Guide to Serials and Shows Funny Jokes and Anecdotes
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Red Dwarf 03x01 - BackwardsClick here to download subtitles file for the movie "Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards"Click here to download the movie "Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards"Relevant Links:Red Dwarfbrown dwarf dwarf cornel dwarf elk dwarf star dwarf tree More Links:- Cat? - Mmm? - You ever see "The Flintstones"? - Sure. Do you think Wilma's sexy? Wilma Flintstone? Maybe we've been in deep space too long, but every time I see that show, she drives me crazy. - Is it me? - Well, I think, in all probability, Wilma Flintstone is the most desirable woman who ever lived. That's good. I thought I was going strange. - She's incredible. - What do you think of Betty? Betty Rubble? Well, I would go with Betty... but I'd be thinking of Wilma. This is crazy. We're talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone. You're right. We're nuts. This is an insane conversation. She'll never leave Fred, and we know it. Holly, clipboard and pen, please. - Well, Krytie, today's the day. - But, sir, I'm just not ready. - Six weeks is just not long enough. - Ten-thirty. Name? - You know my name. - If this works, it's a new lease of life for us, but we've got to do it by the book. It's just when you go into "official mode", my anxiety chip goes into overdrive. - Name? - K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K... K- K-K-K-K-K-K-K... I'll just put Kryten. - Can you see that space vehicle? - Where? Oh, that one. Yes, sir. And can you read the registration for me, please? - Starbug 1? - Right, show me to your vehicle. Right, in your own time, start the space vehicle, proceed through the cargo bay doors and off into outer space. Once through the doors, proceed directly to the nearest planet. Once there, bring the vehicle to a halt and then carefully reverse into the planet's orbit, remembering to pay due care and attention to any other space users. Right, in your own time. In your own time. I've failed, haven't I? - Just proceed. - You'll hold it against me. - One mistake. - Please. Antigrav, check. Retro, check. Boosters, check. And very gently ease forward... I think there's something wrong with the gearbox. The thing is, I learned to drive in Starbug 2. I'm not used to the controls in Starbug 1. - They're exactly the same. - Yes. That's the problem. Next, transfer to autopilot, while we conduct the recognition... - .. tests. - Engage autopilot. Autopilot engaged. Well, I say "autopilot". It's not really. It's Muggins here who has to do it. - Right, what's that one? - Heavy traffic. Keep in lane. - That one? - Danger. Space mirages ahead. At half the speed of light, what is the stopping distance? - Four years, three months. - And the thinking time? A fortnight. - Space phenomena. What's that? - A pulsar. - And that? - A binary star. - What's that? - A time hole! - Don't help him. - It's a time hole! - It's nothing like a time hole. - It is. - It is! It's a time hole! - A time hole is a rare phenomenon, which, legend has it, transports us into another part of space and time. That is obviously a blue giant about to go supernova. THAT is a time hole. Right, what's this? I suppose you're going to fail me for this. What is this place? Holly? Is it possible? Can this be Earth? Certainly seems that way. Constellations match. Gravity, one G. - What's the time period? - Well, difficult to say exactly, but according to all available data, I would estimate it's round about lunchtime, maybe half-one. What period in history, dingleberry-breath? Can we expect to see Genghis Khan and his barbarian buddies sweeping across the hill? Or flesh-eating dinosaurs eating Doug McClure? What is the year? Well, I'd need more data before I could give a precise answer. - Like? - This year's calendar would be handy. I've never been to Earth. I've only seen it on photographs. It's exactly like I always imagined, only much shorter. "Nodnol, 871 selim. " - Nodnol? Where's Nodnol? - It's London. "London, 178 miles. " It's backwards. - Shh! A truck. - It'll probably hit that box. There's a perfectly rational explanation for this. Then again, possibly not. What the smeg is going on? Everything's backwards. It's perfectly consistent with current theory. Everything starts with a Big Bang, right? And the universe starts expanding. When it's expanded as far as it can, there's the Big Crunch, and everything starts contracting. It's possible that time starts running backwards, as well. So is this Earth? It's Earth all right, only Earth where time's going backwards. Flobba-dob blib blob bleeb. - What are you doing? - You said look inconspicuous. - Don't be idiotic. - But if people see my face, what will they think? Tell them you took your car to the crushers and forgot to get out. - I got a newspaper. - What's the year? 3991?! No, it's 1993. It's backwards. I'll switch to reverse mode. "Three brought to life in bank raid. "A masked man with a sawn-off shotgun sucked bullets "out of two cashiers and a security guard "in a South London bank tomorrow. "The armed raider then forced terrified staff to accept $10,000, "which he demanded they place in the bank's vaults. "The man, Michael Ellis, completed a 15-year prison sentence "for the crime two years ago. " - What does that say? - It's an advert. "Roll-off deodorant. Keeps you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours. " What shall we do? This place is crazy. There's nothing we can do until they find us. We'd better get a job. What jobs are there in a backwards reality for a dead hologram and an android with a head like a novelty condom? Here's the jobs page. This looks interesting. "Wanted - managing director, ICI. Excellent demotion prospects. "Right candidate could go straight to the bottom. " - Something a bit more low-key. - "Restaurant requires dish dirtier"? - Anything else? - Ah, this looks interesting. "Theatrical agent requires novelty acts. " - What do we do that's a novelty? - In this world, everything. - Three weeks we been doing this. - We'll do it till we find them. We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side... they're gone, buddy! Don't you care about anyone but yourself? Hell, no. I don't even care about you. If Goalpost-Head and Freak-Face want to get lost, that's their bag. I don't see why it should cut into my preening time. You realise with all this, I haven't permed my leg hairs in a week? - I'm a wreck. - You perm your leg hairs? Only as an aid to the natural curl. - Fasten your belt. - I don't need fashion tips from you. SAFETY belt. Look. Is that what I think it is? - What do you think it is? - An orange whirly thing. It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in. - What?! You can't go in there. - Why not? Orange with this suit?! Where are we? I don't believe this. According to the NaviComp, this is Earth. Engage cloak. I'm takin' her down. - What was that for? - We don't want to freak the natives. Hey. What's the matter? I dunno. I think me ribs are cracked. And me back. - Is my eye bruised? - Yeah, it is. - What's that? - It's a homing device. It'll find their flight recorder. Yonder. I'm home. - You found anything? - The Bug's there, but they're not. You're dry. That's weird. Let's take a look around. Maybe they left us a clue or something. What's this? They must have left them to tell us where they'll be. - What's it say? - It's in some weird language. "Srehtorb. " That must be Polish or Bulgarian or somethin'. - You speak Bulgarian? - Me?! I can hardly speak English. What's this? Nodnol? Hang on! Wait a minute! Nodnol. Nod-nol. - It's in Bulgaria. - Are you sure? Geography was my number-one subject at school. Nodnol - rich in animal produce and minerals, just south of Bosnia. - What's "selim"? - Obviously, Bulgarian for kilometres. You're so smart. I'm glad I'm with you. Well, we are the smart party. I didn't come here lookin' for trouble I just came to do the Red Dwarf shuffle! He's smart He's smart My ribs are killing me. Let's find some transport. Come on! Let's go! Go! Come on! Bye, suckers! You lost your bike! Start pedalling, man! Start pedalling! - Get this thing in forward gear! - It IS in forward gear! Stop! Stop! No more. I'm not moving another yard on this thing. I've got a parting in the back of my head. It's these cheap Bulgarian bikes. You probably have to queue for a year for this junk. You have to be a government official to get one that goes forwards. Yo, matey. Excuse me. Excuse me. I don't speak Bulgarian. You speak English? We're lookin' for our friend. Erm... friendski. Uh... Our budski? Palski? There's an addresski hereski. Can you, erm... drop us offski? - Rock'n'roll. - Thankski verski muchski, budski. Hey! Hey! Hey! We're movin' in the right direction now. This is the place. My eye! Me back feels like it's been cut to ribbons! Moan, moan, moan, moan, moan! Ladies and gentlemen, olleh, olleh, olleh. Welcome to the show. - That's a joke? - For our first trick tonight, my partner Kryten will attempt to eat a boiled egg... forwards. This is entertainment to these people? It's pathetic. They're Bulgarian. They have very simple tastes. I have it. It's a moron convention. Check the coat room. If there are 20 jackets, all white, with arms that tie behind the neck, I'm right. And what better way to round off a meal than by drinking a glass of water? - Kryten. - Whoa, stick around. They're building up to a big climax. We are the Sensational Reverse Brothers. We shall see you last night. Let's get a drink and go backstage. Hello? Excuse me? Can I have two pints of bitter, please? - Bitter. Two pints. - She can't understand you. - You're wasting your time. - Yo, what you drinkin' there? Drinkski? Beerski? Ah, rettib. Two pints of rettib, please. - Rettib? - Two. Was that difficult? No, we're the smart party. Rettib. Rettib. This isn't Bulgaria. Look at that menu. "Unem. " It's English, but backwards. Everything's backwards. - Everything's backwards? - Yeah. Right! Well, as they say, when in Rome, do as the Snamor do. - Up the hatch. - Booties down. What do you mean, you don't want to leave?! - We're happy. - We've found a niche. We're the Sensational Reverse Brothers. After just three weeks, we're a hit. - Rimmer, everything is backwards. - We've got used to it. Once you get over the initial shock, things actually make a lot more sense. There's no death here. You start off dead, you have a funeral, then come to life. As each year passes, you get younger, until you become a newborn baby. Then you go back inside your mother, who goes back inside her mother, and so on, until eventually we all become one glorious whole. Rimmer, you already are one glorious hole. - You've totally flipped, man. - We want to stay. But we can't stay. Look, I'm 25 now. In 10 years' time, I'll be 15. I'll have to go through puberty again. Backwards. Imagine that. Your gajimbas will suddenly rise back into your body, and next thing you know, you're singing soprano in the choir. And worse than that, in 25 years, I'll be a little sperm, swimming around in somebody's testicles. That's just not how I saw my future. I tell you, things are better here. It's our universe that's backwards. Take war. War is a wonderful thing here. In 50 years' time, the Second World War will start... backwards. - That's a good thing? - Millions will come to life. Hitler will retreat across Europe, liberate France and Poland, disband the Third Reich and bog off back to Austria. We're smash hits. We'd be crazy to leave. Rimmer, we don't belong here. This place is crazy. Crazy? Death, disease, famine - there's none of that here. There's no crime. Our first night here, a mugger jumped us and forced $50 into my wallet at knifepoint. OK, OK. But look at the flipside of the coin. It's not all good. Take someone like, say, St Francis of Assisi. In this universe, he's the petty-minded little sadist who goes around maiming small animals. Or Santa Claus - what a bastard! - Eh? - He's the fat git who sneaks down chimneys and steals all the kids' favourite toys. What fight? We didn't start any fight? What's he saying? - We're fired! For fighting. - You've been with us all night. He says we'll never work the pub circuit again. For smeg's sake! Be reasonable! Tell him about the contract thing. He can't just sack us like that. - What's that about? - Rimmer in a fight? That's a laugh. - So, what's the plan? - I dunno. If they don't change their minds, head back without them. My back! We just gotta get out of here. This universe is just too disgusting. What's the matter with him? I think we've just uneaten his pie. Unbelievable. We didn't start a fight. Look, I'm sorry, man. We were just... Ah! - Are you OK? - My black eye's gone! He just sucked it off me face with his fist! Oh! - Now he's uncracked me ribs! - We don't want any trouble. You don't understand. All this mess, all this debris, is from the fight we got fired for, which we're about to have. ABOUT to have? I don't want a bar room brawl. It's not a bar room brawl. It's a bar room tidy. Unrumble! - Where are you going? - I know what happens to me back. Here, have your tooth back. Good one, gentlemen. Thanks for your support. Let's go. I've forgotten something. What the hell? It's a good cause. How much is that, mate? Oh, aye, yeah! Oi! Tight git. You know, it could have worked. It really could. Where's the Cat? He won't be long. He's... you know... in the bushes. We've got to stop him. Don't ask! # It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere # I'm all alone, more or less # Let me fly far away from here # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose # Drinking fresh mango juice # Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # Fun, fun, fun # In the sun, sun, sun # |
RPM RRRrrrr!!! RU Ready Raaz Rabbit Proof Fence Rabid Dogs - Cani Arrabbiati 1974 Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD1 Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD2 Radio Radio Days Raging Bull 1980 Raid 2003 CD1 Raid 2003 CD2 Raid On Rommel 1971 Rain Children The 2003 Rain Man CD1 Rain Man CD2 Rainmaker The Rainy Dog - Takashi Miike Raise Your Voice Raisin in the Sun A Raising Victor Vargas (2002) Deity Raja Hindustani Ranch The 2004 Unrated Uncut Edition Random Harvest 1942 Random Hearts (1999) Rasen (The Spiral) Rashomon 1950 Ratcatcher (1999) Ravenous Ray CD1 Ray CD2 Rayon Vert Le (Rohmer 1986) Real Cancun The Real Fiction (Shilje sanghwang) Real Women Have Curves (2002) Rear Window Rebel Music - The Bob Marley Story Rebel Without a Cause 1955 Recess Schools out Recipe For Disaster 2003 Reconstruction Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD1 Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD2 Red Dragon (Jet Lee) Red Dragon 2002 CD1 Red Dragon 2002 CD2 Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship Red Dwarf - 05x02 - Quarantine Red Dwarf - 05x02 - The Inquisitor Red Dwarf - 05x03 - Terrorform Red Dwarf - 05x05 - Demons and Angels Red Dwarf - 05x06 - Back To Reality Red Dwarf 02x01 - Kryten Red Dwarf 02x02 - Better Than Life Red Dwarf 02x03 - Thanks For The Memory Red Dwarf 02x04 - Stasis Leak Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg Red Dwarf 02x06 - Parallel Universe Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards Red Dwarf 03x02 - Marooned Red Dwarf 03x03 - Polymorph Red Dwarf 03x04 - Bodyswap Red Dwarf 03x05 - Timeslides Red Dwarf 03x06 - The Last Day Red Dwarf 04x01 - Camille Red Dwarf 04x02 - DNA Red Dwarf 04x03 - Justice Red Dwarf 04x04 - White Hole Red Dwarf 04x05 - Dimension Jump Red Dwarf 04x06 - Meltdown Red Heat Red Hot Chili Peppers - Off the Map Red River 1948 Red Shadow Red Sonja Red Sorghum 1987 Red Water Red beard 1965 akahige CD1 Red beard 1965 akahige CD2 Ref The Regarding Henry 1991 Regle Du Jeux La Reign of Fire Reindeer Games Relentless 1989 Remains of the Day The CD1 Remains of the Day The CD2 Rembrandt Remember Me CD1 Remember Me CD2 Remember the Titans Remember the Titans (Standard Edition) Remo Rendez-vous 1985 Replacement Killers The Replacement Killers Who Am I Replicant The Requiem for a Dream Requiem from the Darkness Episode One Requiem from the Darkness Episode Two Rescuers Down Under The Rescuers The Resident Evil Apocalypse Respiro grazias island 2002 Resurrection of the little match girl CD1 Resurrection of the little match girl CD2 Return The Return To Me Return To Paradise (1998) Return of The King The Return of the Dragon Return to Sender Return to the Blue Lagoon Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD1 Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD2 Reversal Of Fortune (2003) Korean Revolution OS 2001 Rhapsody In August 1991 Richard III - CD1 Richard III - CD2 Ricordati Di Me CD1 Ricordati Di Me CD2 Ride The Ridicule 1996 Riding in Cars with Boys Riget I (The kingdom) 1x01 Riget I (The kingdom) 1x02 Riget I (The kingdom) 1x03 Riget I (The kingdom) 1x04 Rikyu 1989 Ring 0 - Birthday 2000 Ring The CD1 Ring The CD2 Ring Virus Ring of Bright Water Rio Bravo 1959 CD1 Rio Bravo 1959 CD2 Rio Lobo (1970) CD1 Rio Lobo (1970) CD2 Rio das Mortes (1971) Ripleys Game Ripoux 3 Risky Business Riso Amaro (1949) Riten (1969) Ritual 2000 River Wild The River of no Return The 1954 Riverworld 2003 Road Movie CD1 Road Movie CD2 Road To Perdition 2 Road Trip (Unrated Edition) Road to Perdition Roadhouse Roaring Twenties The 1939 Rob Roy 1995 Robe The CD1 Robe The CD2 Robe The CD3 Robin Hood (Disney) Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD1 Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD2 Robin Hood Men in tights Robocop Robocop Directors Cut 1987 Rock The CD1 Rock The CD2 Rock The CD3 Rocket Brothers (2003) Rocky Horror Picture Show The Rocky III Rodger Dodger Roger Dodger Roger and Me 1989 Rogue Trader RollerBall Roman Holiday Roman de Renard Le 1930 Romance Romancing The Stone 1984 Romantic Comedy Romeo Is Bleeding 1993 Romeo Must Die Romeo and Juliet CD1 Romeo and Juliet CD2 Romper Stomper Ronin CD1 Ronin CD2 Rookie (2002) CD1 Rookie (2002) CD2 Room with a View A CD1 Room with a View A CD2 Rope (1948) Rose Red (Stephen King) CD1 Rose Red (Stephen King) CD2 Rose Red (Stephen King) CD3 Rosemarys Baby Rote Sonne Rouge Roughnecks - The Starship Troopers Chronicles (1999) Roxanne Royal Engagement CD1 Royal Engagement CD2 Royal Tenenbaums The Royal Tramp (Stephen Chow) Royal Tramp 2 (Stephen Chow) Rudy (1993) Rue Des Plaisirs (2002) Rugrats Go Wild Rules of Attraction The Ruling Class The 1972 Rumble Fish 1983 Rumble in the Bronx CD1 Rumble in the Bronx CD2 Run Run 2 U Run Silent Run Deep Runaway Bride Runaway Jury Runaway Train Rundown The Running Out Of Time Running Out Of Time 2 Running Scared 1983 Rurouni Kenshin TV 1-9 2000 Rusalka CD1 Rusalka CD2 Rusalka CD3 Rush Hour - New Line Platinum Series Rush Hour 2 (2001) CD1 Rush Hour 2 (2001) CD2 Rushmore (1999) Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD1 Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD2 Russian Ark (Aleksandr Sokurov 2002) Ruthless People |
