doubtless an unfortunate animal who chanced to swallow a floating mine. You, Miss... Comrade Kitanya Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff. I am from the Moscow Bugle. You grace us with your presence. Take off the mask to give the better picture. Batman take off his mask? The woman must be mad. Please. This young lady is a stranger. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant. Impossible? Indeed. If Robin and I removed our masks, our true identities would be revealed. Destroying their value as ace crimefiighters. Commissioner Gordon and meself don't even know their identities. Our own relatives don't know. But your so-curious costumes. Don't be put off by them. Under this garb, we're ordinary Americans. You are like the masked vigilantes. Batman and Robin are deputized agents of the law. Support your police. That's our message. Well said, and no better way to end this press conference. Thank you. Good day. Come on. Everybody out now. Get them out. You allayed their fears. If I'd told the truth, panic would grip the city. Sure, and what is the truth? A decoy. An anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger. A fiiendish attempt on Batman's life. You mean the commodore's yacht was being hijacked someplace else? Precisely. And who behind it? What known supercriminals are at large now? I'll check at once. Let's have the latest report on known supercriminals at large. Coming up, Batman, on the TV screen. Status report-- known supercriminals not currently in prison. The Penguin. That master of fowl play, maestro of a million criminal umbrellas. TheJoker! If I had a nickel for every time he's baffled us! The Riddler loose, too? To plague us with his criminal conundrums. Gosh! And the Catwoman. End of status report. Could be any one of them, but which one? Which ones? Pretty fishy what happened to me. Where there's a fish, there could be a penguin. But wait. It happened at sea. See? "C" for Catwoman. Yet... an exploding shark was pulling my leg. TheJoker! It adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler? Oh, a thought strikes me, so dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance. The four of them. Their forces combined. Holy nightmare! Batman, could it be? I don't know, but I think I know where to fiind a clue. Come on, Robin. To the Batcave. We haven't one moment to lose! Ahoy, Catwoman. Imbecile, I told you, never use my real name in public! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! You and your trained exploding shark! How should I know they'd have a can of shark repellent Bat Spray handy? Why, you sniveling sardine! You pompous, puffed-up penguin! Oh, friends, make peace. Have a shake on me. Ajoke a day keeps the gloom away. Sic 'em, Hecate. Scratch out their eyes. Take away that ravenous panther. I'll feed him to the birds. I'll incapacitate the beast with confetti. United Underworld. Ha! We're about as united as the United World Headquarters on Gotham East River. She's right. She's right. If we don't manage to swallow our supercriminal pride-- Right, Mr. Riddler! We must hang together, or assuredly we shall hang separately. And on the eve of the greatest criminal coup. How did it go, Catwoman? Purr-fectly. Purr-fectly. In my disguise as Kitka, I penetrated their press conference. The fools are completely baffled. Yeah, but undrowned. Yes, unfortunately. Batman's boots didn't even look damp. [Meow] Does our prisoner know he's been kidnapped? No. He just keeps ringing for tea. [Ring] There he goes again. Take it to him. [Foghorn] [Knock On Door] Come in. Your tea, Commodore Schmidlapp. Oh, thank you, steward. Jolly good service aboard this yacht. We strive to give satisfaction, sir. Your face has the most ghastly pallor. Are you getting enough sea air? My duties keep me mostly undercover. How much longer will this yacht remain here fogbound off the Grand Banks? I really couldn't say, sir. Gives me a chance to read my Dickens. I would like to get to Gotham City. I've a clever invention with me. Should be worth millions. Pip-pip. Pip-pip to you, sir. If you wish anything, just ring. [Foghorn] [Foghorn] [Clang] Commodore Schmidlapp's invention in our hands, the whole world almost literally in our grasp, and Batman and Robin are still alive to block us. Everything pip-pip with the prisoner. He hasn't a clue. I bet the dynamic duo has, and when they solve that, of course they'll be out to investigate. We'll be there fiirst. If we hurry, that is. Catwoman, you tend to this headquarters. Attention, you unfathomable fiinks! - Yo ho! - Yo ho! Call down to our secret dock. Prepare our submarine for sea. - Yo ho! - Yo ho! Yo ho what? - Sir! - Sir! Holy Merlin the magician! Get set for a shock. The Batcamera was aimed right at the yacht. So my strange hunch was right. I don't get it. No one can make a seagoing vessel simply disappear, provided it was ever really there at all. You mean... Precisely, Robin. The yacht we thought we saw was a mere illusion, a tricky projection akin to the desert mirage. It was blocked by the Batcamera's polarized Batfiilter. I know where that projection came from. Observe that bell buoy. What's the matter with it? The coordinates of our position were 10.3 x 69-B. Feed those fiigures into the navigational aid computer. No legal bell buoy at that position. Ha! As I surmised. An illegal projection buoy cleverly camouflaged. Maybe the crooks left fiingerprints. Good thinking, Robin. To the Batboat, fast! One thing I don't dig, Batman. Oh? What happened to the real ship? Taken to some island hideaway with every soul aboard, save one. Commodore Schmidlapp? Precisely. The hijackers needed him or his invention as part of their criminal scheme. Watch the scope. Watch for suspicious vessels. I'm watching, Batman. We've got the ocean to ourselves. [Blip] [Blip] [Blip] [Blip] Diving planes, Mr. Bluebeard. Hoist her 3 degrees. Yo ho! I hope you know what you're doing. Mr. Riddler, I ignore your insipid insinuation, sir. Waa! You're leaning on the current control. Don't sound so bossy, if you please. As the poet says, "On land, you may command. At sea, it is me." [Whistle] Now hear this. This is your captain speaking. We're approaching the tricky buoy. Sharpen your cutlasses. There may be skullduggery ahead. Yo ho! What? Unidentifiied small craft. Bearing 113. Mr. Bluebeard, hold her steady. Up periscope. Yo ho! Up periscope. Waa waa. Great quivering icebergs! Just as I hoped. Watch your step, Robin. An underwater shark cage. The source of that fiiendish fiish. What cruelty, stuffiing a shark with TNT. True. Nothing's sacred to those devils. Torpedoes! What are we waiting for? Chain of command. The Penguin runs a taut ship. Load the torpedo tubes. Yo ho! Load torpedo tubes. Salt and corrosion, the infamous old enemies of the crimefiighter. No prints here. Look here, Batman. That tricky mirage projector must be behind this plate. What a set of superpower lenses! No wonder we were fooled. Look, Robin. Holy Long John Silver! A pirate periscope! He's spotted us! Set torpedoes to automatic homing. Set torpedoes to automatic homing. You crazy bird, fiire them off quickly! Mr. Morgan, kindly activate the remote control Penguin magnet inside that buoy. Yo ho! Holy glue pot! What's going on? The fiiends! They've converted this buoy into a gigantic magnet. It's got us by the metal in our utility belts. Torpedo tubes armed. Waa! Batman, we're helpless in this monstrous, invisible grip. Steady. I see one hope. What, Batman? If I could just pry loose my utility belt transmitter... Mr.Joker, are you ready to fiire? Ready to fiire! 5... 4... 3... 2... fiire 1 ! Fire 1 ! Torpedoes! If I could just reverse the polarity, send out waves of superenergy. [Weeee] What happened? Mr.Joker, fiire 2! Fire 2! Waa waa waa. Here comes another one! [Weeee] You and your reconditioned war surplus torpedoes! He must be using a superenergy reverse polarizer. Mr.Joker, fiire 3! Fire 3! Ha ha ha! Here comes the third one, Batman. [Weeee] Confound it! The batteries are dead! This one's getting through. It is. It's getting through. [Kaboom] Yo ho! Yo ho ho ho! Surface, Mr. Bluebeard, surface. Let us feast our eyes on the watery remains. Gosh, Batman, the nobility of the almost-human porpoise. It was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that fiinal torpedo. He gave his life for ours. Please give me the Pentagon in Washington, Please give me the Pentagon in Washington, Navy department. Oops. Too bad. [Ring] Admiral Fangschliester's offiice. Hello. Batman speaking. Hello. Who is it? Batman. Oh, Batman. Ahoy! What can I do for you? Have you recently sold any war surplus submarines, and if so, to whom? I'll have to look that up. [Whistling Anchors Aweigh] Keep practicing. Answer affiirmative, Batman. We disposed of a war surplus submarine last Friday, a preatomic model, to some chap named P.N. Gwynne. P.N. Gwynne? The Penguin. Did this P.N. Gwynne leave an address? No,just a post offiice box number. No, thank you, Admiral. You've been very helpful. Your tone sounds rather grim. Have we done anything foolish? Disposing of preatomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their addresses... Good day, Admiral. Gosh. The Penguin in command of a preatomic submarine. Grave situation, Robin. If only we knew... [Rumbling] Holy Polaris! From that submarine, no doubt. That missile, look. It's written something. A riddle in the form of a joke. Let's race back to headquarters. You know what this means, don't you? Our blackest fears confiirmed. Penguin,Joker, Riddler, their forces combined. For heaven knows what infamous objective. It may be worse than that. Look at this pair of joking riddles. "What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?" He gobbles up. And number two. "What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree, and is very dangerous?" A sparrow with a machine gun. Now combine both answers. What kind of creature would gobble up a bird in a tree? Heaven protect us! - A cat! - A cat! Yes, gentlemen. The criminal catalyst in this entire affair, our old archenemy Catwoman. Penguin,Joker, Riddler, and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate. They're working together to take over-- Gotham City? Any two of them might try that. The whole country? If it were three of them, but four! Their minimum objective must be... the entire world. The United World Building, dear comrades in crime. Our objective-- the Security Council. Sitting like fat birds in a tree waiting to be snatched, and you bungled it again! Again the dynamic duo escaped our trap! Faugh! Passing porpoises which intercept torpedoes! There ought to be a piscatorial statute. We've got to get Batman before he gets us. Perhaps I could lure him into the fatal embrace of an exploding octopus. They've just survived one of your fiishy explosions! I suppose they'll be broken up by your moldy jokes! I see the way to do it. We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it here. How? How? The end. The end. Oh. Hee hee hee! We shall spring them from theJoker's jack-in-the-box through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of the Penguin's exploding octopus. The trigger-- one of my riddles, of course. And the bait... You, Catwoman. When Batman spots her, he'll bop her with a Batarang. You don't understand,Joker. She'll be disguised as Kitka, and as Kitka, she shall lure some millionaire into a kidnap trap... with a clever clue pointing here. Which will make Batman race to the rescue. Who are we going to kidnap? Ah. I know the perfect victim. I know the perfect victim! Bruce Wayne, the millionaire head of that disgusting, do-gooding Wayne Foundation. Delicious! Just the sort of square citizen Batman will dash to rescue. Then, snap! Into the combination trap. Purr-fect, Riddler. Purr-fect. Comrade Wayne? My name is Kitanya Irenya Tatanya Karenska Alisoff. I'm from the Moscow Bugle. My friends call me Kitka. Kitka. Kitka. A charming acronym. Thank you, Comrade Wayne. The Wayne Foundation is known from Leningrad to Kamchatka. It works for peace. Your picture has appeared countless times in the Moscow Bugle. I'm most grateful. I wasn't aware of that. Oh, da. Da. You found these riddles written on Wayne Foundation stationery slipped under the door of your borrowed penthouse apartment? Yes, Comrade Wayne. I thought it was some foolishness, then I remembered. Is there not a bourgeois criminal cad called the Riddler, who preys upon the workers of America? Your jargon is quaint. There is such a creature. What do we do now? Report these riddles to your police or perhaps to that masked cossack, Batman? That's hardly necessary. Doubtless, it's the work of some harmless crank. Nevertheless, shall we give this matter further consideration over dinner tonight? Oh, what a purr-fectly lovely idea. I'll telephone, if you'll excuse me, to cancel a previous engagement. Alfred will see you to the door. Do vechera. Do vechera, Comrade Wayne. Alfred, see Miss Kitka out. Take the service elevator to the Batcave. Emergency. Robin, listen to these riddles. Tell me if you interpret them as I do. "What has yellow skin and writes?" A ball-point banana. "What people are always in a hurry?" Rushing people... Russians! What would you say they mean? Banana. Russian. I've got it! Someone Russian will slip on a banana peel and break their neck. The only possible meaning. A clear threat to Miss Kitka. Who? Miss Kitka. The charming Russian journalist from the Moscow Bugle. In some baffling way, she must have unwittingly stumbled on the criminals' plot. What is the scheme, sir? Bruce Wayne will go out with Miss Kitka. A not displeasing chore. I've rarely met a girl who's such a potent argument in favor of international relations. Dog our footsteps in the Batmobile. Keep watch via the micro-TV Batscanner. If Riddler tries his fiilthy tricks-- I'll bash him. Then we close in with the police. Alfred, do you have your driver's license? In my wallet, sir. Drive carefully. This may be a most memorable night. Plaisir d'amour Ne dure qu'un moment Chagrin d'amour Dure toute la vie J'ai tout quitte Pour I'ingrate Sylvie Elle me quitte Et prend un autre amant... This curtain which separates our countries is so foolish. If we could just contrive some way of getting more deeply involved with each other. Oh, da. Da. We must search for such a method. [Whispering] It's not right for us to listen in to this. Some things have to be private, even for a crimefiighter. Your discretion is admirable. Time for another check-in, is it not, Master Robin? Roger. [Beeping] Commissioner. Yes? Oh. Yes, Boy Wonder. Batmobile position, Gotham Central Park. Proceeding south on West Drive, about to pass Benedict Arnold monument. Still in the park? It's been an hour! What are they doing? No comment, Commissioner. Let's just say no sign of criminal activity. Uh, yes, I understand. I've just thought of a clever ruse. Have Chief O'Hara flash the Batsignal from the roof. Certainly, Boy Wonder, but why? The crooks will fiigure we're racing to headquarters. Thinking it's safe, they might try to get Miss Kitka. Clever. Devilishly clever. Thank you, sir. Batmobile over. Right. Chief O'Hara, dash to the roof. Flash the Batsignal. Yes, sir. Shades of Smolensk! What is that? Incredible. I don't-- Ah. Of course. How clever. Clever, Comrade Wayne? I mean, clever device, Miss Kitka. It's the famous Batsignal flashed from the roof of police headquarters. Batman and Robin must be racing there now. Then you got the police to call them in for my protection. Hmm? Yes. Oh, how purr-fectly wonderful of you. Mmm. I close my eyes and I dream of those savage cossacks racing over the Steppes on their brutal mission. How strange. I close my eyes and I dream of something quite astonishingly different. Da. Da. Keep your eyes closed. Continue with this dream. The dream continues. Da. Da. [Beeping] It approaches a climax. Nyet. Not so fast. Be more slow. Miss Kitka. May I see you home to that borrowed penthouse apartment? He's swallowed the cat bait. Now to make him Bat bait! Finks, Morgan, Bluebeard, and Quetch, break out the jet-pack umbrellas. Excuse me. I'll slip into something more comfortable while your cocoa is warming. Is that prudent, Master Robin? Our instructions were to keep watch. I don't know about prudent, Alfred, but it's the only decent thing to do. Hmm. Perhaps. Yes. Yes. Waa waa waa! Ha ha ha! Waa waa waa! Ah! There it is! 73rd Street and Concord Avenue. Hee hee hee! Follow me! Down to the terrace! Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! And all my days are trances, and all my nightly dreams are where thy dark eye glances and where thy footstep gleams. Ochi chemnie, Comrade Wayne. Edgar Allen Poe, Miss Kitka. To One in Paradise. First stanza. About that dream you had... Do we dare? Why not? Yes, of course. Of what use is a dream if not a blueprint for courageous action? Oh, into action, comrade! Miss Kitka, I have the strangest feeling I am about to be utterly and madly carried away. [Footsteps] [Door Opens] This is a kidnapping! Our joke's on you! You fiilthy criminals. [Hiss Hiss] Much as one deplores indiscretion, Master Robin-- You're right, Alfred. I'll just take one tiny peek. Holy demolition! Cover the exits, Alfred. I'll race up there with my Batrope. Holy Halloween! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee! Meeooww! Meeooww! Ha ha ha! Batman should have been here hours ago. Perhaps you didn't leave a clear enough clue in your apartment. Of course I did! It's all set! He puts his foot here, my jack-in-the-box fiires, shooting him through the window and into the arms of Penguin's exploding octopus. What a deliciously humorous trajectory! And nothing to link us with the crime! Hee hee hee! Waa waa! You abominable outlaws! What have you done with Miss Kitka? She's quite well, Mr. Wayne. I swear by heaven, if you've harmed that girl, I'll kill you all. I'll rend you limb from limb! Ha ha ha! Mr. Wayne, must you be so impulsive? Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee! Where is she, Catwoman? Show me Miss Kitka, or I'll wreck this place with my dying breath! Blindfold the captive. Lead him down the labyrinthine path to chamber 17. Ha ha ha! Waa waa! Ha ha ha! Waa waa! Waa waa! Two minutes. No more. Ha ha ha! Turn on the secret microphone. Yo ho. Miss Kitka? Comrade Wayne. Are you all right? Da. Da. I'll curse myself forever. This nasty soup we're in is largely of my own brewing. If I hadn't let your beauty lull me off guard... Off guard, comrade? Some things I cannot disclose. Suffiice it to say we're in the hands of the underworld's most vicious foursome. We have nothing to look forward to but death. It may not be that black, Comrade Wayne. Batman and Robin are probably hot on our trail. From something I happened to overhear, I think we are bait for Batman. Once he is in their trap, we will be released. A slender hope, Miss Kitka. More slender than you can know. You do not think Batman will get here? That I cannot say. Did you overhear mention of another prisoner of this rotten gang? No, I did not, Mr. Wayne. Who on earth could you mean? [Bell Rings] Commodore Schmidlapp ringing for his tea. It doesn't matter. Speedy escape is our only hope. A moment, while I think. Why didn't I think of it sooner? Of what, Comrade Wayne? I have a tiny radio transmitter strapped above my left elbow. What a curious device to carry. Not at all. Capitalists like myself who carry large sums of money often have such safety contrivances. Quickly. Wiggle around back to back. Maybe you can reach it with your fiingers. Da. Let's get him. Ha ha ha! There we are. Ha ha ha! There we are. You think you're clever, don't you? Clever enough to outwit you. Well, we'll see about that. Dear colleagues, let's see what's strapped about this fellow's left elbow. Credulous creatures! I knew you'd be listening in. I told you that fiish story about a radio. Get him, Mollycoddles! Aah! Miss-- Miss Kitka, where are you? Great day in the morning! Dick, we're late for that demonstration. Excuse us, Commissioner. But Great Scott, how did you escape? With the aid of Batman. Thank goodness. He may wish to call you at police headquarters. And so, my fiine fiinkish friends, you have heard my astounding proposal. What do you say? Our strike cannot be postponed. We are at the mercy of the Gotham river tide. Riddler's right for once. It's now or never. Make up your minds! Batman will never come here, but the police will any instant. So to the Penguin's princely plan, is it yes or no? I say it's crazy, but let's try it. We have to do something. Oh, go ahead, Penguin. Mr.Joker, drop one of your little dream pills into Commodore Schmidlapp's tea. Presto! Then carry him to the submarine. Yo ho! Mr. Riddler, will you tell Mr. Quetch to fetch the fiive guinea pigs? Ah. Quetch, fetch the fiive guinea pigs. Yo ho! Waa waa waa waa! Oh. Oh. Waa waa! Waa waa. Yo ho ho, sir! Now, my fiine fiishy fiinks, you see here Commodore Schmidlapp's piece de no resistance. An instant whiskeymaker! Waiting for us to put it to more universal use. Now, don't be afraid. You'll feel nothing. Now, I am merely going to temporarily extract every bit of moisture from your bodies. It's a painless operation. Ooh. Waa! Waa waa! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee! Waa! Waa waa waa waa waa waa waa! Delightful! Dehydrating! Catwoman, will you get a dustpan? Put every one of them very carefully into separate vials. All right! Mr. Riddler, would you prepare the submarine to get underway? I'll prepare a demolition charge of terrifying thrust to welcome the police. Where do we meet? United World Building on the ninth floor. One hour? One hour. Waa waa waa. Oh, what mere criminal genius, Catwoman. Who else but a genius could conceive such an audacious plot to deliberately trick Batman and Robin into inviting me into their secret Batcave with fiive dehydrated, death-dealing pirates at my command? Careful, careful. Waa waa. Every one of them has a mother. Out with Batarang and Batrope. Stand clear. With people in weird outfiits like the supercrooks hanging around here, it's amazing someone hasn't reported this place to the police. It's a low neighborhood full of rum pots. They're used to curious sights which they attribute to alcoholic delusions. I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes. There was somebody walking up the wall. Ready with superblinding Batpellets. Away, Robin. Away! Come on, Batman! Batman! Miss Kitka! Miss K-- [Band Playing Bringing In The Sheaves] Aw! Quick, everyone, flee for your lives! Into the street! Ah! Oh! Aah! Ah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! [Band Playing] Some days you just can't get rid of a bomb. [Kaboom] Batman! Batman! It's all right, Robin. Holy heart failure! I disposed of that bomb in time and shielded myself behind these heavy iron pipes. You risked your life to save that riffraff in the bar? They may be drinkers, but they're also human beings and may be salvaged. I had to do it. We've lost Miss Kitka's trail. Stranded without a clue! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know. Holy costume party. That's the Penguin. What's his game, I wonder? What's your game, Penguin? Penguin? Waa waa waa waa. My name's Schmidlapp, old boy, Schmidlapp. Your fiingerprints will settle that hash, Penguin. We'll check them against our mobile anticrime fiile. Let's see your hands. Waa waa waa waa waa waa. Looks like plastic-coated fiingertips. I scorched myself pressing a waistcoat. I do believe that the attending surgeon did use plastic. It looks bad, Batman. This brassy bird has us buffaloed. Not quite. There's one method of identifiication which no criminal can evade. Retinal eye patterns? He's right, Robin. Tiny blood vessels in the retina of the eye, as individual as a fiingerprint. Don't you have an anticriminal eye-pattern fiile in your Batcave? Take me there. You'd submit yourself to a test? Of course. Might be an amusing experience. Stand by to catch him. I'll give him the Batgas. What's that? The Batgas? A harmless anesthetic to prevent you from seeing the entrance to the Batcave. If anyone knew that, they'd know our identities. Ready...Commodore? Oh, I say, what deucedly strange customs you colonials have. Well, I'm ready. This could be the break we've been looking for. Why did he let us bring him here? We'll soon fiind out. Stay on the alert. After I give him the Batwake, we must be ready for anything. Waa waa waa waa! Waa. Oh, it's you. We're here, eh? I see. Oh, what's this? Oh, say, this is extraordinary. It's absolutely extraordinary. I must say that your laboratory exceeds the limits of man's wildest imagination. Absolutely. Could I trouble you for a glass of water? Your Batgas has left me with a parched sensation. The drinking-water dispenser is clearly marked. Oh, yes. Thank you. Thank you very much, sir. Thank you. Help yourself. Slake your thirst. You'll have worse than a parched sensation when we're through with you. Perhaps. I am appalled by your attitude. I mean, condemning me before the facts have been authoritatively established. Thus you are abrogating my constitutional rights, sir. my constitutional rights, sir. All set, Batman. Time to rip off your false feathers. Coming, Batman, I'm coming at once! Waa waa waa! Holy hallucination! I wish it were, Robin. It's fiive dehydrated pirates rehydrated. Shiver 'em from stem to stern! Yo ho ho, sir! Attack them, you faltering fake! Waa waa waa! The pirates, they're gone. How'd it happen? Whoever dehydrated those pirates could not have foreseen their rehydration with the heavy water used to recharge the atomic pile! Which naturally left them highly unstable. You saw it yourself, Robin. The slightest impact was suffiicient to instantly reduce them to antimatter. Antimatter? You mean they won't be coming back? No, Robin. Not in this universe. Let that be an object lesson in the dangers of tampering with Mother Nature. My apologies, Commodore Schmidlapp. It's clear I've done you a cruel injustice. You have? You were duped, brainwashed. The criminals planted those dehydrated thugs on your person. You were obviously under the influence of posthypnotic suggestion when you rehydrated them. Come on down, Commodore. Another sniff of Batgas and we'll all return to the city. Waa waa. Waa waa. Are you sure you didn't hurt your head? Perfectly. Swallow this pill. Give our friend a whiff of Batwake. Waa waa! Good morning. [Boom] What's wrong, Batman? Manifold pressure's dropping. We'd better stop and check it. Sorry about that, Commodore. Won't take a minute. Oh, yes, you will! Hey! Waa waa. Waa waa. Yo ho! Away we go in my Birdmobile! One side, caped crusader. You O.K.? Yes. Thanks for that anti-Penguin gas pill. Quickly, via Batcycle to the Batcopter. We'll track him to the new hideout. Disengage go-cart. Batscanner tracking the stolen Batmobile perfectly! Port 2 degrees. Steady as she goes. Yo ho! Port 2 degrees. We're almost there. Riddler, where are you going? To fiire off some more riddling clues. Riddler! You're mad, Riddler. Penguin's fiinished Batman by now. That miserable, waddling mountebank of a bird. He couldn't fiinish a bag of popcorn! So say Penguin failed. All the more reason not to hand them your clues. But I must. Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise. Hee hee hee! Riddler, come back! Stolen Batmobile turning, now heading up Gotham River Drive. 1... Polaris-type missile coming right for us! This may be tricky. Damage. The tail rotor disengaged! Brace yourself, Robin. We're going down. This could be the end! Now to fiind my riddling Polaris skywriter. Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee! Look! Look, the dynamic duo! Ha ha ha! Meow! I got them. I got them. Holy horseshoe! Some luck, landing on a bed of foam rubber! The odds against it would make the most reckless gambler cringe. I spotted it out of the corner of my eye. [Roaring] That crazy missile wrote two more riddles. An egg. Make applesauce! Apples into applesauce-- A unifiication into one smooth mixture. An egg--nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes. A unifiication and a container of hope? United World Organization! There's a special meeting of the Security Council today. Let's commandeer a taxi! Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tiptop condition. It'll be faster if we run. [Blip] [Blip] We are now passing through the grotto. Depth, 1 /2 fathom. Engines, dead slow astern. Yo ho, slow astern. Meeeeooooowwwww. Good.Just as the blueprint said-- An abandoned construction elevator. Hecate, see about the weak spot. [Meow] [Meow] I hope Penguin made it. Who needs him? Stand back! Ha ha ha! Hey, can't you read? Fine day for Penguins. Waa waa! Waa waa waa. Yo ho, my criminal coconspirators. We meet as planned. The dynamic duo has been silenced forever. Blasted from the sky by an incredible coincidence. The irony of it all! Downed by Riddler's Polaris skywriter. Oh, happy happenstance! Hold your breath. There are still lingering traces of my Penguin gas. Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch. Let's hope it's a stitch that saves nine-- The nine members of the Security Council. Rosh shalom. Non solamente en Europa! Une propre attitude belligere. Accord! Accord! Main passa! It is the opinion of Her Majesty's government that we pursue peace. Our poor United World in microcosm. I'm afraid they'll fiind our humor very dry. My country understands your position, but we must pursue... Shinsh, shinsh. Nipon, heiwa. Verstehen sie, frieden ist die hauptsache! Protivopolothno vsemu chto ja... It has been our policy-- Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Meow! Quickly now, each one in a separate vial, and, boys... don't anybody sneeze. Ha ha ha! Waa waa waa! Ha ha ha! Emergency! Seal this building! Turn off the ventilating system! The Security Council may have been dehydrated! Emergency, operator, emergency! Get me security! Emergency, operator, emergency. Up, up, up, up... Up! Surrender, you criminals! United Underworld is through! Faugh, what's this? An apparition? One move and you'll fiind out. We'll hurl our Batarangs. To the elevator. Catwoman, stop. You don't mean that. Miss Kitka dies if you take one more step. Go! This way, Robin. The Security Council, gone! What a fiiendishly clever way to abduct nine men from a heavily guarded building. Where does that elevator go? Downstairs, obviously, to an abandoned submarine dock. Holy Captain Nemo! They'll head for sea through Short Island Sound. We have just one trump card left, Robin. Heaven help the world if we fail. Come on! [Blip] [Blip] [Blip] [Blip] Down periscope. We're over the last bar. Mr. Bluebeard, all engines full ahead. Yo ho! All engines full ahead. A delightful haul! Mr. Riddler, will you prepare those nine radio ransom messages? All right. No stupid riddles. Make those messages plain. $1 billion cash from each country. Precisely, Mr. Riddler. To be delivered to our secret island by trained carrier pigeons which I shall provide. No whimsical embellishments, please. Make those messages clear! Ha ha ha! Make those messages clear. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ooh, it's like a dream, Pengy-sweet. Nothing can stop us now. Waa! Sonar contact. Range 8,000. Bearing 181. Yo ho! Sonar contact. Small craft at 7,500. What? Small craft? It's moving incredibly fast. Range is 7,000. It's the Batboat. Faugh! Drat that cockleshell! Steady on the diving plane. Yo ho! I'll man the torpedo tubes. Mr. Riddler, would you fiire a surface-to-surface underwater homing missile? [Meow] Missile ahoy! It has a homing device. Get ready for evasive action! It's tracking us. Here, take my Batradio. I looked it up. That class of missile receives on a wavelength of 164.1. 164.1. Quickly, send a jamming signal! [Beep Beep] [Roaring] It's starting down! Farewell, Batman! Farewell, dynamic duo! Holy Bikini! That was close! Yo ho, small craft still closing. Range 4,000. Bearing 88. They know how to jam our missiles! Up to periscope depth! Yo ho! Up to periscope depth. [Blip] [Blip] Range 3,500. Get the Batcharge launcher. Roger. They hold the world's most eminent men in dehydrated condition. Our task is not to sink that sub, merely to make it surface. Forward torpedo tubes prepare to fiire. Yo ho! Forward torpedo tubes prepare to fiire. 5... 4... 3... 2... Torpedoes... fiire! Torpedoes fiire! Torpedoes away! Ha ha ha! Dive, Mr. Bluebeard, dive. Yo ho! Down periscope! Down periscope! Torpedo wakes off the port bow. Fire Batcharges when in range. Waa waa waa. No, that's too soon. It must be Batcharges. There'll be more of the dratted things meant for us! Where has your submarine got us now? Shut up, you feline floozy! Mr. Bluebeard, down 30 fathoms. Run silent. Run deep. They're diving. Engines are silent. We'll circle them at full Batspeed, diminishing radius of curvature. Roger. Mr. Quetch, what's their bearing? I don't know. What? It's changing. They must be circling us. Fire when ready, Robin. I'll maintain curvature. Waa waa. Waa. Compartments A, B, and C are taking green water. Ah! Penguin, you know I can't take water! Oh, you cowardly kitten. You want to live forever? Waa! This bird has flown around the bend. Too cuckoo to land! Riddler,Joker, do something. We weren't meant for a watery grave! Aah! [Whistle] Now hear this. Now hear this. Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface! Cut the Batcharges. They've had enough, I imagine. You're right. They're surfacing fast. Estimated surfacing position? 200 yards. Here they come! Diminishing speed. Ready to board. Roger. Ha ha ha! Pirates to arms! Prepare to repel boarders! Hee hee hee! Strike your colors. We've not yet begun to fiight. Attack! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! [Meow] [Meow] [Clang] Bon voyage, pussy. Waa! Waa! Waa waa. [Meow] Holy heartbreak! Miss Kitka. Plaisir d'amour Ne dure qu'un moment Chagrin d'amour Dure toute la vie Batman, l-- Say no more, Robin. It could be compromising. Of course. It's just one of those things in the life of every crimefiighter. Snap on the Batcuffs. Batman to Coast Guard. There is a drifting submarine 2 miles east of Sandy Nose lightship. It's fiilled with human jetsam. Take it in tow. Robin, over here. Look. The hope of the entire world, tottering on the brink. Holy almost! It might have been shattered before our very eyes! Up with you, Catwoman. Where's my tea? What is this? The captain's costume party? Ah... choo! Holy jumble! Where's the hope of the world now? Bat-centrifuge at 3 2,000 RPMs. Increase angstrom force in vector "X". Vector "X" up one notch. [Phone Beeps] [Beep] [Beep] [Beep] [Beep] [Beep] Yes, Commissioner? What progress, Batman? Is there hope? There's always hope. You know that. Can you and the Boy Wonder separate that mingled dust back into its constituent members? With all modesty, Commissioner, if we can't, heaven knows who can. Truer words were never spoken. Howdy, y'all. How are those boys doing? Batman says there's hope, Mr. President. What more can one ask? The free world is waiting. Tell Batman I wish him luck. I needn't tell you with whom I have just spoken. Ready for separation. Then I'll activate the computer link, feed in the various ethnic and national factors. Batman, wait. What? With the way the world is, don't you think we ought to try to improve those factors? No. It's not for mortals like us to tamper with nature. You saw a ghastly example of what happens when one tries to do that. Gosh, yes, Batman. When you put it that way... Here we go. [Whiiirrrrr] [Beep] Yes? Separation accomplished. Ready to rehydrate. Separation accomplished. They are ready to rehydrate. We are ready to rehydrate. They are ready to rehydrate. A solemn moment, gentlemen. One of dedication and humble supplication. Robin... prepare to rehydrate. Ready to rehydrate. Turn on the water faucet. [Water Running] [Water Running] [Water Running] Success! Success! They've done it! They've done it! Success! Success! We've done it! Success! Success! Aso, aso, heiwa, heiwa. America, shinah. [Speaking Russian] What the... Interest of peace, you must listen. Shalom. Rosh shalom. Shalom. Es ist ausgeschlossen. Mein land mochte frieden. Horen sie mich, bitte. [Speaking Swahili] L 'espana quierre la paz-- La paz del mundo. Gentlemen, it is absolutely imperative that we limit our conversation. C'est fou, tout le bavard. Ecoutez, ecoutez, s'il vous plait. Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity. Let's go, but inconspicuously... through the window. We'll use our Batropes. Our job is fiinished. |
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