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l have to speak to you, now that we're alone. Last night when l came home your door was locked. -l must have slept well. -That's impossible. Why? l took a cab home from the opera. Were you at the opera? That's not what you'd say if you had known that l too was at the opera? Right? You say nothing. Do you know why? Because you don't want to lie. You weren't at the opera, nor were you home. Why do we have to talk about this? Do we have to? Yes, we do, you should know l went to the opera not to spy on you but because l longed for you and was sick with the thought of your leaving me. l beg you, please don't say more. Answer me, Gertrud. Where were you yesterday? Gustav, after our talk yesterday, you must understand your question is meaningless. l'm your husband, Gertrud. l am still your husband. l don't know you any longer. ls that you, speaking this way? You made a fool out of me yesterday at the opera. You already knew what you were going to do. Yes, l knew what l was going to do. l fooled you to spare you. Not out of cowardice or treachery. You know l'm truthful. Yes, God knows. No woman should be so honest. But l won't let you go, you can believe that. Will you lock me up? Be reasonable. You'll be with me tonight. Our last night. Then you can go wherever you choose and ruin your life, if that's what you wish. You don't know what you're saying. l'm going in to rest. Well, here you are. How is Gertrud? She felt ill but she's better now. Let's hear about you. How does it feel to be home again? On your native soil. Oh, yes - the native soil of the fatherland is all well and good - l mean the earth, the air, the fields and forests, but the people, Kanning, the people - damn! l ended up in mixed company last night, somewhat mixed company, one ought to say. Well, it doesn't matter. l was out to enjoy myself. So, l shouldn't take it too seriously. Better to laugh it off. What is it we were talking about? Oh yes, listen. l want to go back to Rome. l can't work up there. l hear you'll be a cabinet minister. lt sure looks like it, if you believe the newspapers. You have to. You have to believe in something in this world. Attorney Kanning - the Vice- Chancellor would like a word. l'm coming. Come sit here. You're still young and pure, like a bride. The light is hurting my eyes. You look as if something unpleasant has happened to you. Yes. l was in bad company last evening, but it was my own fault. l don't want to think about it. lt's over. Everything is nothing. ln the old days you always spoke of your life's work. You've become a great and famous man, and now everything is nothing. What's the matter, Gabriel? Oh, l'm feeling old. Can you tell me, Gertrud, why did l come back here? l was just going to ask you the same question. There was a kind of homesickness, especially for one street, a street l often thought about. One spring day l walked down that street and wept in the midst of the sunshine. Yes, l've often wept. lt's not so bad. lt eases you. Let's speak of happier things. You've come home a hero. A hero? Yes, yes, l dare say we're probably not talking about the same thing. ln the only battle l ever cared about, l was defeated. Gertrud, why did you leave me? We shouldn't talk about it now. As l said before, l was in bad company last evening. l ate lunch with an old school friend and it ended up with someone asking us to go to a little party at his girlfriend's - Constance. -ln Florabakken. -How did you know? Oh, l've heard about her. The city is not so large. No. Well, l went with them. Holier men than l have sat at the table of a courtesan. Well, what else happened? Now l am curious. What are they playing? What are we listening to now? ''Song in the night'' by Erland Jansson. Of course, l heard it in Rome. l remember l was completely moved when l noticed in the program the composer was a fellow countryman. lt's a lovely melody. Yes, it is beautiful. Wasn't Erland Jansson supposed to play here this evening? That was the talk, but l don't care. l don't like him. -You know him? -Yes, unfortunately. l wish l didn't. Where did you meet him? l know him, too. Gertrud, Gertrud. Why did you leave me? Listen, now you're getting off the subject. You wanted to tell me about last night's party. l met Erland Jansson last night. He showed up late in the night. You didn't mind sitting at a courtesan's table. Why should he? No, naturally - but l don't like him. He boasts about things others keep to themselves. -Such as? -He bragged about his lovers. No, that wasn't nice. No. ln this mixed company, in this atmosphere of drinking, playing and whoring around, he spoke aloud of his last conquest. And he named her, her beloved name. Gertrud, was l wrong to tell you this? l don't know. l don't understand. l know nothing. l felt l had to, Gertrud. l had to - had to. You had to. Gabriel, help me understand all this. l don't understand it myself. l only understand what l do - should have done. This l don't understand. He must have been ill. Well, l don't believe so. lt was so horrible of him. But he was drunk, and he's so young. Yes, he is so young. And he belongs to a completely different circle. Yes, yes. Gertrud, now you'll break it off with him? l love him. l love him. -That's madness, Gertrud. -Yes. And no one can advise you, no one can help you? No. l've known all along it was madness, but l had so little to lose, Gabriel. My life was so terribly lonely and empty. Last night my life was shattered when l heard the one l loved more than anything - when l heard her name dragged through the mud by a reckless young man - one suddenly feels old. Gertrud, l'd never thought we'd meet again this way. Nothing happens like we think it should. How do you think it should, Gabriel? Gabriel, Gabriel, don't take it so hard. No. No, don't leave me this way. Gertrud - the Vice-Chancellor asked me to say hello and that he hoped to hear you sing this evening. And what did you tell him? l said l would try to convince you to sing a song or two but l didn't promise anything. Yes, l would like to. Where? ln here. Shall l have accompaniment? Mr. Erland Jansson has agreed to do it. -But there's no piano here? -lt's in there. l'll take care of it. Over there. Many thanks. l'm not angry even if my heart is broken ln the midst of my hopelessness l see how cruelly you suffered and no anger, and no anger . Even though your brow gives a youthful glow l know how heavy your heart is l've known it for a long time. l'm not angry, my eternally lost friend . -Have you been waiting long? -Just a few minutes. l couldn't come sooner. You don't look well. l know, but l had to speak to you anyway. Tell me, why did you collapse last night? l was overtired, from having quarrelled with my husband. -Was he cruel towards you? -How could you think that? l mean, if he loves you, he'll be hurt if you leave him. lt's not his nature to be cruel. Well, l hardly know him. He seems fairly nice. What do you have against him anyway? Why do you want to divorce him? We could be good friends just as well. Erland, l want to go away. That's why l wanted to meet you. Does that mean you've come to say goodbye? -That depends on you. -What do you mean? Erland - come with me. That's impossible, Gertrud. -ls it because you have no money? -No, l don't. l have enough to get started. Are you saying l should live on your money? Yes. You'll despise me. Then you don't know what love is, Erland. l would despise myself. You do that anyway - sometimes. Yes l do. l can't despise myself because l do what l have to do. l have to confess l went to Constance's party in Florabakken after all. -l had to. -Yes, you had to - had to - that's the key word to everything. ls it just for the sake of money you won't leave with me? l'd have to think about it, Gertrud. You said before we could love each other without a divorce. That sounded ugly. l don't understand. lt didn't embarrass you the other day. Erland - When will we begin to speak the same language - Erland, my love, come away with me. We don't need to marry. We'll just live together to be near each other. l love you. Let's go away. When you no longer love me, you can leave me. -Well - and then what? -Then? Then nothing will matter. Gertrud. l can't go with you. l'm not free. You said - not free? Yes, she's older than l. She's meant much to me. Helped me when things were difficult. l can't leave her in the lurch. Besides, she's pregnant. And you never said a word about it. l didn't believe it was serious between us. What did you believe then? l thought you were just out for a little adventure and l saw no harm in that. And now the adventure has passed. Do you hate me for it? l love you but it's over. l'm leaving and you'll marry. Gertrud, come with me. -Where? -To my place. l love you but you don't love me back. l no longer belong to you. Okay... No, l don't love you. lf l did... l'd leave with you and think of nothing else. l have a dream about a certain woman but it's not you. She'd be innocent and pure. She'd obey me and belong to me. You're too proud. l thought at first you had the usual pride of a fine woman. This is worse. Your soul is proud. Leave me alone, Erland. Gertrud, forgive me, let's not part as enemies. Forgive me. Forgive? l wish l believed in a God so l could ask him to protect you. You don't believe in God, Gertrud? Do you? l don't know. There must be a higher spirit, somewhere, otherwise so many things are inexplicable. Well - now you must go. There's a call for Mr. Kanning. Just a moment, please. By all means. lt's you, Gabriel? Yes, l've come to say goodbye. l leave tomorrow. -So soon? -Yes, and you? -Will you stay here? -No. l'll leave soon enough. l've long felt homeless here. Gertrud. You're leaving and l'm leaving. Let's leave together. Let's live together. Gabriel - you don't know what you're saying. Have you never on lonely nights heard my heart call out to you? You asked yesterday what made me long for home. lt was you, a longing to hear your voice and look into your eyes again. How strange all this is. l knew you were married and to whom and l thought - maybe her life is now as empty as mine. Nothing's like one thinks. No. No, nothing's ever like one thinks. Gertrud. Did you ever love your husband? Love him? l don't know. l was thinking about your creed, remember? l don't know what you mean. No, one never remembers everything but the creed went: ''l believe in the pleasure of the flesh and the irreparable loneliness of the soul.'' Oh yes. That sounds like me. l didn't forget it. All those words at a time when l thought our dream would become a reality. You wrenched me from our dream of happiness. We fell apart. So, l took refuge in the pleasure of the flesh and only that. There, you have my marriage. l thought so. Gertrud. Come with me. No, Gabriel - for me there's only loneliness. You've broken it off with him then - Erland Jansson? l'm nothing to him. Gertrud. Come away with me. How can you still believe we could breathe life into what's dead and buried? Come, let's sit here a moment as we so often sat together at your place. Don't think l've forgotten all l owe you. You taught me love's wonderful miracle. You made me a woman with every drop of life's blood. l belonged to you with all my senses. We grew together and became one. There was no shame between us. Love cleansed me of everything, of what was low and miserable. lt opened me up to the good and beautiful. l found in you a man with whom l could share life. l asked myself whether l truly deserved so much happiness. Gertrud, why did you ever leave me? Gabriel, do you really believe l left you? Don't you realize it was you who pushed me away - gently...gradually. l have never loved another. l believe you - as much as you could love. But what was l to you? You were tired of my love. When it became clear, l left. Gertrud, there's truth in what you say. Work took you away from me, but never did l want to break it off. You couldn't break it off. That's why it was good that l could. Your work divided us - and honor - and fame, and money. You desired these. Love had become a burden for you. You wanted the pleasure of the flesh, not love. lt's the terrible truth. l felt it. l'll tell you when l knew for sure. lt was during the time you hadn't had any meaningful work for a long period. A difficult time. For me, too. Then one day l visited you. And l decided to tidy up. l wanted to write you afew words. Some scrap paper you used for notes lay on your desk. On one of them, you drew my profile and those words that devastated me. ''A woman's love and a man's work are mortal enemies .'' That's when l knew for certain. And my life was ruined by a bit of scrap paper. Ruined? You got what you wanted. Nothing has been won. No, but one must choose. And one always loses the thing he cherishes the most. Always. When l realized everything... my heart grew old. l was ashamed and loathed being a woman. l saw how men who become great never know or understand love. They look down on love. They despise love. You had become like them. And l don't love you. Gertrud. My life is those three years you loved me. You left me. How could you? How could you? l knew it would hurt you. l knew from your letter. lt hurt more than l had thought. You became great but for me you are as cold as stone. l want pure, warm blood. l don't care about greatness. There's no greatness, Gertrud. The night is long, space endless but the earth is small and people are small. What l remember from my life is my love for you. You taught me love is everything. We shouldn't be alone. l have been alone much too much. We shouldn't be many. One needs to be two. Gertrud, we two belong together. Yes, one should be two. To think you understand that, now that it's too late. lt's never too late. Come away with me. We'll live in a house by the sea and nothing or no one shall separate us. Nothing but death. There's no happiness in love. Love is suffering. Love is unhappiness. Gabriel, an empty space is in your breast. l can't help you. Look for nothing from me. Too late and in vain. My life's epitaph - in vain. You must excuse me. lt took some time. Gertrud, how do you feel? Fine, thank you. The Minister of State wouldn't let me go. l've got to be going. Wait. We must have a glass of champagne. 374. l'd like to speak to Professor Axel Nygren. Axel, is that you? lt's Gertrud. l'm calling to tell you l'm coming to Paris. You'll help me get registered at the Sorbonne? Yes, yes, l'd love to join the group you talked about. l'll write before l come. What's your address? Number 72. Thanks. Goodbye Axel. See you soon. There you are. Gertrud, you've come just in time. -Champagne? -Yes. l've agreed to accept the cabinet position. -Congratulations. -Thank you. -And from me. -Thank you Gertrud. You don't look well, dear. You said you felt much better. lt's nothing. l'm just tired. l'll go lie down soon. -You haven't eaten all day. -l'm not hungry. As you wish. So you've become a cabinet minister's wife after all. Yes, l might as well enjoy it as long as it lasts. Not long. Gabriel already knows we are parting ways. -Then you told him? -Yes. Each of us will go his own way. Let me begin by saying goodbye. -Goodbye Kanning. -Goodbye Lidman. lt'll be a long time before we see each other again. Yes, l suppose it will. Goodbye, Gertrud. Goodbye, Gabriel. Goodnight, Gustav. l'll go to bed now, l'm tired. Gertrud, l've thought it over. l believe l've found a solution, but answer me first. Did it happen? What we discussed yesterday? -You know it did. -Yes, l know. But Gertrud, you must not leave me. Stay with me. You can have your new love - since it means so much to you. But stay with me and we'll live together as good friends. l ask for no more. You want me to stay because you hope and believe the severed bond between us can be renewed. -lsn't that right? -That's right. l'm leaving. -With your new love? -Alone. The new love doesn't want me. Good God. ls there a man alive whom you love and doesn't want you? l don't understand. l could stay here for his sake but l'd like to be myself now. That's why l'm leaving. Goodnight, Gustav. l'm so tired...so tired. Tell me, tell me you loved me once. Why do you torture me? When we met l'd already left my love behind. But my senses were alive and my blood flowed. There was something between us - something resembling love. Something...resembling? Leave. Get out! l never want to see you again. Never hear of you again! Gertrud. Gertrud. There's a Professor Axel Nygren here to see you. Really? ls it Axel Nygren? Show him in. So you came on my birthday? Yes, l came to give you my new book. lt comes out next week. lt's a beautiful book - RAClNE. To remind us of our days in Paris. Thank you, Axel. Sit down. Yes, l live here like a hermit, forgotten, erased. l like it that way. l need solitude - solitude and freedom. Here's the paper. Remember to wash the kitchen floor. The kitchen floor, of course. That's all the house help l have. And what do you do? l bake my own bread, wash my chemise, mend my stockings. l see you have a radio. Yes, one must keep up with what's going on in the world. l wrote to you some time ago. Yes, your letter's here, as you can see. You might have sent me a few words. No, Axel, l can't use a machine to write an old friend. Forgive me. So do you still care about me a little? l've always been very fond of you. l still am. Come. l wonder how long it's been since we've been to a lecture together. lt must be 30-40 years. Our friendship has lasted that long? A friendship that never turned to love. But you've been a good friend to me. You're still young, your skin is so white and smooth. l'll get more wrinkles and my skin will turn yellow. -Do you know what l'm thinking? -No. -Do you want your letters back? -Yes, l would. l'd rather not have strangers reading what were warm and good words spoken from your heart. There you are. Would you mind if l burned them? Now the letters are yours. Do what you wish. Have you ever thought of writing poetry? Yes, l have. Actually l've written a poem, one poem when l was 16. Here it is. Shall l read it to you? lt has three verses. Read. Just look at me. Am l beautiful? No but l have loved. Just look at me. Am l young? No but l have loved. Just look at me. Do l live? No but l have loved. Sixteen year-old Gertrud - my gospel according to love. Remember what you said: There's nothing else in life but love. Nothing. Nothing else. Do you still stand by those words? Do you regret them? No, l don't regret them. l stand by what l said, there's nothing else in life but youth and love, unending tenderness and quiet happiness, Axel. When l'm near the grave and look back on my life, l'll say to myself... l suffered much and often made mistakes, but l have loved. You think a lot about death and the grave? Yes, l've already bought my resting place. l know where l'll be laid to rest, under a mulberry tree. Yesterday, l ordered the head stone for my grave and l decided what shall be on it. -Your name, of course? -No, just two words. Amor Omnia Love is all. Yes. Love is all. The gardener has been told that only grass shall grow on my grave and in springtime l shall have anemones. You'll come by one day, pick an anemone and think of me. Take it as a word of love that was thought, but never spoken. Now you'd better go, otherwise we'll end up by running off to Paris. One day your visit will be only a memory - as all the other memories l cherish. Sometimes l bring forth the memories and lose myself in them. l feel as if l am gazing at a fire about to be extinguished. Thank you, Axel. Thanks for visiting. Thank you for your book. Goodbye, Gertrud. |
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